THE WIT & WISDOM OF HILDA FFINCH.

 My sincere apologies that seriously ill in hospital I was unable to participate in the Blog Tour. Still, better late than never, here are my thoughts on THE WIT & WISDOM OF HILDA FFINCH by JULIET WARRINGTON, my review of which contains some mild adult human.

One of several bloggers to be participating in the Blog Tour of Juliet Warringon's The Wit & Wisdom Of Hilda Ffinch, for the full list please see the Tour Schedule below.

England, 1940. With Adolf Hitler and his henchmen goose-stepping about the place and ranting for the Fatherland on the far side of the English Channel, the villagers of Little Hope in deepest, darkest Yorkshire, are doing their very best to Keep Calm and Carry On. It isn’t always easy though, even with the best of intentions.  There are evacuees to deal with as well as nightly air raid warnings and suspected fifth columnists. Worse still, there’s a dire shortage of spotted dick and knicker elastic.

But help is at hand! Enter Mrs Hilda Ffinch, horrendously rich and terribly bored lady of the manor who takes it upon herself to step into the role of Agony Aunt at the local newspaper.  

Unshockable, unshakable and completely devoid of any hint of tact whatsoever, Hilda soon has the villagers flocking to her banner as she dishes out her own unique brand of gin-fuelled advice.

What could possibly go wrong? ... Summary

"What do you mean you're 'a little short on communion wine again?" asked the Bishop, peering over the top of his spectacles at the Reverand Aubrey Fishwick, who appeared to be listing to port a little, "How big is your congregation?" ... First Sentence, 1: Welcome To Little Hope

 

"Whatever is that hullabaloo?" asked Hilda, looking up from her correspondence pile and simultaneously reaching for her gin.

"It does rather look as though your husband has got his cock out again," replied Mrs Fox, sipping her own gin thoughtfully before popping on her pince-nez to get a better look. "I don't know that I've ever seen such a big one, its attracting quite a crowd ..." ... Memorable Moment, V. How To Handle Cocks (and other barnyard animals

MY THOUGHTS ... Written in the form of various correspondences between any number of the imaginatively named residents of Little Hope who are seeking advice from 'the bird with all the answers', Hilda Ffinch, not a format I generally like but here it worked incredibly well: the advice both asked for and given, well ...

Let's just say that I found myself not so much laughing out loud as snorting in laughter at some of the humour which, be warned, can be full of innuendo and word play of a sexual nature.

Set in deepest, darkest Yorkshire in WW2, Hilda is, emm, probably less grand than she'd have folks think; (not quite 'all fur coat and nee knickers' as my nana was wont to say but not far off). A no nonsense 'agony aunt' who isn't afraid to call a spade a spade (another one of my late nana's sayings). Her sage advice to everyone from Mrs N Batt who is seeking advice on how to 'prevent the local dogs (and the occasional male human) from trying to lick the gravy browning off her legs' (Pg 111) to 'Charles' who has a dirty bayonet 'that no matter how matter how much he rubs the blessed thing just won't shine despite the fact that even his good old wife has had a bash at it too, spitting on it and then getting a bit of muslin and rubbing vigorously' (Pg 195) is bawdy for sure but also reflects just some of the problems that would have been faced by villagers living at that time.

SUMMED UP IN A SENTENCE ... If your a fan of double entendres and humour of the typical British sea-side kind, chances are you are going to find this The Wit & Wisdom Of Hilda Ffinch uproariously funny. 

INFORMATION ABOUT THE BOOK ... 

Title: The Wit and Wisdom of Hilda Ffinch

Author: Juliet Warrington

Genre: Historical Fiction

Publication Date: 22nd September 2020

Page Count: 342

Publisher: Clink Street Publishing

Links: GoodReads ~ Amazon

AUTHOR INFORMATION ... Juliet Warrington was born on a small (and now totally defunct) RAF station in the Libyan part of the Sahara Desert, some 30 odd miles from the Egyptian border. Constantly on the move as a child due to her dad’s job, she grew up in Surrey, Buckinghamshire, Cyprus and London. Long-term friendships were hard to form without internet and mobile phones and so books became her constant companions. She lived in Limassol with Lorna Doon, Aylesbury with Tom Sawyer and hid The Scarlet Pimpernel in the garden shed in Uxbridge on more than one occasion. She currently resides just outside Wrexham, in North Wales. 

