Pen and Paper

THE WORST EVER RHYME IN A POPULAR SONG.

2012-02-01T13:39:00.000Z

I love some of the weird and wonderful questions featured in the Guardian newspaper's Notes And Queries page.

Take for example this question .........

Is Neil Sedaka's 'Oh Carol/ I am but a fool/ Darling I love you/ Though you treat me cruel' the worst-ever rhyme in a popular song?

And the answer?

NO! These lyrics are worse .......

Gonna write a classic

Gonna write it in an attic

Babe, I'm an addict

- Classic, Adrian Gurvitz.

Well he looked down at my silver chain

He said I'll give you one dollar

I said you've got to be joking man

It was a present from me mother.

- Dreadlock Holiday, 10cc.

I don't want to see a ghost

It's the sight that I fear most

I'd rather have a piece of toast

And watch the evening news.

- Life, Des'ree.

What do get when you kiss a guy

You get enough germs to catch pneumonia

After you do he'll never phone ya

I'll never fall in love again.

- I'll never fall in love again, Bobbie Gentry.

And the lyrics I'd contribute?

Why of course my theme tune, Tracy by The Cuff Links .......

Tracy, when I'm with you

Somethin' you do

Bounces me off the ceiling

Tracy, day after day

When you're this way

I get a lovin' feelin'

So, what's your favourite lyric from the choices above? OR maybe you have a song lyric of your own that you'd like to share.

THE LOST PROPHECIES.

2012-01-31T15:15:00.000Z

THE LOST PROPHECIES (MEDIEVAL MURDERS 4) by The Medieval Murderers (comprising BERNARD KNIGHT, IAN MORSON, MICHAEL JECKS *, SUSANNA GREGORY *, PHILIP GOODEN, C.J. SANSOM *).

* Indicates an author I've previously read.

A mysterious book of prophecies, written by a sixth century Irish monk, has puzzled scholars through the ages. Foretelling wars, plagues and rebellions, the Black Book of Bran is said to have predicted the Black Death and the Gunpowder Plot. But is it the result of divine inspiration or the ravings of a madman? A hidden hoard of Saxon gold. A poisoned priest. A monk skinned alive in Westminster Abbey. Only one thing is certain: whoever comes into possession of the cursed book meets a gruesome end.

....... Outer back cover.

FIRST SENTENCE (Prologue): In the early morning light, the fisherman Guleesh ventured nervously from his hut above Banna Strand in the Bay of Ballyheigue.

MEMORABLE MOMENT (Page 301): They had painted the victim's names on a sheet, which was pinned across the front of their church. For the benefit of those who could not read, drawings of the dead lads' faces had been included, each with a skull below it, to represent death.

KEEP IT OR NOT?: Now there's a question.

By the Medieval Murderers? Yes, this was a novel written by not one, not two, but six well known British crime writers who each take a turn in writing an 'act' all of which are connected by the main premise which is the book of prophecies written by a sixth century Irish monk.

Albeit with a central theme, this, when all is said and done, is a collection of short stories which, as many of you know, isn't a favourite genre of mine, but I decided to give it a go as I was interested to read something else by C.J. Sansom (I love his Shardlake series) AND, secondly, I was intrigued to read for myself just whether or not this style of writing a novel would work ....... so did it?

Hmm, I have mixed feelings about this but, on the whole, would have to say that I was quite surprised at just how well it did work.

Set in the past (apart from C.J. Sansom's offering, which, the last story in the book, was set in the not too distant future) I was quite impressed at the array of different settings, one moment I found myself in an English monastery, the next in a Tartar tent in Russia, AND then there was the way in which (most of) the authors managed to bring the events and characters to life in such a relatively short time.

On the negative side though ..... it has to be said that some of the authors style of writing suited this book more than others which didn't make for a 'constant' read in that I found myself really enjoyed one act, finding it difficult to put the book down, only to then find myself struggling laboriously with the next act.

All in all, an interesting reading experience, not one I'm sure I'd want to repeat any time soon though, I'd recommend this as something just that little bit different.

