3 Oct 2010

NOW YOU KNOW HOW TO .........

Being the thoughtful, safety conscious type of person that I am, after posting the article about the woman with a rather, err, unique way of DEALING WITH A BEAR, I started to worry about what would happen if one of you, my blogger buddies, were to be attacked by a creature other than a bear - could I sleep at night knowing that I could have saved you? So ..........

Here, according to Monday's Guardian g2, is 'What To Do If Animals Attack You'.

Hungry monkeys: You could simply give the said monkey your (add snack of choice). Failing that try the 'open mouth threat' - make an 'O' with your mouth, lean forward and raise your eyebrows. Then back away slowly. If that doesn't work, open a can of beer and talk about football (they're a bit more afraid of men than woman).

Killer Bees: Africanised honeybees aim for your mouth and nose first (not a good time to be talking football then). So pull your top up over your head, then run, run, run away. Don't give up too soon - they've been known to chase victims for more than 400 metres. If possible, shut yourself in a car or building. Diving into water won't help - they'll wait till you come up for air.

Crocodiles And Alligators: (First and foremost, don't threaten it by suggesting it would make a nice handbag/pair of shoes.) 
Whatever some idiots tell you, crocs and gators cannot run faster than racehorses (what about someone using crutches?) On land, even humans have a good chance of outpacing them (even one on crutches?) Forget anything you've heard about zigzagging - just leg it. If the reptile gets you into its mouth, don't waste time (talking about football) trying to prise its jaw open. Stick your thumb or finger into its eye. The pain and shock should make it release you. (Hmm, no further instructions as to what to do if this doesn't have the desired effect but I'm pretty sure it doesn't involve football.)

Sharks: If it's trying to take chunks out of your boat, hit it with a paddle or a pole (or a crutch). The vulnerable spots are the eyes, gills and snout. If you're in the water, you my be able to scape by rapid changes of direction. Sharks are not very manoeuvrable. If you're in it's mouth, do not play dead. Eyes, gills, snout, remember.

Elephants: Plan A: Climb a tree, first making sure it's big enough that it can't be pushed over. Plan B: Play dead in the hope that Jumbo will get tired of tossing your body around.
- As reported by Phil Daoust.

31 comments:

Misha1989 said...

I love reading your posts. I have been bitten by bees(not killer ones..). Its PAINFUL!

Arti said...

....Escape unhurt! Definitely, Yes!!
Having encountered many monkeys in temples here in India, my first hand experience says that it is always best to part with your snack!
Thats it in the name of experience though, thank God for that:)

Boonie S said...

Useful info. Thanks.
I prefer to shoot ‘em though….

All the best, Boonie

Mary said...

Good to know what to (or not to) do when confronted by those animals. I may have a nightmare about the killer bees. I don't like to think about one, much less a swarm!!

Clarissa Draper said...

ha ha ha ha ha...this is so funny.

I'll have to make a note, when I plan to go swimming with sharks or crocodiles, I should bring a crutch.

CD

Dorte H said...

LOL. I am feeling extremely safe and protected now. Besides, my husband is around, removing flies and other very dead(ly) insects by Hoovering them.

And if you have a crutch around, try to stick it into the animal´s mouth, eye, snout or whatever. I bet that is much more useful than football (talk). Women have been known to leave a man alone if he raves too much about football, but any other species? - I doubt it.

kavita said...

Hilarious ! A perfect Sunday post for me.Thanks for the interesting advices and the laughs :):)

budh.aaah said...

Hahaa..Just the kinda knowledge that comes in handy in emergencies and a funny read too.

SG said...

Thanks for the nice ideas. Especially, I like opening a can of beer and talk football.

Pam said...

Since I do try to avoid these animals, hopefully I won't have to use this advice! It's fine about the email. I have just had so many winners in the past that have no public profile or no way for me to find the email tht I started including that. I really don't care as long as I have some way of reaching winners. :)

Oddyoddyo13 said...

LoL! Now I have the urge to watch Dumbo. :)

Thank you for these tips-they will probably save my life the next time I venture out into the real world!

Karen said...

Living in FL we have two of those issues: Sharks and alligators. As far as the alligators go I would like to add that maybe you should go wimming in the springs at night during mating season. Seems logical....but not so much. This is where most of our attacks happen.
The bees cracked me up. Oh the visual....running with your shirt up over your face running blindly for 400M....lol

Alexia561 said...

Thank you for the hints for saving my life! I don't know anything about football, so will have to carry my crutches around with me for defensive purposes! :D

purplume said...

I've never been stung by a bee, could it be the unsweetness factor?
Sharks, I'm afraid of. Must remember to poke him in the eye and zigzag.

Elizabeth said...

Stopping back for a visit......just hopping by...hope you are having fun in the hop.

Stop by my blog if you like to see how I get the word out:

http://silversolara.blogspot.com

Kelly said...

Wow! Some interesting information here!!

I don't think I have a chance of running into any of these except perhaps an alligator. Killer bees haven't made it quite to my area yet.

Let's hope I remember all this if confronted!

Nikki-ann said...

LOL Brilliant! :D

maischeph said...

So I'm to understand that I need to bring someone on crutches with me? At the very least, s/he will get left behind so I can get away. After all, you don't need be the fastest, just faster than the person behind you.

Suko said...

Petty, think of all the lives you saved by posting this! But what if I encounter a venomous snake?! :D

awitchtrying said...

So funny! Any advise on dealing with pestering house cats who can't decide if they want to be in or out? It's not endangering my life, but maybe theirs...

iamjenai said...

OKay your post made me laugh so hard here and right now im in the office (on the phone right now waiting for the cellphone operator to pick up the DAMN phone! <-- not angry)

so back to your post, it was sooo funny i cant stop laughing. I will definitely remember these things (might print it later for posting here in my cubicle) well i haven't experienced those things attacking me but i live now far in city so might be useful for me and my family! but definitely not the sharks - i dont really go to beaches nowadays.

BURIED IN BOOKS said...

God did I need those laughs today! I knew I'd find something interesting on your site to make me laugh! Thanks for those, I was in tears. You must be a hoot to live with. Laughter is how to keep a marriage alive, my husband of 16 years makes me laugh every day!

Heather
Buried in Books

Erratic Thoughts said...

ROFL!:D:D hahahaha...
Good Lord! This is so informative!

Shit, I've to update my football G.K. (it has simply hit an all time low at the moment!)

I lurved your post so very much!
You are too good in sharing the most dan-ge-rous info in the most hilarious way! haha!
I'm liking your advices day by day.:D

themethatisme said...

..because Newcastle is just thick with sharks, elephants,crocodiles, aligators, monkeys and african bees. Still at least we saw off the dinosaurs.

R. Ramesh said...

ya friend..dentists worldwide seem to charge exorbitant fee..:)

GMR said...

*breaths sigh of relief* I feel safer already. ^_^

Jenners said...

Thank you for potentially saving my life someday. If I meet an elephant in New Jersey, I will be sure to climb the highest sturdiest tree!

Natalie (I'd So Rather Be Reading) said...

LOL! This really gave me a good laugh!!! I love all your pictures/phrases on your sidebar :)

Alyce said...

Those are great! One of the teachers I worked with in a volunteer program in high school had successfully fought off a great white shark while he was surfing. He has a huge scar on his leg and his surfboard is missing a chunk (and on display at a local surf shop).

Jeanne said...

All good things to know.

Is it okay if it's American football?

Short Poems said...

Thanks for the great ideas!