FIND JULIET WARRINGTON ...

Website ~ Twitter ~ Instagram

TOUR SCHEDULE ... 

~ Monday 21st September: Jazzy Book Reviews ~ Tuesday 22nd September: Alex’s Books ~ Wednesday 23rd September: Varietats ~ Thursday 24th September: Donna’s Book Blog ~ Friday 25th September: Rambling Mads ~ Saturday 26th September: The Pewter Wolf ~ Monday 28th September: Big Book Little Book ~ Tuesday 29th September: Bookish Blue ~ Wednesday 30th September: Dash Fan Book Reviews ~ Thursday 1st October: Pen and Paper ~ Friday 2nd October: Books Fountain ~

GO ON ADMIT IT .....

Ever found yourself doing this? I know I have.

Cartoon courtesy of GRAMMARLY on FaceBook.

And remember .......

Please note All original content on http://pettywitter.blogspot.co.uk/ is created by the website owner, including but not limited to text, design, code, images, photographs and videos are considered to be the Intellectual Property of the website owner, whether copyrighted or not, and are protected by DMCA Protection Services using the Digital Millennium Copyright Act Title 17 Chapter 512 (c)(3). Reproduction or re-publication of this content is prohibited without permission.

In addition I would also urge that if you are reading this on any other page you contact the original blog owner/reviewer.

NOT JUST ABOUT WHO HAD WHAT FOR DINNER.

Ah the pearls of wisdom that you sometimes find on FaceBook ........

And lest you forget ....

My thanks to those who posted the above.

Oh, and how could I forget THIS fun site which generates your Hobbit name?

Mine's Laura Whitfoot and Husband dearests is Fortinbras Goodbody. What is yours?

Protection: All original content on http://pettywitter.blogspot.co.uk/ is created by the website owner, including but not limited to text, design, code, images, photographs and videos are considered to be the Intellectual Property of the website owner, whether copyrighted or not, and are protected by DMCA Protection Services using the Digital Millennium Copyright Act Title 17 Chapter 512 (c)(3). Reproduction or re-publication of this content is prohibited without permission.
In addition I would also urge that if you are reading this on any other page you contact the original blog owner/reviewer.

SAYING SORRY SEEMS TO BE BECOMING A HABIT.

Am I the only one who has always truly believed that its OK to post/quote the work of other bloggers/sites as long as I link to the original post and mention that it isn't my words/photographs etc I'm using but belong to 'such and such' a person?

I thought not.

Not a rude person and certainly not one who would ever knowingly 'steal' other people's work (and yes I agree copyright infringement is theft) I always link to any blog post I feature AND, wherever possible, ask the individual bloggers permission BUT I hold my hands up and admit that, whilst I always link to the original newspaper article, I don't tend to ask permission of the newspapers.

Sooooo,

but after recent events regarding the issues of plagiarism and what is known as SCRAPING I've decided that it is no longer enough to simply post my MM posts and link to the original article but that I really need to contact the newspapers concerned and ask their advice as to where I stand which means that for a while I won't be posting any MM posts. Apologies for this but better safe than sorry sued.

Not all bad news though ..... 

Who would have thought it .....

My review, yes, MY review of Wayne McCauley's THE COOK was published in issue number 73 of NEWBOOKS magazine.

Disclaimer #1: Removal of any part of this post without my express consent is considered copyright infringement. This post was created by and for Petty Witter @ Pen and Paper. If you are reading this post on any other site please contact the original blog owner/reviewer.

THANK GOODNESS ITS NOT 3.30 ON A WEDNESDAY AFTERNOON.

