TODAYS NEWS, TOMORROWS FISH & CHIPS WRAPPER.

My Nana often used this expression to console those who were being gossiped about - "Never mind, Hinny. Your today's news but, by tomorrow, all it'll be good for is wrapping fish and chips". Aah those were the days, newspapers were being recycled even then and, ok, so you got your hands covered in ink but I'm sure chips tasted all the better for it.

Anyway, onto my take of the newspapers.

One of my first ten friends on Facebook was Smirnoff (otherwise known as Smir) - a dog that would be better suited as a horse. Imagine then discovering this article.

A dog has just been given its own Facebook profile. Jasper Gray, a golden retriever, has now got his own profile on the social networking site. He adds photos and videos, chats to friends and lists his activities as "eating and running".

The dog is a much-loved member of the Gray family, who also have two other dogs, two cats, two rabbits, an aquarium of tropical fish, a pony and a 5ft snake.

The Gray family run their business Petpals (Cynical of me perhaps but, hardly 'breaking news', Jasper isn't the first dog to be on Facebook and he won't be the last - now we have the REAL reason behind the story, to promote this couple's business. Clever) alongside keeping on top of their social net-working (for) as the face of Petpals, customers and their pets regularly email Jasper.

- An edited version of an article in the Sunday Sun.

And whilst on the subject of Facebook, Sharon of SHARON'S GARDEN OF BOOK REVIEWS reported that her eldest son, Coleman, had had an accident in which his arm was broken and was about to be operated on. My best wishes to Sharon, her husband, Don and, son, Cameron.

There were two articles about Christmas trees that caught my eye this week.

The first, in most of the newspapers. being the story of this unimpressive Christmas tree, branded Britain's worst. (Click HERE to view.)

And, the second ....

Dopey prison guards unwittingly allowed a convicted drug dealer to grow cannabis in his cell - and even decorate one 4ft plant as a CHRISTMAS TREE! (Not that I'd know what a cannabis plant looks like but, come on, you'd have to be suspicious, wouldn't you?)

Gold-toothed Mohamed Jalloh, 28, convinced jail staff that his crop was really tomato plants.

He grew it for at least five months while unsuspecting officers and bosses admired his 'green' fingers. And he got so cocky he put festive decorations on one to brighten up his cell. Eventually he was 'grassed' up by a jealous inmate - and guards identified the plants using Google snaps.

- An edited version of an article in the Sun.

As the future of library services here in England is about to be discussed I was delighted to read this article.

When the mobile library stopped visiting, it was a blow for the villagers of Westbury-sub-Mendip. And when they found out they could lose their beloved red phone box, there was an outcry.

Happily a bright spark in the Somerset village (population 800) hatched a clever plan to tackle both difficulties, why not buy the phone box and use it to set up a mini-library?

- An edited version of an article by Steven Morris, reporting in The Guardian. (For the full article and to view the phone box cum library, click HERE.)

And, a litte more adult in content than my usual reports, how's this for an award? THE LITERARY REVIEWS BAD SEX PRIZE. Yes, that's right there is an actual award for the worst description of sex in a contemporary novel.

The 'most dreaded literary prize' has been won by Wendy Perriam for a description of pin-striped sex in her novel Tread Softly.

- An edited version of an article by Michelle Pauli, reporting in The Guardian. (Click HERE for the full story.)

And finally, under the headline "SWINE FLEW", my second animal story.

This flying piglet is out to become the next star of Britain's Got Talent - after taking up trampolining.

Porker, Scarlet developed her love of bouncing after owner Gwen Howell put her on her daughters' garden toy.

Now she keeps jumping for hours on end. And mum-of-two Gwen, 46, plans to take her to the Britain's Got Talent auditions at Birmingham's NEC next Thursday. (The things people will do to get on television!)

Gwen said "We're really looking forward to it. Scarlet will be trampolining and (just when you thought things couldn't get any more bizarre....) two of our pigs, Arthur and Polly, will be doing their own dances nearby.

"We hope the judges will be impressed."

- An edited version of an article by Lee Gain, reporting in the Sun.