NOW YOU KNOW HOW TO .........

Being the thoughtful, safety conscious type of person that I am, after posting the article about the woman with a rather, err, unique way of DEALING WITH A BEAR, I started to worry about what would happen if one of you, my blogger buddies, were to be attacked by a creature other than a bear - could I sleep at night knowing that I could have saved you? So ..........

Here, according to Monday's Guardian g2, is 'What To Do If Animals Attack You'.

Hungry monkeys: You could simply give the said monkey your (add snack of choice). Failing that try the 'open mouth threat' - make an 'O' with your mouth, lean forward and raise your eyebrows. Then back away slowly. If that doesn't work, open a can of beer and talk about football (they're a bit more afraid of men than woman).

Killer Bees: Africanised honeybees aim for your mouth and nose first (not a good time to be talking football then). So pull your top up over your head, then run, run, run away. Don't give up too soon - they've been known to chase victims for more than 400 metres. If possible, shut yourself in a car or building. Diving into water won't help - they'll wait till you come up for air.

Crocodiles And Alligators: (First and foremost, don't threaten it by suggesting it would make a nice handbag/pair of shoes.) 

Whatever some idiots tell you, crocs and gators cannot run faster than racehorses (what about someone using crutches?) On land, even humans have a good chance of outpacing them (even one on crutches?) Forget anything you've heard about zigzagging - just leg it. If the reptile gets you into its mouth, don't waste time (talking about football) trying to prise its jaw open. Stick your thumb or finger into its eye. The pain and shock should make it release you. (Hmm, no further instructions as to what to do if this doesn't have the desired effect but I'm pretty sure it doesn't involve football.)

Sharks: If it's trying to take chunks out of your boat, hit it with a paddle or a pole (or a crutch). The vulnerable spots are the eyes, gills and snout. If you're in the water, you my be able to scape by rapid changes of direction. Sharks are not very manoeuvrable. If you're in it's mouth, do not play dead. Eyes, gills, snout, remember.

Elephants: Plan A: Climb a tree, first making sure it's big enough that it can't be pushed over. Plan B: Play dead in the hope that Jumbo will get tired of tossing your body around.

- As reported by Phil Daoust.