• Important Information: Knowing that a few of you only drop by on a Monday can I urge that you read and hopefully re-post THIS .

• RE: Last week's 'Smiley Sheep' story ....... Was it a new farmyard fashion trend? How about aliens? Or even supernatural goings-on? No, all a  big publicity stunt, the sheepish grins were made by farmers to help (theme park) Alton Towers reveal the name of its new giant £18million ride - The Smiler - opening this spring. MORE

• What a load of '*!&#' .....  A piece of music composed by waiting for bird droppings to fall onto giant sheets of manuscript paper has received its premier as artist Kerry Morrison laid manuscript sheets on the ground in Liverpool parks and let birds deposit their droppings whilst composer Jon Hering  transformed the bum notes into a full musical score. MORE

• To think someone actually gets paid for this 'research'. Carried out by skin care company. St Tropez, research shows that women look their oldest at 3.30 on A Wednesday afternoon. MORE 

• Granny, a thug? Elderly residents hoping to raise some money by holding a dance to help save their community centre were left stunned when 'elf and safety' officials ruled that security guards were needed ..... to ensure trouble did not break out. MORE

• And talking of grannies ...... The smiling face of Nora Sly will be seen in her village of Cowley long after she has gone as fellow villagers voted that the face of the 89 year old been immortalised as a gargoyle on the church she has attended all her life. MORE (Photograph courtesy of FB. A photograph of Nora herself can be seen by clicking on 'MORE')

• Ouch, Talk about shell-shocked! Rosie the hen surprised her owner, Sean Wilson of Waterlooville, by laying a huge egg weighing six and a quarter ounces (181g) but when it emerged there was another egg within that one he was doubly shocked. MORE

• Not to be missed, my favourite 'feel good' video of the week ....... Impersonator Darren 'Graceland' Jones sings In The Depot about the trials and tribulations of clearing the roads in Torfaen, South Wales, to the tune of Elvis Presley's 1969 In The Ghetto. MORE

• And last but not least ....... the news from Down Under. A flower-eating goat named Gary has been cleared of vandalism after an Australian judge dismissed the case ruling that neither Gary (and this is what made me really laugh) who had his own lawyer, nor his owner could be held accountable for the crime. MORE

A BLOGGER WITH A MISSION - I URGE YOU TO READ THIS AND CONSIDER REPOSTING IT.

Never before has the blogosphere caused me to feel so angry and upset, so outraged and powerless ....... I can only imagine how Naida, a good blogger buddy of mine, must have felt when she discovered that someone had been stealing not only her blog posts, but her reviews, her memes and, worst of all,  her personal images and passing them off as their own as far back as 2010.

Not naive enough that I didn't realise that copyright theft went on I didn't however realise that anyone could be so blatant as to basically replicate someones posts like this in what Naida explains is known as SCRAPING.

So, how can we even begin to predict our blogs which after all, for many of us, are a labour of love.

Naida suggests the following steps you might like to take, the following sites you might like to visit......

• Add a disclaimer to the end of your blog posts. I've seen several bloggers (Naida for one) now include something along the lines of this .... Disclaimer:Removal of any part of this post without my express consent is considered copyright infringement. This post was created by and for (add your blog title here). If you are reading this post on any other site please contact the original blog owner/reviewer.

• Consider installing a script so there is no right click or text hi-lighting. (Advice available from Nadia HERE OR I'm reliably informed that if you use the Blogger platform you can disable text selection from your blog by manually installing the following Javascript from BLOGGER TIPS AND TRICKS though as I haven't as yet tried this myself I cannot confirm. PW) 

• Report Scraper pages to Google - more information HERE.

• If you are on blogger:

1. Sign up for GOOGLE WEBMASTER TOOLS. It's a free service that will show in detail who is linking to your blog and where your blog traffic is coming from.
2. Sign up for GOOGLE ALERTS. Enter some key words from your blog posts, maybe your disclaimer at the end of your postor enter your blog title post. Google will let you know if this key phrase is being used elsewhere.

