THE WIT & WISDOM OF HILDA FFINCH.

 My sincere apologies that seriously ill in hospital I was unable to participate in the Blog Tour. Still, better late than never, here are my thoughts on THE WIT & WISDOM OF HILDA FFINCH by JULIET WARRINGTON, my review of which contains some mild adult human.

One of several bloggers to be participating in the Blog Tour of Juliet Warringon's The Wit & Wisdom Of Hilda Ffinch, for the full list please see the Tour Schedule below.

England, 1940. With Adolf Hitler and his henchmen goose-stepping about the place and ranting for the Fatherland on the far side of the English Channel, the villagers of Little Hope in deepest, darkest Yorkshire, are doing their very best to Keep Calm and Carry On. It isn’t always easy though, even with the best of intentions.  There are evacuees to deal with as well as nightly air raid warnings and suspected fifth columnists. Worse still, there’s a dire shortage of spotted dick and knicker elastic.

But help is at hand! Enter Mrs Hilda Ffinch, horrendously rich and terribly bored lady of the manor who takes it upon herself to step into the role of Agony Aunt at the local newspaper.  

Unshockable, unshakable and completely devoid of any hint of tact whatsoever, Hilda soon has the villagers flocking to her banner as she dishes out her own unique brand of gin-fuelled advice.

What could possibly go wrong? ... Summary

"What do you mean you're 'a little short on communion wine again?" asked the Bishop, peering over the top of his spectacles at the Reverand Aubrey Fishwick, who appeared to be listing to port a little, "How big is your congregation?" ... First Sentence, 1: Welcome To Little Hope

 

"Whatever is that hullabaloo?" asked Hilda, looking up from her correspondence pile and simultaneously reaching for her gin.

"It does rather look as though your husband has got his cock out again," replied Mrs Fox, sipping her own gin thoughtfully before popping on her pince-nez to get a better look. "I don't know that I've ever seen such a big one, its attracting quite a crowd ..." ... Memorable Moment, V. How To Handle Cocks (and other barnyard animals

MY THOUGHTS ... Written in the form of various correspondences between any number of the imaginatively named residents of Little Hope who are seeking advice from 'the bird with all the answers', Hilda Ffinch, not a format I generally like but here it worked incredibly well: the advice both asked for and given, well ...

Let's just say that I found myself not so much laughing out loud as snorting in laughter at some of the humour which, be warned, can be full of innuendo and word play of a sexual nature.

Set in deepest, darkest Yorkshire in WW2, Hilda is, emm, probably less grand than she'd have folks think; (not quite 'all fur coat and nee knickers' as my nana was wont to say but not far off). A no nonsense 'agony aunt' who isn't afraid to call a spade a spade (another one of my late nana's sayings). Her sage advice to everyone from Mrs N Batt who is seeking advice on how to 'prevent the local dogs (and the occasional male human) from trying to lick the gravy browning off her legs' (Pg 111) to 'Charles' who has a dirty bayonet 'that no matter how matter how much he rubs the blessed thing just won't shine despite the fact that even his good old wife has had a bash at it too, spitting on it and then getting a bit of muslin and rubbing vigorously' (Pg 195) is bawdy for sure but also reflects just some of the problems that would have been faced by villagers living at that time.

SUMMED UP IN A SENTENCE ... If your a fan of double entendres and humour of the typical British sea-side kind, chances are you are going to find this The Wit & Wisdom Of Hilda Ffinch uproariously funny. 

INFORMATION ABOUT THE BOOK ... 

Title: The Wit and Wisdom of Hilda Ffinch

Author: Juliet Warrington

Genre: Historical Fiction

Publication Date: 22nd September 2020

Page Count: 342

Publisher: Clink Street Publishing

Links: GoodReads ~ Amazon

AUTHOR INFORMATION ... Juliet Warrington was born on a small (and now totally defunct) RAF station in the Libyan part of the Sahara Desert, some 30 odd miles from the Egyptian border. Constantly on the move as a child due to her dad’s job, she grew up in Surrey, Buckinghamshire, Cyprus and London. Long-term friendships were hard to form without internet and mobile phones and so books became her constant companions. She lived in Limassol with Lorna Doon, Aylesbury with Tom Sawyer and hid The Scarlet Pimpernel in the garden shed in Uxbridge on more than one occasion. She currently resides just outside Wrexham, in North Wales. 