INCLUDING AMONGST OTHER THINGS HOMER SIMPSON AND SPIDERMAN

2012-01-30T09:31:00.000Z

And they called it ~~puppy~~ pizza love.

POOCH STARTS BLAZE. A pizza loving pooch set fire to its owner's home after switching on an hob trying to get a bite of its favourite cheesy snack.

The Staffordshire bull terrier had jumped up to try to get at the pizza which had been left on top of the oven when it knocked one of its knobs, a spokeswoman for Staffordshire Fire and Rescue Service said. - The Sun (24/01/2012)

On yer bike!

BRITAIN'S ONLY TANDEM HEARSE IS UP FOR SALE. Britain's only tandem bicycle hearse has been put up for sale as its Reverend owner Paul Sinclair claims he's no longer fit enough to ride it up hill.

Although the novel idea has been popular among cycling enthusiasts and the environmentally friendly, Rev Sinclair and his wife Marian are just not up to long bike rides anymore and have struggled to find locals willing to take up their job. - Emily Hewett, The Metro (25/01/2012)

How this fairy made a whole theatre audience disappear.

A pantomime fairy appeared on stage in a puff of smoke and set off a fire alarm, causing the evacuation of Dormston Mill Theatre. - The Telegraph.

D'oh!!!!!!

SIMPSON FANS BID THOUSANDS FOR BIT OF GLUE. A 1cm piece of dried glue (pictured right) that vaguely resembles Homer Simpson (shown left) is attracting bids of over £2000 on E-Bay.

Seller Christopher Herbert, from London, noticed its uncanny resemblance to the balding character, and listed it on the auction site as 'the missing piece in any Simpsons fans collection. - Emma Gritt, The Metro (26/01/2012)

And so onto another cartoon character.

SPIDERMAN BURGLAR STRIKES. CCTV captures a burglar conducting a Spiderman-style break-in at a supermarket by cutting a hole in the roof and abseiling down a rope into the store, from where £10,000 of cigarettes and alcohol were then stolen. - The Telegraph (29/01/2012) Click on article link to see video footage.

Does this look dangerous to you?

HAGGIS CAUSES SECURITY ALERT. British Transport Police were called to a train station in Inverness, Scotland, after worried railway staff identified a model haggis dressed in a tartan kilt as a possible security threat.

The unaccompanied papier-mache haggis was put on a train at Kirkcaldy in Fife from where it travelled for over three hours and across 114 miles to its final destination.Staff failed to see the funny side of the stunt and called in British Transport Police officials who were waiting for the package when it arrived.

The haggis, believed to have been part of a student art project, caused a major security breach when it arrived in Inverness later that day. - Mark Molloy, The Metro (26/01/2012)

Another case of 'health and safety' overcoming commonsense?

SHOPPER TRAPPED IN LIFT BECAUSE STAFF WERE NOT QUALIFIED TO PRESS A BUTTON. Shopper Janice Woodward spent 75 minutes trapped in a supermarket lift with her granddaughter after health and safety rules stopped staff pushing a button to rescue them, it is claimed.

Although staff attended the emergency they couldn't touch a control button to release the lift because they weren't qualified.

Instead Mrs Woodward said a trained technician was called out and he simply pressed the same button to free them - and hour and 15 minutes later. - The Telegraph (28/01/2012)

And now for something for all you crafty bloggers out there.

CLEANER KNITS HER CO-WORKERS. Keen knitter Sue Ball has called on her hobby to create 25cm (10in) woollen dolls of garden staff at Paignton Zoo, where she works as a cleaner.

Ms Ball, who has been knitting for 30 years, said: ‘This is the first time I’ve made figures. I saw a pattern for a knitted Father Christmas and I thought it looked like one of my colleagues, so I was inspired.’

Bill Corner clutches a chainsaw next to his woollen miniature (Picture: APEX)

Her attention to detail was so great that some of the figures she has created so far come complete with uniforms, badges and work tools. - Tariq Tahir, The Metro (26/01/2012)

And lastly, my favourite article of the week ......