• Register your site at CREATIVE COMMENTS , it's free. (You might also consider MYFREECOPYRIGHT which I also use at no cost. PW)

• Consider visiting the following sites:
• STOP INTERNET PLAGIARISM
• HOW TO MAKE YOUR WEBSITE HACKER PROOF
• PLAGIARISM: HOW TO DEAL WITH A THIEF
• CONTENT SCRAPERS: HOW TO FIND OUT WHO IS STEALING YOUR CONTENT & WHAT TO DO ABOUT IT
• THE DEFINITIVE GUIDE TO BLOG CONTENT SCRAPING & HOW TO STOP IT
• HOW TO PROTECT YOUR BLOG FROM CONTENT SCRAPERS
• THE BEGINNERS GUIDE TO PREVENTING BLOG CONTENT SCRAPING IN WORDPRESS

WARNING! THIS POST COULD CAUSE YOU TO LAUGH.

• The bag of peanuts which contains the warning that the packet might contain nuts.
• The baby buggy (stroller to my friends across the pond) that warns "Caution: Remove infant before folding for storage'.
• The iron that strongly advises that the user does not actually iron the garment whilst wearing it.
• 'Warning! May cause drowsiness' - the label found on a box of herbal sleeping tablets.
• The Christmas tree lights that caution they are only suitable for indoor and outdoor use.
• The tub of fish food that reminds us the contents are not fit for human consumption.
• And my favourite...... The label on a child's Superman costume that warned that the wearing of the garment did not enable the child to fly.

Unbelievable but true.


Yes, today's post is all about the wonderful world of (drum roll please)

'Elf 'N' Safety'

And just when you thought it couldn't get any sillier along come these warnings.

• Blu-Tack banned from school windows after officials worried that the adhesive gum combined with a window could cause the glass to shatter.
• Hanging Baskets only allowed if they were first checked by a structural engineer to make sure the lamp post to which they were to be attached were strong enough.
• Irons and ironing boards to be removed as users could get burned.
• A Historical re-enactment society was told they would have to be tested on their slicing skills before they were allowed to prepare vegetables as part of their act.
• A school was ordered to carry out a 'risk assessment' before serving tea at a fete.

BOOK CLUB DOS AND DON'TS

A member of two reading groups myself I was interested to read THIS ARTICLE on the MailOnline ..........

First Rule of Book Club: Don't read Middlemarch! Stuffy 19th century literature is a turn-off for readers.

With no rules written down or otherwise, both of the groups I attend - hello The White Swan Readers (WSR), greetings The Oxford Centre Reading Group (OCRG) - seem to run pretty smoothly though I have to say that there are generally some moans and groans as soon as 19th century literature is mentioned - I seem to remember there were one or two moans and groans when it was suggested we read Dickens Bleak House.

But perhaps we are doing it all wrong and should take a leaf out of the book (no pun intended) of THE MIDDLE CLASS HANDBOOK website who offer the following advice to ........ 

'help members keep discussions on track and prevent the collapse of their club'.

• Avoid Middlemarch at all costs: It is the death knell for a book club. Attempt anything pre-1900 and over 450 pages and your book club will shrivel up and die. 
• Beware meandering group members, they should be told to stick to the material in hand. Too many allow conversations to slide away from narrative structure and character development into gossip and what's on tv. 
• Ditch the over-opinionated friend: The point of a book club is to talk about the book.  None of this is possible if one member insists on shrieking 'It’s an allegory!!! It’s a bloody allegory, why are we still talking about this?’
• Keep alcohol to a minimum,  it's nice to be out on a weekday and one more glass won't hurt, but it's easy to get carried away. Soon the book discussion is dispatched within ten minutes and the rest of the evening is spent dissecting husbands and exes and polishing off another bottle or two.
• Film and television adaptations are a big no-no: Can’t we just watch the film? What about the BBC adaptation on DVD? 
• And remember ..........  

The book club that drifts away from books towards discussions of Sean Bean is destined for failure.'