FIND JULIET WARRINGTON ...

Website ~ Twitter ~ Instagram

TOUR SCHEDULE ... 

~ Monday 21st September: Jazzy Book Reviews ~ Tuesday 22nd September: Alex’s Books ~ Wednesday 23rd September: Varietats ~ Thursday 24th September: Donna’s Book Blog ~ Friday 25th September: Rambling Mads ~ Saturday 26th September: The Pewter Wolf ~ Monday 28th September: Big Book Little Book ~ Tuesday 29th September: Bookish Blue ~ Wednesday 30th September: Dash Fan Book Reviews ~ Thursday 1st October: Pen and Paper ~ Friday 2nd October: Books Fountain ~

A 2015 POST RE-CAP.

A tradition I first became aware of several years ago when I saw a post on Suko's Notebook. Who can believe it's December already and therefore time to recall the events of 2015 by sharing links to the first post of every month.

JANUARY: BOOKS READ 2014 ... Recalling 2014 which saw 137 books or approximately 41,858 pages read. Hmm! I wonder how 2015 will compare?

FEBRUARY: MRS DALLOWAY ... Sad to say but there is a certain amount of literary snobbery out there and I'm afraid when it comes down to the so called classics versus more contemporary fiction ..... Well, lets just say that in the book snobs eyes there is no comparison. And thus, worried my discernment as a reader might be called into question, I found myself almost loath to admit that not only did I not enjoy the novel, I was bored by it.

MARCH: ON MATTERS OF PUBLIC TRANSPORT AND CONVENIENCE ... From the passengers on the bus shout 'ding-ding-ding to the 10 most unusual things left in a north east taxi.

APRIL: LOVEFILM: MARCH '15 ... 'Delivery Man', 'Dawn Of The Planet Of The Apes', 'God's Not Dead', 'The Grand Budapest Hotel'.

MAY: 6 DEGREES OF SEPARATION #12: ELIZABETH IS MISSING ... A monthly meme in which readers are invited to link six books according to whatever connections come to mind. One of the few 'starter' books I had actually read, Elizabeth is missing took me from Swallowing Grandma by Kate Long to Jodi Picoult's The Storyteller.

JUNE: FROM NO SWEARING AT THE SHEEP TO A SEXUALLY INTENSE DUCK ... In an 'animal special' - the employee caught using profanities in front of animals to Desmond Drake, 'a sexually intense dead duck' and, of course, how could we forget? Bessie the Wallsend Cow.

JULY: GETTING CREATIVE ... From the 'Bibliochair' to DIY boobmarks via 'book bins' and a reading lamp.

AUGUST: THE PHARAOH'S CAT ... A time travel tale that takes us from ancient Egypt to modern day New York. Combining the history of ancient Egypt, a sweet romance, a pantomime villain and a talking cat with a great sense of humour The Pharaoh's Cat is as entertaining as it is educational.

SEPTEMBER: LOVEFILM: AUGUST '15 ... From 'Exodus: Gods And Kings' to 'Guardians Of The Galaxy' by way of 'The Boxtrolls'.

OCTOBER: THE SLEEPWALKER'S GUIDE TO DANCING ... At two pages shy of 500, too long. Not that this would put me off in itself but I'm afraid combined with the minute print of this Bloomsbury 2014 edition and the superfluous hour-by-hour, day-by-day ramblings reading The Sleep Walker's Guide To Dancing proved to be something of a chore.

NOVEMBER: A MEDIA MONDAY ETIQUETTE SPECIAL ... From videos comparing sex to that well known British pastime of drinking tea to the 39 steps of being a modern gentleman.

DECEMBER: WHEN LITTLE KITTY MET MOG: TWO 'PAW'SOME CATS, TWO GREAT CHARITIES ... Two great books raising money for two great charities both of which are close to my heart AND my favourite 2015 Christmas advert.

