WEE WEARING, SOCK SEARCHING (MALES IN) THOUGHT-CONTROLLED WHEELCHAIRS.

THE TELEGRAPH.

Didn't fancy having to deal with the 'arisings' as a ROYAL GARDENER, how about .......

A royal washer upper? The Queen has advertised for an official washer upper to become part of her royal entourage.

The £14,200-a-year post is based at Buckingham Palace but requires travel to other royal residences.

Candidates must be punctual, reliable and work well in a team. - Anita Singh (21/02/2011)

Hmm, I wonder if you have to supply your own rubber gloves?

Eau De Toilette anyone?

MALE MONKEYS USE THEIR URINE as a kind of 'after shave' to make them more attractive to females according to a new study.

Capuchin monkeys routinely urinate in their hands and rub the liquid around their body. - Louise Gray (25/02/2011)

Looks like the 'elf and safety' brigade have been at it again.

PRIMARY SCHOOL BANS FOOTBALLS. A school in Liverpool has banned footballs from its playground, saying pupils must use sponge balls. (25/02/2011)

And meanwhile, in Oxfordshire .......

SWIMMING GOGGLES ARE BANNED. A local authority has banned the use of swimming aids following concerns that they could 'snap' onto children's faces, injuring them.

Children will only be allowed to wear protective eye wear at council-run pools if they have a medical reason. (26/02/2011)

THE MAIL.

(24/02/2011)

POLICE LAUNCH SECURITY CAMPAIGN. When police launched a high-profile anti-burglary campaign with the motto ‘Close it, Lock it, Check it’ they hoped to stamp out the crime by encouraging householders and business owners to be more vigilant and look after their own premises.

It was a shame then that the force failed to heed its own wise words, leading to red faces all round when just hours later one of its own police stations was burgled.
An intruder apparently sneaked through an open window and got into their offices in Bury St Edmunds, Suffolk.

THE SUN

(26/02/2011)

Sisters are doin' it for themselves.

Standin' on their own two feet.

And ringin' on their own bells.

Sisters are doin' it for themselves.

....... So SANG ANNIE LENNOX

And it's not only sisters but grannies. Remember me telling you of  THE SUPERGRAN WHO FOILED A JEWELLERY HEIST? Well' it seems as if Ann Timson isn't the only grandmother doin' it for herself.

A pensioner gave a hammer-wielding burglar a tongue-lashing after finding him standing in her lounge.

She ordered drunken Thomas Evans to put his £150 booty back then gave him a brush and dustpan to clear up the glass he smashed breaking in.

Thank goodness Husband dearest (6ft, 3in tall) isn't Mr Average (5ft, 10in tall) as

THE AVERAGE BRITISH MALE WILL SPEND A MONTH OF HIS LIFE SEARCHING FOR SOCKS.

And when he's found them he'll be off down the pub for around about 10.585 hours, new research shows.

He'll watch 11 years of TV, learn to cook just four meals in his lifetime, sleep with nine partners and say sorry 1.9 million times. - Rhodri Phillips.

THE SUNDAY SUN

(27/02/2011)

I brought you details of the condom designed to commemorate the royal wedding thinking that these were in bad taste but, even worse, how about ..........

Forget tea towels, aprons, and assorted plates etc at last there is a royal wedding souvenir that is as practical as it is collectable - a royal wedding sick bag.

Designed by Lydia Leith, the royal wedding sick bag is similar to those you find on airplanes and comes in two patriotic colours - red and white or blue - with the legend 'throne up' at the top. - Mike Kelly.

AND HUSBAND DEARESTS CHOICES

(BBC NEWS)

A BRAZILIAN WOMAN FINDS AN ALLIGATOR BEHIND SOFA. A woman in Brazil was shocked to find an alligator hiding behind her sofa after heavy rains flooded her house in the town of Parauapebas, in Para state.

She said she was alerted to the reptile's presence by her three-year-old son, who was patting its head.  - (24/02/2011)

I love Madge (my electric wheelchair for those of you who haven't been introduced) and wouldn't swap her for anything. No, not even a .........

THOUGHT CONTROLLED WHEELCHAIR.  Thought-controlled wheelchairs which  can be directed by brain signals detected using a cap fitted to the user are some of the latest innovations in bionics being discussed at a science conference in Washington, USA. (Click on link for full story and amazing video footage.)

PLEASE NOTE - I Will always endeavour to bring you the links to articles I have used in my Media Monday posts but this is not always possible.