Any 'rules' you'd add?

SELMA AND KENNY'S WEDDING TOAST.

Unable to attend their grandson's wedding, Selma and Kenny, married for 72 years, sent this video message which I'm hoping you'll all be able to view no matter where in the world you are.

The couples tips for a successful union include .....

• Be good to each other
• Keep the fridge well stocked
• Put away a couple of dollars
• Keep a clean house/travel/watch your husband
• Don't argue.

More

So then, what would your five tips for a successful relationship be?

Mine?

• Never take each other for granted
• Don't be afraid to say I'm sorry
• Always put the toilet seat down (Husband dearest))
• Always squeeze the toothpaste tube from the bottom (me)
• Remember that though you may love each other dearly there will be things about the other that annoy you.

WISE WORDS ......

"If mankind had to choose between a universe that ignored him and one that noticed him to do harm, it might well choose the second. Our own age need not begin congratulting itself on its freedom from superstition till it defeats a more dangerous temptation to despair." - E.M.W. TILLYARD, THE ELIZABETHAN WORLD PICTURE.

TEA ETIQUETTE.

Known for our love of tea, I thought I'd post the correct etiquette just in case you ever decide to pop around to Pen and Paper for a cuupa.

• Place your fingers to the front and back of the handle with the pinkie (little) finger tilted slightly up for the balance.
• It is considered rude to loop the fingers through the handle or to hold the body of the cup with the palm of the hand.
• Tea should always be sipped.
• It is also considered rude to stir your tea in wide circular motions.
• To stir, hold the teaspoon at the six o'clock position to begin. Any liquid is folded lightly towards the 12 o'clock position two or three times.
• The teaspoon should never be left in the teacup.
• When not in use, the teaspoon is placed on the right side of the tea saucer.
• When not in use, the teacup is placed back on the saucer rather then held.
• If having milk in your tea, pouring either the tea or the milk into the cup first constitutes good manners.
• Cream is generally avoided as it can mask the taste of the tea.
• When having lemon with tea, delicate lemon slices are generally offered. A small fork is usually provided for adding lemon.
• Don't combine lemon with milk in tea, as the lemon juice will cause the milk to curdle.
• Any sandwiches or treats should be eaten in delicate bites. Remember to smile and chat between bite.

Have you got all of that? No? Not to worry you can always have a mug of coffee instead. But if you do prefer tea, remember that here in the PW household:-

• Unless you are here for an evening meal or specifically ask for a teacup, you will generally be served tea in a mug. If it is served in a teacup during the day without your having asked, it is because we haven't bothered to wash up and there are no clean mugs.
• Likewise, a saucer is not generally provided so there is no need to worry about the placing of the cup or teaspoon.
• I tend to keep hold of my mug but coasters/mats are provided on surfaces if you wish to put your mug down. Putting it down on wooden surfaces will be silently frowned upon but not as much as putting it down on my Turkish rug which is very expensive to clean.
• I drink my tea black but always pour in the milk after the tea for every one who prefers it with milk. If I'm out to impress, a milk jug will be used so that you can add tea to milk/milk to tea as you wish. If not, your tea will be served with milk added as an after thought.
• Lemon is not usually provided. However a fruity herbal infusion may usually be found at the back of a cupboard if you prefer that to TETLEY'S TEA which is Husband dearests preferred brand (I drink my tea so weak, I can't actually tell brands apart).
• As for smiling and chatting in between bites of sandwiches/treats, with me in the room you might find it difficult to get a 'word in edge ways' anyway so simply smiling may have to suffice.

A HALLOWEEN SURVIVAL GUIDE.

Yes I know HALLOWEEN isn't until tomorrow but due to time differences etc I thought I'd get in a little early - besides which, the weather in most parts of the UK is set to be awful tomorrow so I expect we may well have lots of 'trick or treat(ers)' this evening. So here are some guidelines that Hubby and I (along with a little help from Tim Dowling of the Guardian newspaper) have found useful over the years.