Now I'm just as annoyed by those dog owners who let their pets foul the pavements and, worse still, children's play areas BUT part of me can't help but wonder if this is a step too far.

NIGHT VISION GOGGLES USED TO SPOT DOGGY DOO. Undercover wardens are using night vision goggles to identify and fine pet owners who allow their dogs to foul in public places.

The sophisticated espionage equipment has been issued to council workers so they can catch dog walkers who believe they can get away with not gathering up their pets’ mess at night. - Murray Wardrop, The Telegraph (29/01/2012)

As always wherever possible I will endeavour to bring you the links to articles I have used in my Media Monday posts but this is not always possible.

NAMING THE FOUR SEASONS AND OTHER IMPORTANT STUFF.

2012-01-28T11:54:00.000Z

The following questions were set in last year’s GED (General Educational Development) tests which, when passed, certify that the taker has American or Canadian high school-level academic skills. These are genuine answers (from 16 year olds)........... and they will breed.

Q. Name the four seasons.
A. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

Q. Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A. Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.

Q. How is dew formed?
A. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

Q. What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on?
A. If you are buying a house they will insist that you are well endowed.

Q. What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty
A. He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.

Q. What is artificial insemination?

A. When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow.

Q. How can you delay milk turning sour?
A. Keep it in the cow.

Thanks for these Urszula.

MY NAUGHTY LITTLE SISTER BOX SET.

2012-01-27T13:33:00.000Z

MY NAUGHTY LITTLE SISTER BOX SET (Comprising My Naughty Little Sister, More Naughty Little Sister Stories, My Naughty Little Sister And Bad Harry, When My Naughty Little Sister Was Good, and, My Naughty Little Sister's Friends) by DOROTHY EDWARDS with illustrations by SHIRLEY HUGHES.

My Naughty Little Sister: My naughty little sister is stubborn and greedy and full of mischief. She tries to cut off the cat's tail and eats all the trifle at Harry''''s party! How much bother can one little sister be?

More Naughty Little Sister Stories: My naughty little sister is always getting in trouble. This time she refuses to have her photo taken and shows off in front of Harry. Will she ever learn to be good?

My Naughty Little Sister and Bad Harry: My naughty little sister and Bad Harry make secret friends with a mouse and find a hiding place for their bread crusts! Whatever next?

When My Naughty Little Sister Was Good: Sometimes my naughty little sister can be good... when she helps Grannie to make a Christmas Pudding and even teaches Bad Harry a lesson or two. Has my little sister given up her naughty ways?

My Naughty Little Sister's Friends: More trouble from my naughty little sister - she goes exploring a chimney and learns how to make sweets. But this time she has more friends to help her make mischief! Will she ever learn to be good?

When My Naughty Little Sister Was Good: Sometimes my naughty little sister can be good... when she helps Grannie to make a Christmas Pudding and even teaches Bad Harry a lesson or two. Has my little sister given up her naughty ways?
...... Outer back covers.

FIRST SENTENCE (My Naughty Little Sister #1, Chapter 1: Going Fishing): A long time ago when I was a little girl, I had a sister who was littler than me.

MEMORABLE MOMENT (My Naughty Little Sister's Friends #5, Page 24): She said "I am not always a good child. But I am being very good this week!"

KEEP THEM OR NOT?: To be kept.

A childhood favourite of mine, I was delighted to receive a set of these books for Christmas. So what of my thoughts so many years later?

Well, I found all five books in the series quite charming BUT I did find My Naughty Little Sister to be more annoying than I had remembered her. OK, so she wasn't always naughty, sometimes just mischievous, and she nearly always saw the error of her ways which I suppose meant she wasn't a total brat but, even so, she was irritating.

First published in the early 1950's I did find the stories quite dated in lots of ways (and I'm not just talking about the use of language or the construction of sentences), the books take you back to a world of hot, buttered toast and frothy milk, to a world where children, in many ways, had much more freedom, to a time when parents won't so suspicious of their neighbours - I've never known any little girl who could count so many grown men as their friends ..... in book one alone there is talk of the milkman, the baker, the coalman, the window cleaner, and the 'shoe mender man' all of whom are friends of My Naughty Little Sister.