1900 House.

1900 HOUSE by MARK McCRUM and MATTHEW STURGIS. 

BOOK BLURB: Please click on book title for the amazon.co.uk description.

FIRST SENTENCE {Introduction}: The 1900 House experiment began life as a proposal for a television programme about domestic technology in the twentieth century - and how the numerous changes of the last one hundred years have impacted on people's daily lives.

MEMORABLE MOMENT {Pages 125: 'Social Etiquette'}:  The woman of 1900 was advised to put on her prettiest gown, and arm herself with her calling cards and 'a liberal supply of small talk.'

SOURCE: A re-read of a book bought for me many years ago by Mr T.

MY THOUGHTS: A coffee-table sized book that accompanied the 1999 television programme The 1900 House*.

With asides giving lots of actual historical facts from sources such as Cassell's Book of the Household and Mrs Beeton's cookbook, plenty of photographs of the house 'before and after' its transformation as well as diary extracts from the Bowler family who found themselves 'transported' back a century to live life as lived in 1900 this really is a fascinating, visually appealing read that does an amazing job in chronicling every day life in late Victorian Britain making it a great resource for both home and school use.

* View the documentary for free online here.

ON TRAFFIC CONES, STAG DOS AND BEING A LADY.

Please note whilst I endeavour to keep Monday Media family friendly some of the articles featured do have links to articles of a more adult nature. TT

London police were called to an incident involving several men dressed as traffic cones.

And meanwhile in Louth, Lincolnshire ...

Two men dressed as Batman and a Minion who were celebrating a stag night have been involved in an unprovoked attack involving ... you guessed .. a traffic cone.

Whilst in another stag do related incident in Blackpool ...

Initially thinking they had been drawn on in permanent maker an unnamed man from Swansea, Wales, soon discovered it was worse than that we he realised the 'Ray-Bans on his face had actually been tattooed on.


Evidently not wishing to leave us women out, after last week's 39 steps for the modern gentleman Country Life brings us our own lady's guide  ...

• Cooks perfect, crispy roast potatoes (a disaster in the kitchen as many of you know, Mr T will be laughing himself silly at this one)
• Excels at making love, lasagne and long gin and tonics (well, we've ruled out the lasagne. As for the other two, that's for me to know)
• Knows when to let a man think its his idea (don't we all?)

And talking of gin ...

A Northumberland police officer has provoked a backlash of complaints on social media after criticising a certain supermarket for selling gin and tonic flavoured crisps.

A MEDIA MONDAY ETIQUETTE SPECIAL.

Please note whilst I endeavour to keep Monday Media family friendly some of the articles featured do have links to articles of a more adult nature. TT

Hmm, having said that, perhaps more of an adult topic than is usual ...

'Maybe they were conscious when you asked them if they wanted tea, and they said 'yes'. But in the time it took you to boil the kettle, brew the tea and add the milk they are now unconscious .... Don't make them drink the tea. They said 'yes' then, sure but unconscious people don't want tea' ....

Sex and consent can be a difficult issue but not any more thanks to Thames Valley police who have tackled the issue by releasing a video comparing sex to that well known British pastime of drinking a cup of tea.

Talk about teaching grandma to suck eggs*....

New research by Oxford University in which researchers from Oxford and Finland combined the answers given by more than 1300 men and women from five countries to create a map showing where the touchable parts are for particular relationships and which are strictly taboo suggests amongst other things that men would rather be touched on their genitals by a casual female acquaintance than their mother whilst for women it was taboo to be touched intimately by anyone other than their mother or a partner.

There was a time when the correct breeding would out but in today's complex, hi-tech society the modern man could be forgiven for being bewildered as to what's what hence Country Life magazine (surely a sign of gentleman itself) has revealed the 39 steps of being a modern gentleman.

• Avoids wearing lilac socks (No, Mr T doesn't possess a pair of lilac socks)
• Has two tricks to entertain children (What? Only two? Why Mr T has several)
• Can undo a bra with one hand (Being a lady I'd never kiss and tell as to whether or not Mr T is capable of this or not)
• Knows when to use an emoji (Has he ever used one?)
• Never blow dries his hair (No, not something he ever does).

