FOOLISH FELONS.

It's criminal (pun intended) just how stupid these thieves are.

* A thief wasn't so flush when he was caught short making a getaway. He was forced to stop for a wee - and he left his £600 haul on the cistern of the public toilet in Klagenfurt, Austria.

(My favourite) * Two would-be robbers tried to speed up their heist in Connecticut, USA, by ringing up the bank in advance telling them to have the cash ready for them. When they arrived, they were surprised to find police waiting for them in the car park.

* A masked gunmen who tried to rob a bank in Kirchheim, Austria, turned up on it's early closing day. Staff - who were undertaking a training session - laughed as the man, who was wearing a mask of President Obama, banged on the door to be let in.

* A drunken thief who stole a bottle of schnapps from a grocery store in Wyoming, USA, attempted to hide in a nearby building, only to discover it was the ...... local police station.

* A thief who stuffed 75 glass bottles of body lotion down his trousers failed to make a clean getaway. Police in Massachusetts, USA, caught him because he was so weighed down by the five gallons of lotion that he couldn't run. (Brings a whole new meaning to the Michael Jackson song, Smooth Criminal. Body lotion - smooth. Ok so it wasn't that funny.)

(Talking of music) * Police are feeling confident about catching a thief spotted on camera snatching cash from the till of a music shop in Christchurch, New Zealand. Just moments before the robbery, the hapless thief had reserved a Pink Floyd album at the store and left staff with his name AND address.

* Lovesick crook, Stephen Bennet, 20, became so attracted to a woman he robbed that he returned to her home in Ohio, USA, two hours after the crime to ask her out on a date. Unsurprisingly, he was promptly arrested.

(Just to prove that it isn't only Austria, New Zealand and America who have brainless criminals.)

* The manager of an Asda store in Lancashire, England, thought there was something familiar about an applicant he was interviewing for a job as a self-stacker. Then he remembered he'd spotted Simon Holden, 22, on CCTV footage earlier in the week stealing four boxes of lager off the supermarket's shelves. (Mmm, I wonder if he got the job?)

(I shouldn't have laughed but I did) * In England, some Essex jewel thieves chose the wrong getaway driver in John Smith, 18. He has no forearms and needed someone to change gear for him. He drove 30 miles before crashing.

(Back across 'the pond') * On-the-run bank robber, Mark White, 32, was arrested after he hitched a ride with an undercover police officer in Michigan.