Ah how times have changed - and not always for the better.

Still, a great nostalgic read, I would loved to have shared these stories with our two nieces who alas are now, aged 22 and 13, probably too old to truly appreciate them as I did as a child.

TODAY IT'S ALL ABOUT ......... HOPPING VAMPIRES.

2012-01-26T12:38:00.018Z

Following on from Monday which saw the beginning of the Chinese New Year today I bring you the so-called Hopping vampire, the chiang-shih, of Eastern mythology.
Apparently it is a tradition in China that corpses be buried in a standing position, that during the Qing dynasty the dead had their legs bound together making it impossible to walk should they rise from the dead. I only tell you this as it is one theory for the term hopping vampire. Another theory, a more gruesome one, being that as rigor mortis set in, the joints became inflexible and thus hopping became the only option.

Then again, the hopping is also said to result from the fact that, like a magnetic force in which positive and negative poles are brought together, the corpse's life energy does not agree with the life energy of the ground and they are literally pushed away every time they try to stay still.

Also known as gyonshi, geung si or. jiang-shi, the hopping vampire is probably best described as a reanimated corpse that, according to folk lore, has a soul (po) that has not departed the body and is in search of sustenance though unlike the Western vampire it is not generally your blood they are after so much as your chi (life energy).

Often portrayed as in a state of decay, depending on how long they have been dead it is not uncommon for these vampires to be depicted as having greenish-white furred skin with white hair covering their heads.

Hmm, my life energy? So how do I prevent a visit by a hopping vampire, garlic, a cross?

No, neither garlic nor a cross will keep the hopping vampire at bay BUT you could always try .......

A death blessing stuck on the forehead - no, not your forehead, the vampires
Feng-shui mirrors
The urine of a male virgin
Sticky rice
Chicken blood
Holding your breath - believed to be blind, the hopping vampire can find humans by smelling their breath and thus a human remains 'invisible' to the vampire as long as they can hold their breath.

Ok, so presuming I've checked the male is truly a virgin, I've gotten close enough to the vampire to stick a death blessing on its forehead, AND I have some sticky rice as well as some chicken blood does this actually get rid of the vampire?

In a word, no.

To get rid of the vampire you could try the following ........

Employ a priest to act on your behalf
Return the body to its rightful home, ensuring proper ancestral worship
Using Buddhist magic to bind the body to its coffin though magical lines can be drawn on the coffin to much the same effect
Burn the body OR, better still, cause it to explode.

Well, there seems to be several means of joining the Chinese undead, none of which seem to involve being bitten, but might include .........

Being cursed
Buried in the wrong spot
Dying and being buried far from home
A violent end - murder victims and those who committed suicide were considered to be at particular risk of becoming a hopping vampire
A shock to the system which disturbed the yin. The yin being the still point, the anchor for activity, the resting place of regeneration.

All that said, the chiang-shih is a creature that, though it originated in folk lore, is constantly being updated thanks largely to cinema and, to a certain extent, Westernised ideals and traditions. Indeed it is thanks to the popularisation of modern cinema that the term vampire is used at all, that the chiang-shih has seemingly acquired the flesh-eating and blood-drinking qualities that have earned them the name of Chinese zombies or vampires.

Want to read more Chinese folk lore? Go visit Carol for her post on THE LEGEND OF NIAN.

HAPPY ST. DWYNWEN'S DAY......... DWI'N DY GARU DI (I LOVE YOU).

2012-01-25T13:05:00.000Z

Unless you are Welsh (or are watching Channel 5's The Wright Stuff) you probably won't know anything about St. Dwynwen - I know I didn't.

The equivalent of St Valentine, St Dwynwen is the Welsh patron saint of lovers and today (the 25th of January) is her 'day'.

One of Brychan Brycheiniog's (a legendary 5th century king) 24 daughters, and said to be the prettiest, Dwynwen lived during the 5th century.