* An English language saying meaning that a person is giving advice to someone else about a subject about which they already know (and probably more than the first person). The origins of the phrase are not known though it has been suggested it comes from a 18th century translation.

ON MATTERS OF PUBLIC TRANSPORT AND CONVENIENCE.

Warning: Whilst I endeavour to keep Media monday family friendly I feel it only right to point out that some of the newspapers featured do have links to articles of a more adult theme. TT

Spotted on a Barnsley bus .... A note asking passengers to mimic the bell and shout 'Ding-Dong' should they wish to alert the driver.


Described as a welcome relief from 'destructive' acts of vandalism pranksters in a Surrey village took the phrase 'public convenience' to a new level and installed a toilet, sink and loo-roll holder in a bus stop overnight.


An unnamed Police Constable from Doncaster contacted his colleagues to report he had found a stolen police car not realising it was the car he had just stepped out of.

A baby, dead mice, goldfish, an artificial leg. Trawling through its records a taxi firm in the north east of England has revealed ten of the most unusual things left by forgetful passengers. 

WHO WOULD HAVE THOUGHT IT?

Cambridge shoppers did a double-take when a customised 'super buggy' with room for six was seen on the streets. IMAGE & FULL ARTICLE

And talking of babies .....

An expectant mother apparently asked for gifts from friends unable to attend her baby shower in the style of a really annoying poem. FULL ARTICLE

A 22 year old graphic designer from Bristol got his revenge on an internet seller who had ripped him off by bombBARDing him with the complete works of Shakespeare in 29,350 text messages. FULL ARTICE 

Describing how 'We heard a creak. Everyone sort of stopped and looked at each other' (something I thought men's toilet etiquette forbid at all costs. TT) 'and it gave way', seven men using a Salford nightspot's 'little men's room' crash through the floor and into the cellar. IMAGE & FULL ARTICLE

Talking of toilet etiquette .....

Announcing this years winner of the British trade magazine The Bookseller's Diagram Prize ...... "How to Poo on a Date: The Lovers' Guide to Toilet Etiquette" by Mats & Enzo. FULL ARTICLE

A psychic's powers of prediction deserted her when two of her live shows at a theatre in Lancashire were cancelled due to 'unforeseen circumstances'. FULL ARTICLE

After a job interview like no other Charlie the Macaw saw off the competition against three other skilled pets to become 'parrot in residence' at the Legoland Windsor Resort hotel. FULL ARTICLE

Some people collect stamps or coins but as Britain's first (and probably last) Drain Spotter 42 year old bachelor Calvin's Payne's hobby is unique. FULL ARTICLE

An RAF obsessed seven year old from Norfolk who has spent months using all his pocket money to collect model planes, limited edition posters, medals and military books is opening his bedroom to visitors after his collection of memorabilia was officially recognised as a museum. FULL ARTICLE

An enormous vending machine in a Clifton pub's car park which stocks over 80 products ranging from washing powder, shampoo and dog food has replaced the village shop. IMAGE & FULL ARTICLE

PS. If you haven't already done so please check out the In Bloom Giveaway HERE.

Copyright: Tracy Terry @ Pen and Paper. All original content on http://pettywitter.blogspot.co.uk/ is created by the website owner, including but not limited to text, design, code, images, photographs and videos are considered to be the Intellectual Property of the website owner, whether copyrighted or not, and are protected by DMCA Protection Services using the Digital Millennium Copyright Act Title 17 Chapter 512 (c)(3). Reproduction or re-publication of this content is prohibited without permission. In addition I would also urge that if you are reading this on any other page you contact the original blog owner/reviewer.

PRACTICALLY PERFECT IN EVERY WAY.

To begin with I have two lots of apologies to make.

Firstly my apologies that there hasn't been a Media Monday post for a while, I hope to resume this next week. 

And, secondly, sorry that there seemed to be some confusion about my logging in and commenting as other than Petty Witter on many of your blogs. I don't know how or why but my blog had changed to Google+, my blog profile had disappeared and I was unable to sign in as Petty Witter. Still, all sorted now - my thanks to the various bloggers/FB friends who got in touch with advice and, of course, my technical department (aka Husband dearest).