1. Don't pretend to be out, sitting in the dark doesn't work - they KNOW your in, I don't know how but they do. If you don't wish to keep answering the door to hordes of children, go out.

2. If you do decide to stay in - join in. We always find a basket of sweets is a must. NO fruit (or anything else that can be considered even remotely healthy) and Tim Suggests "nothing too desirable, you don't want word of your exceptional generosity to get round".

3. It really doesn't do any good to suggest that 15 might be a touch too old to go about begging for a fun-size Mars bar and besides which they are probably only doing so because they've had one Fentimans' lemonade (see my PREVIOUS POST) too many.

4. Kids love Halloween, they've seen ET, they've heard about the sweets so putting them off trick or treating is virtually impossible. You'll just have to grit your teeth and join in. Tim suggests if need be "Dress your children in costumes that are uncomfortable and hard to walk in and after half an hour, consult your watch and remind them of something they're missing on the television".

5. If, as an adult, you are invited to a Halloween party remember that as far as costumes go - anything goes - and here in the UK, where the choice of costume isn't as varied as it is in the US, a bed sheet over the head will probably do, as will a set of vampire teeth or even a mask. However if your first instinct is to say no, you are probably best sticking with this.

6. You can probably take it that if you haven't seen more than two of the little darlings by 7.30/8.00 you can start eating the sweets. LIKEWISE you can probably consider Halloween officially over for another year if you've (A) eaten the entire bag of fun-sized goodies or (B) the time is now 9 pm.

The Good Wife's Guide.

* Have dinner ready. Plan ahead, even the night before, to have a delicious meal ready, on time for his return. This is a way of letting him know that you have been thinking about him and are concerned about his needs. Most men are hungry when they come home and the prospect of a good meal (especially his favourite dish) is part of the warm welcome needed.

* Prepare yourself. Take 15 minutes to rest so you'll be refreshed when he arrives. Touch up your make-up, put a ribbon in your hair and be fresh looking. He has just been with a lot of work weary people.

* Be a little gay and a little more interesting for him. His boring day may need a lift and one of your duties is to provide it.

* Clear away the clutter. Make one last trip through the main part of the house just before your husband arrives.

* Gather up school books, toys, paper etc and then run a dishcloth over the tables.

* Over the cooler months of the year you should prepare and light a fire for him to unwind by. Your husband will feel he has reached a haven of rest and order, and it will give you a lift too. After all catering for his comfort will provide you with immense personal satisfaction.

* Prepare the children. Take a few minutes to wash the children's hands and faces (if they are small), comb their hair, change their clothes. They are little treasures and he would like to see them playing the part. Minimise all noise. At the time of his arrival, eliminate all noise of the washer, dryer or vacuum. Try to encourage the children to be quiet.

* Be happy to see him.

* Greet him with a warm smile and show sincerity in your desire to please him.

* Listen to him. You may have a dozen important things to tell him, but the moment of his arrival is not the time. Let him talk first - remember his topics of conversation are more important than yours.

* Make the evening his. Never complain if he comes home late or goes out to dinner, or other places of entertainment without you. Instead, try to understand his world of strain and pressure and his very real need to be at home and relax.

* Your goal: try to make sure your home is a place of peace, order and tranquility where your husband can renew himself in body and spirit.

* Don't greet him with complaints and problems.

* Don't complain if he's late home for dinner or even if he stays out all night. Compare this as a minor to what he might have gone through that day.

* Make him comfortable. Have him lean back in a comfortable chair or have him lie down in the bedroom. Have a cool or warm drink ready for him.

* Arrange his pillows and offer to take off his shoes. Speak in a low, soothing and pleasant voice.

* Don't ask him questions about his actions or question his judgement or integrity. Remember, he is the master of the house and as such will always exercise his will with fairness and truthfulness. You have no right to question him.

* A good wife always knows her place.

An actual 1955 Good Housekeeping article. Thanks for that Hubby, it's interesting to note that the original e-mail was sent by a MALE work colleague.