The story of a love that was never meant to be, having fallen in love with a prince, Dwynen's heart was broken when she found out that alas her father had already arranged for her to marry another, and so .......

Knowing she could not marry the handsome Prince Maelon, Dwynwen begged for God's help. Her prayer being answered when, having fallen asleep, an angel was sent to Dwynwen - an angel who appeared bearing a potion designed to erase all memory of Maelon and turn him into a block of ice.

Not the end of the story though, God then gave three wishes to the distraught Dwynwen.

Her first wish? That Maelon be thawed.

Her second ...... that God meet all the hopes and dreams of all true lovers.

And her third that she should never marry.

So, all three wishes granted, Dwynwen devoted the rest of her life to God's service, founding a convent on Llanddwyn, Anglesey, where a well named after her became a place of pilgrimage after her death, visitors believing that the sacred fish and eels living there could predict if a relationship would be happy.

THE DAUGHTER OF TIME.

2012-01-24T15:26:00.000Z

THE DAUGHTER OF TIME by JOSEPHINE TEY.

Inspector Alan Grant of Scotland Yard, recuperating from a broken leg, becomes fascinated with a contemporary portrait of Richard III that bears no resemblance to the Wicked Uncle of history. Could such a sensitive, noble face actually belong to one of the world's most heinous villains - a venomous hunchback who may have killed his brother's children to make his crown secure? Or could Richard have been the victim, turned into a monster by the usurpers of England's throne? Grant determines to find out once and for all, with the help of the British Museum and an American scholar, what kind of man Richard Plantagenet really was and who killed the Little Princes in the Tower.

..... Outer back cover.

FIRST SENTENCE (Chapter 1): Grant lay on his high white cot and stared at the ceiling.

MEMORABLE MOMENT (Page 102): "Forty million school books can't be wrong," Grant said.

KEEP IT OR NOT?: A reading group book, I won't be buying a copy.

What a brilliant idea - part historical novel, part crime thriller/mystery, and part research project, this is a book that truly combines several genres.

Why then is it not too my liking?

Well, to be totally frank I don't think it worked particularly well on any of these levels. A big fan of historical fiction that involves real life characters, I do like to learn something from my novels and yet didn't do so reading this - oh, there were plenty of theories but ultimately no answers. Then again, perhaps I was expecting too much in expecting an answer as to did he (Richard) or didn't he, perhaps the whole point of the book was to take an alternative look at Richard III in which case it could be argued that the author succeeded

Too analytical for my liking, this reads more like a transcript of a court case than a novel and as such I'm looking forward to reading Alison Weir's The Princes in the Tower which I'm led to believe is a more 'traditional' rendering of the story. Still, a brave effort by Tey, it fascinates me that an author should choose to write a book that sets out to challenge the commonly held belief as taught to many, many school children that Richard III did indeed play a part in the murder of his nephews.

FROM SHOPPING CHICKENS TO ITCHY ANKLES.

2012-01-23T12:13:00.002Z

HAPPY NEW YEAR.

Apologies for a shorter than usual Monday Media.

Not the beginning of a bad joke ...... honest.

WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE STREET if not for a spot of retail therapy?

Shoppers were stunned when a chicken was found wondering round a city centre shopping mall.

Staff called in animal rescuers after the homeless hen was stopped as it tried to pop into a John Lewis store at the mall in Cardiff.

And it has now been found a new home at a farm park, where it has been named Joan Lewis. - The Mirror (18/01/2012)

From chickens to dogs .......

A pet dog that nearly died after eating rat poison was saved thanks to an emergency blood transfusion from a neighbour's dog.
Mo, a four-year-old Staffordshire bull terrier, became ill after eating the poison and, on being rushed to the vets, her owner, Mrs Perry, was told an immediate blood transfusion was needed. As the nearest bank was 200 miles away Mrs Perry's friend Catherine Butler agreed that her Newfoundland, Molly, would donate a pint of blood to Mo who picked up within minutes and was allowed home two days later. - The Telegraph (19/01/2012) View full article HERE in This Is Dorset.