Anyway on to today's post. 

Having received a copy of Blanche Ebbutt's Don'ts For Wives: 1913 (see my review HERE) from Hd I was delighted to be offered these further words of wisdom to women about marital bliss late 1800's style from a friend of ours.

Don't ........

• nag him
• pester him for money
• wait up until he comes home from the club: it is far better to be in bed pretending to be asleep
• expect a dress more oftener than he offers to buy you one
• let him catch you curling your hair: nothing disgusts a man sooner than to learn that the girl who charmed him has developed into a wife who affects wrappers and curl-papers.
  
• bore him with talk of his mother-in-law
• expect help with the children: men weren't built to take notice of baby
• let yourself go once you have snared him: it is a positive duty to make yourself as attractive in his eyes as you possibly can

but above all ......

• don't argue with your husband, do whatever he tells you and obey all his orders.

Hmm, I can't think why this particular friend thought I might need this advice as just like Mary Poppins ......

I'm practically perfect in every way.

And if you don't believe me ask Hd.

IN NEED OF OLLY?

1. Do you feel the need for Olly in your life.

If you nodding your head in agreement, it could be another sign that you are addicted to online social networking sites such as FaceBook. (If you haven't already done so click HERE to take a test which will confirm or deny this.)

OR .......

If like me you are wondering who (or what) the heck Olly is, read on.


Basically its a web connected 'robot' that puffs out a scent of perfume every time you get a mention, notification or comment on a post online.

But how does this suggest I might be addicted?

Well, I think its highly likely that you spend at lot of time online if you feel the need to have a device, sorry robot, that watches millions of messages passing through social networks only to spot when you, its owner, are mentioned whereupon it will emit a whiff of perfume that will differ in scent depending on the type of interaction (comment posted, mention by name, retweet etc). The smells tried during testing being vomit, candyfloss and a partner's perfume. Read More

So, do you feel the need of Olly in your life AND, if so, which fragrance(s) would you pick?


2. You are so busy updating your status that you don't even notice posters such as this one in New York, America ...........

Facebook-obsessed New York pedestrians who update their status while walking are encouraged to watch where they're going by the set of warning sings placed on street lamps across the American city.
While the notices look like they have been placed by local authorities, they are actually the brainchild of US street artist Jay Shells and form part of his etiquette campaign aimed at 'improving people's lives'. Read More 

BOOK CLUB DOS AND DON'TS

A member of two reading groups myself I was interested to read THIS ARTICLE on the MailOnline ..........

First Rule of Book Club: Don't read Middlemarch! Stuffy 19th century literature is a turn-off for readers.

With no rules written down or otherwise, both of the groups I attend - hello The White Swan Readers (WSR), greetings The Oxford Centre Reading Group (OCRG) - seem to run pretty smoothly though I have to say that there are generally some moans and groans as soon as 19th century literature is mentioned - I seem to remember there were one or two moans and groans when it was suggested we read Dickens Bleak House.

But perhaps we are doing it all wrong and should take a leaf out of the book (no pun intended) of THE MIDDLE CLASS HANDBOOK website who offer the following advice to ........ 

'help members keep discussions on track and prevent the collapse of their club'.

• Avoid Middlemarch at all costs: It is the death knell for a book club. Attempt anything pre-1900 and over 450 pages and your book club will shrivel up and die. 
• Beware meandering group members, they should be told to stick to the material in hand. Too many allow conversations to slide away from narrative structure and character development into gossip and what's on tv. 
• Ditch the over-opinionated friend: The point of a book club is to talk about the book.  None of this is possible if one member insists on shrieking 'It’s an allegory!!! It’s a bloody allegory, why are we still talking about this?’
• Keep alcohol to a minimum,  it's nice to be out on a weekday and one more glass won't hurt, but it's easy to get carried away. Soon the book discussion is dispatched within ten minutes and the rest of the evening is spent dissecting husbands and exes and polishing off another bottle or two.
• Film and television adaptations are a big no-no: Can’t we just watch the film? What about the BBC adaptation on DVD? 
• And remember ..........  

The book club that drifts away from books towards discussions of Sean Bean is destined for failure.'

