SAYING THE STUPIDEST OF THINGS.

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place. Thanks to Urszula for the e-mail.

• ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
  WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
  ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
  WITNESS: My name is Susan!

• ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
  WITNESS: Yes.
  ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
  WITNESS: I forget.
  ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?

• ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
  WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

• ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
  WITNESS: Yes.
  ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
  WITNESS: None.
  ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
  WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?

• ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
  WITNESS: By death.
  ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
  WITNESS: Take a guess.

• ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
  WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.

• ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
  WITNESS: Oral.

• ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
  WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
  ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
  WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.

• ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
  WITNESS: No.
  ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
  WITNESS: No.
  ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
  WITNESS: No.
  ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy? WITNESS: No.
  ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
  WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
  ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
  WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.