What a send off!

A JCB digger seems a bizarre hearse, but it was exactly the send-off one late JCB driver wanted.

Honouring the unnamed 52-year-old man's last request, his coffin was taken by JCB from his home to Woodvale Crematorium in Brighton. - The Mirror (18/01/2012)

My favourite story of the week ..... The International Forum for the Study of Itch? I couldn't have made it up if I'd tried.

The ankle is the most satisfying place to scratch an itch, scientists have concluded.

In the first study of its kind, volunteers were rubbed with an irritant on their arms, ankles and backs.

Researchers at Liverpool John Moore University scratched each spot and asked how good it felt.

The ankle was itchiest, and scratching felt the best there. The arms were least itchy.

Professor Francis McGlone, a member of the International Forum for the Study of Itch, who led the research said that ankles may have evolved to be more sensitive because they came into contact with insects and germs that could be removed by scratching. - Richard Gray, the Telegraph (22/01/2012) To read more click HERE for The Sun article, the headline of which is Why scratching your ankle is as good as sex.

PS As always wherever possible I will endeavour to bring you the links to articles I have used in my Media Monday posts but this is not always possible.

HOWS THIS FOR DEDICATION?

2012-01-22T13:38:00.000Z

A romantic fiction-lover has taken her obsession with Victorian literature to the extreme - by living her modern life dressed as heroine Charlotte Bronte.

Lyn-Marie Cunliffe, 49, loves 19th century author Charlotte Bronte so much she dresses as the famous author all the time - even while doing her supermarket shopping.

The mum-of-two dresses in the home-made smocks whilst doing the school run - and not bothering to change even when she's out grabbing a burger with the kids.

- The Telegraph (November 2011)

Read full article by clicking HERE.

So, which book character/author would you like to spend your life dressing as?

INTO THE WEST ......... SIMPLY BEAUTIFUL.

2012-01-20T11:26:00.000Z

I know its kind of morbid but Husband dearest and I having no children decided to write our wills some time ago and this kind of led to the discussion of just what we wanted for our funerals - as I said kind of morbid but practical.

Anyway, whilst watching The Lord Of The Rings films I was reminded of just how beautiful this song was and decided to add it to the list of songs I'd like playing ...... not that I'm planning on having it played any time soon you understand.

Annie Lennox - Into the West by barbade

PS The lyrics can be found HERE, simply beautiful, aren't they?

AN EDUCATION INTO ........ TROLLS.

2012-01-19T12:20:00.001Z

There were seven and a hundred Trolls,

They were both ugly and grim,

A visit they would the farmer make,

Both eat and drink with him.

Out then spake the tinyest Troll,
No bigger than an emmet was he,
Hither is come a Christian man,
And manage him will I surelie.

- Excerpt from the Danish Ballad of Eline of Villenskov.

Inspired by Carol's Thursday's Tale:THE CAT ON THE DOVERFELL which featured a troll AND the release of the film TROLL HUNTER on DVD I thought that I'd do a post on ........ yes, you guessed, trolls - known as Huldrefolk in Norway and Vitterfolk in northern Sweden.

Oh and by the way you can find this weeks Thursday's Tales:Tamlane by Joseph Jacobs by clicking HERE.

Not a big fan of these mythological creatures, when asked about them, my first thought would be the ugly yet kind of cute doll that belonged to my mam, the second, the story book, THE THREE BILLY GOATS GRUFF which was amongst the many Ladybird books I read as a child. (Click on the book title to hear the story and/or see the video below, its great fun.)

Anyway, I digress.

Trolls ........ And I'm talking the creatures of Norse mythology here as opposed to the more modern troll who HAUNTS THE INTERNET causing all manner of technological mischief.

Pictured by me as being somewhat large, of below average intelligence, and of grotesque appearance, the troll of my imagination is a solitary individual who resides beneath bridges, feeding off any goat (be it large, medium or small) OR Christian who happens to pass by. But what of the 'reality'?