Any 'rules' you'd add?

ST BRIDGET'S COMPLAINT AKA BACHELOR'S DAY.

Thirty days hath September,
April, June and November;
 February has twenty eight alone
All the rest have thirty-one
Except in Leap Year, that's the time
When February's Days are twenty-nine.

- An old English poem dating back to the 16th century.

It's the 29th of February which makes it a Leap Year and you know what that means, right?

It means that here in Britain its traditional for women to propose to their men folk.

Yes, I know a bit outdated when in many of today's cultures its perfectly acceptable for women to do the proposing but this hasn't always been the case.

Way back when the etiquette surrounding courtship was much stricter it was generally considered unseemly for women to 'get down on one knee' but not so if there happened to be 29 days that February.

But where and when did this tradition begin?

Aha, probably only a tall-tale, an urban myth BUT it's believed to have begun in 5th century Ireland when ST BRIDGET of Kildare  complained to a certain ST PATRICK about women having to wait for men to propose and, being in a good mood that day, Patrick agreed that women should be allowed to 'pop the question' BUT only on this one day in February every four years.

This then continued in Scotland when in 1288 Queen Margaret (though only 5 at the time) was said to have declared that on the 29th of February a women had the right to propose marriage .......... tradition stating that any man who refused such a proposal in a Leap Year would pay a fine ranging from a kiss to the purchase of gloves or even a silk gown though, as some would have it, only if she were wearing a red petticoat at the time.

So, what of other Leap Year traditions?

• People born on the 29th of February (sometimes known as Leaplings OR Leapers) are invited to join the The Honour Society of Leap Year Day Babies.
• The appearance of a baby's first tooth should not be celebrated on this day - if it is than none of its other teeth will grow correctly and the child will be cursed with bad teeth for the rest of its life.
• It was once considered unlucky for betrothed couples to be photographed together on this day as, being neither married nor unmarried, they were said to exist in an in-between state and thus must take care to not show the appearance of enduring couplehood just in case by flaunting their togetherness they jinxed their future lives together.
• It is said that great good luck attaches itself to anything begun on this day so those setting on a business venture will be successful as will any child conceived within this 24 hour period.
• Some believe that because it is such an unusual year mortality rates  increase and there will be more natural disasters.
• When sowing seeds in the spring of any Leap Year a farmer traditionally uttered "I am sowing in a Leap Year - so I'll live a little more."
• In Greece it is thought to be unlucky to marry on a Leap Day.
• Those who divorce in a Leap Year will never find happiness again.

* Leap Years are needed to keep our calendar in alignment with the Earth's revolutions around the sun. 

It takes the Earth approximately 365.242199 days (a tropical year) to circle once around the Sun.

However, the Gregorian calendar has only 365 days in a year, so if we didn't add a day on February 29 nearly every 4 years, we would lose almost six hours off our calendar every year. After only 100 years, our calendar would be off by approximately 24 days! - timeanddate.com

MANNERS PLEASE.

"Manners maketh man."

- William of Wykeham, Chancellor of England, Bishop of Winchester and founder of New College, Oxford, and Winchester College.

In a recent interview, Michelle Dockery, who plays Lady Mary in DownTon Abbey, bemoaned the lost art of chivalry commenting.......

“Those old manners – such as men standing when women arrive at the dinner table or opening doors for you – are lovely,” she said. “But young men wouldn’t think about that for a second because it’s not the culture any more.”

Or is it just that with the advent of the so-called Girl Power a whole generation of women have grown up thinking men are treating them as the weaker sex who are unable to open a door for themselves? Its either that OR a whole generation of men have grown up never for one moment even considering that a woman might actually enjoy having a door held open for her? 

Hmm, I wonder.

Anyway in a Telegraph article journalist Iain Hollingshead offers this somewhat tongue-in-cheek do and don't guide to chivalry for the confused and fallible 21st-century male - click HERE to view in full.

