0 To 200 IN LESS THAN SIX SECONDS.

Hello All, Husband Dearest here, I'm out of hospital just in time for her ladyship to come down with influenza, so she may not be around for a few days.
She wishes you all well and has asked me to post this little pre-prepared post of humour.

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Ed was in trouble, he'd forgotten his wedding anniversary and his wife was really angry. She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in less than six seconds AND IT HAD BETTER BE THERE."

The next morning Ed got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up she looked out of the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused, she put on her robe and ran out into the driveway, and carried the box into the house where upon opening it she found a new bathroom scale

Ed has been missing since Friday.

- Thanks to Alan on FB.

A mom is driving her little girl to a friends house for a play date. "Mommy," she asks, "How old are you?"

The mother looks over at her daughter and replies "Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age, it isn't polite."

"Ok," says the little girl. "So how much do you weigh?"

"Now really," the mother says, "these are personal questions and are really none of your business."

Undaunted, the little girl then asks "Why did you and daddy get a divorce?"

"That is enough questions." The exasperated mother drives away as the two friends begin to play.

"My mom wouldn't tell me anything," the little girl complains to her friend.

"Well," said the friend, "All you need to do is take a sneak at her driving licence. It's like a report card, it has everything on it."

So, later that night the little girl turns to her mother, "I know how old you are. You are 32. And I know how much you weigh. You weigh 140 pounds."

By now past surprise and shock the mother asks "How in heaven's name did you find that out?"

Triumphantly carrying on, the little girl replies "And ..... I know why you and daddy got divorced."

"Oh really," says the mother. "Why is that?"

To which the girl replies "Because you got an F in sex."

- Thanks to June on FB.

My mothers at that age when she's obsessed with people dying. Only the other day she asked me if I knew Mr Warren from along the street. Yes, I replied. He's dead she said. Know Mrs Wright? Yes, I nodded. She's also dead. It was at this point that I thought I'd better tell mother to get off the roof and put the gun down.