Having achieved international cult status both through literature and, more recently, role-playing games the troll is of Scandinavian origin and in Norse mythology the word signifies an 'uncanny' being.

Seemingly of two distinct types, the first being the troll of my imagination and fairy tales and the second, a different race altogether ..... they are said to be of human appearance though often with a tail hidden in their clothes, and are social beings who live together, farming animals, cooking and baking.

They live together? Underneath bridges, right?

Once again it seems to depend largely on what type of troll you are talking about. Some it is believed were forest dwellers - if you were in a forest and smelt cooking, you knew a troll was close at hand - whilst others dwelt in underground caves well hidden beneath large boulders in the mountains. AND in some accounts they lived in a far off land known as Trollebotten.

So what of the behaviour of the troll?

Generally accepted as being not particularly pleasant characters, though most self-respecting trolls kept themselves to themselves, it is not unknown for them, as great thieves, to sneak into human houses during feasts, stealing from plates. Also known to abduct people in order to enslave them, the greatest risk was to women who had recently given birth but not yet been 'churched' (a Christian tradition in which a blessing is given to new mothers after recovery from childbirth) the troll was also capable of spiriting individuals away.

Any protection, any way of warding off the advances of a troll?

Well, it is said they fear steel, and, as they are always, without exception, heathens (ah, so that could be where I get my belief they ate Christians), you could try uttering 'Jesus' or 'Christ' OR as some fairy tales have trolls turning into stone when exposed to sunlight you could always hope for a sunny day.

PS Want to read more about trolls? I visited several sites including MONSTROPEDIA.

BEYOND THE SPIDERWICK CHRONICLES: A GIANT PROBLEM.

2012-01-18T12:47:00.000Z

BEYOND THE SPIDERWICK CHRONICLES: A GIANT PROBLEM by TONY DiTERLIZZI and HOLLY BLACK.

Talk about out of the frying pan, into the fire!

I was pretty sure that my freaky stepsister and that freaky field guide of hers would ruin my life. But now it looks like they're going to ruin all of Florida too! Okay, maybe that's not fair. Maybe all these stupid giants would be waking up anyway, but if it wasn't for her and that book, I'd be at home playing video games and this would be someone else's giant problem.
...... Outer back cover.

FIRST SENTENCE (Chapter 1): Nicholas Vargas had never been all that good at sports.

MEMORABLE MOMENT (Page 98): "He's been getting you pulled into his stories, hasn't he? Got you stabbing rocks and hills, telling you they're giants. I remember how magical it all seemed. Like we were heroes. You feel something like that?"

KEEP IT OR NOT?: A library book, I have no intention of buying a copy.

Beyond the Spiderwick Chronicles ........ perfect for the with a 'creepy-crawly' in the title category of this years WHAT'S IN A NAME Reading Challenge.

To tell you a little more about the book .......

This is the tale of Noseemum Jack, an elderly, now blind destroyer of giants, who along with Nick, his brother, Jules, their stepsister, Laurie, and Jules' girlfriend, Cindy set out to find and destroy the giants that are about to wake up and cause mass devastation.

Not just about giants though, the story also tells of the part several other mythological creatures have to play and quite frankly it is their part that I found far more interesting.

Intended for those aged 7+ I chose to read this for two reasons, one being the title and the other being that I quite enjoyed the 2008 film based on the original Spiderwick books.

A quick read (it took me just over an hour to read) I have to admit that I didn't really enjoy the story though I found the illustrations wonderful.

Not a story that reads at all well as a stand-alone, this obviously follows on from the previous books, not too mention the several 'guide'/note books that seem to accompany the series, and as such I felt that I was missing out on a lot of the background information and experiences of the characters which greatly marred my enjoyment.

To give the author credit though, his last sentence really caused me to hold my breath and almost (for a split second) had me wanting to read the next book.

INNOCENT TRAITOR.

2012-01-17T11:07:00.000Z

INNOCENT TRAITOR by ALISON WEIR.