ON THE COMMUTER TRAIN

Do ......
 Offer a pregnant woman your seat
 Check that the “pregnant” woman isn’t just a bit fat
 Check again
 Try to remain calm when you’re slapped in the face by an outraged fat woman

Don’t ......
 Put your armpit in a short woman’s face
 Hit anyone with your man bag, unless they’re a tourist
 Get on the Underground without letting people off first, unless it’s rush hour on the Northern Line, in which case it’s every man and (pregnant) woman for themselves

Do ...... 
 Offer to carry a woman’s bag if it looks heavy

Don’t ......
 Be too offended when she calls the police.


IN THE OFFICE


Do ......
 Congratulate a female colleague on her forthcoming marriage

Don’t ......
 Ask her when she’s going to have children – and whether this means you can take her job

Do ......
 Include your female colleagues when you visit a strip club with clients

Don’t ......
 Be surprised when they sue your firm for £10.4 million for sexual harassment

Do ......
 Take your statutory paternity leave

Don’t ......
 Tell your male colleagues how much you enjoyed it

Do ......
 Be encouraging to the girl on work experience

Don’t ......
 Show her round the stationery cupboard


ON A FIRST DATE


Do ......
 Offer to pay
 Repeat your offer when she counter-offers to “go Dutch”
 Give in gracefully when she insists for a second time

Don’t ......
 Suggest you should go Dutch straight away
 Point out that she had a more expensive starter than you and should
 pay accordingly
 Invoice her after the third date when she refuses a fourth


AT THE SHOPS


Do ......
 Hold a door open for a woman
 Hold a door open for a man

Don’t ......
 Get too upset when no one says thank you


IN THE NIGHTCLUB


Do ......
 Ask a girl to dance
 Dance well
 Try to kiss her

Don’t ......
 Lunge unsuccessfully more than once
 Dance too well

WHILE PROPOSING


Do ......
 Ask her before she asks you
 Ask her before she asks you to ask her
 Ask her father for permission unless she would definitely like you not to ask her father, but you can’t ask her to find out – you should just know
 Go down on one knee, unless she’d rather you didn’t
 Have a perfect ring, unless she’d rather choose it together
 Make it more romantic, more memorable and more impressive than all her friends’ proposals put together

Don’t .....
 Forget a single one of the dos

AT THE WEDDING


Do ......
 Say how nice the bride looks

Don’t ......
 Point out how much money they could have saved if she had only worn that nice dress she already had in her wardrobe

AT THE DINNER PARTY


Do ......
 Stand up when a woman comes into the room

Don’t ......
 Stand up if the room they’ve walked into is the lavatory

Do ......
 Flirt gently with your hostess

Don’t ......
 Ask her to leave the room after pudding so the men can talk business

Do ......
 Offer to drive your wife home

Don’t ......
 Put your keys in the bowl in the middle of the table first


IN THE PUB


Do ......
 Stand your round
 Pretend you’re interested in football

Don’t ......
 Order shandy


IN THE HOME

Do ......
 Take out the rubbish
 Put up shelves
 Deal with spiders
 Cook
 Learn how to change nappies

Don’t ......
 Complain
 Suggest that maternity leave is just a paid holiday

Do ......
 Fend off burglars

Don’t ......
 Kill them

IN THE BATHROOM


Do ......
 Use moisturiser

Don’t ......
 Tell anyone about it


ON THE MIXED DOUBLES TENNIS COURT

Do ......
 Pretend you’re trying your hardest

Don’t ......
 Slam a smash into your friend’s wife’s face

IN THE DELIVERY ROOM


Do ......
 Turn up
 Hold your wife’s hand
 Be sober

Don’t ......
 Be upset that when in the throes of labour pains your wife draws blood with her nails and calls you a ******* ****

IN THE RESTAURANT


Do ......
 Pretend you know something about wine when the sniffy maitre d’ thrusts a menu at you

Don’t ......
 Automatically choose the second cheapest

Do ......
 Sniff, swill and taste without giggling

Don’t ......
 Send the screw-top white back because it’s corked


ON THE SOFA


Do ......
 Pretend that you’re just as interested in Downton Abbey as Top Gear, Ultimate Force and Scrapheap Challenge

Don’t ......
 Take too seriously the views of an actress asked about modern manners

OR, might I suggest, a journalists article on chivalry for the confused and fallible 21st-century male.