Lady Jane Grey was born into times of extreme danger. Child of a scheming father and a ruthless mother, for whom she was merely a pawn in a dynastic power game with the highest stakes, she lived a life in thrall to political machinations and lethal fervour.

Jane's astonishing and essentially tragic story was played out during one of the most momentous periods of English history.

As a great-niece of Henry VIII, and the cousin of Edward VI, Mary I and Elizabeth I, she grew up to realise that she could never throw off the chains of her destiny. Her honesty, intelligence and strength of character carry the reader through all the vicious twists of Tudor power politics, to her nine-day reign and its unbearably poignant conclusion.
....... Outer back cover.

FIRST SENTENCE (Prologue): It is over.

MEMORABLE MOMENT (Page 149): "Shall we say five hundred pounds as a down-payment, five hundred on Jane's betrothal, and the rest on her marriage?"
"Done," says Dorset, as if he were closing on a land deal rather than what effectively amounts to the sale of his daughter.

KEEP IT OR NOT?: Without a doubt I'll be keeping this.

A big fan of Philippa Gregory's historical novels I never thought I'd find an author I'd like as much - in Alison Weir I think I may well have done so though it has to be said I didn't particularly like the layout of this her first non-fiction book.

Told from the perspective of several different people, nearly all of them women, the story is narrated by the Lady/Queen Jane (Grey) who reigned for all of nine days, her household and those closest to the then royal household, and takes place in the years from October 1537 up until February 1554.

To be honest, though this was a riveting, in many ways, frightening story, I didn't really learn a lot from it having read several other novels set at this period in history (Philippa Gregory's included) BUT it was interesting to read the events from the viewpoint of so many different characters and, as always, I couldn't fail but to be shocked by how the destiny of an individual (in this case Mary's) was shaped by the politics and the power struggles of that time. How no matter how intelligent, outwardly confident and, in some cases, scheming and hungry for power (I'm thinking of Jane's mother, Frances, here) a woman was she was ultimately in the hands of some man or other.

Great reading for all fans of the historical novel and especially those with an interest in the Tudors, though many of you will know the sad outcome of the story, you may well find the ending harrowing and yourself in need of a fistful of tissues - I know I did.

A DOUBLE DOSE OF MONDAY MEDIA 2012.

2012-01-16T14:19:00.000Z

At last, just when I was beginning to think there was nothing weird or wonderful or just plain silly happening along comes this article about an incompetent would-be bank robber.

ROBBER GIVES CASHIER GUN. A robber accidentally gave his gun to a cashier while meaning to hand over his swag bag.

The thief raided the Halifax bank in Cheapside in the City of London and demanded £700,000 in cash from the bank worker.

But after making his demands, the crook - who was wearing shades and a flat cap - handed over his gun to the cashier instead of a bag.

The male cashier froze as the crook realised his mistake and made a grab for his gun before running off as the security shutters came down.

Bank staff immediately raised the alarm, but the thief escaped after stealing a bank worker's bike and pedalling off.

(But do you know what made me really laugh was ........ ) A police source said: "This man is not the sharpest tool in the box. - The Telegraph (05/01/2012)

And here's another one ........

THIEF CAPTURED AFTER TRIPPING OVER HIS JEANS. A burglar attempting to run away from police felt the long arm of the law when his low-slung jeans (Grief, how I dislike this fashion trend) made him trip over.

John O’Dell had been stopped by police in Haringey, north London on Sunday afternoon.

The 41-year-old (Surely too old to be wearing his trousers in this way) was said to have suddenly tried to run from police but his low-slung trousers fell down.

He was promptly caught and arrested, a court heard. - The Metro (13/01/2012)

And another one ......

THIEVES DIG TUNNEL TO ROB CASH MACHINE. Thieves spent "months" digging an 100 foot long tunnel beneath a car park and video shop in an elaborate robbery on a cash machine but got away with just a few thousand pounds.
Detectives believe the gang may have spent up to six months digging the passageway, which extended from a railway embankment, under a car park and beneath a shop where the cash machine was located.

The tunnel, which was around 100 feet in length and 4 feet tall, had been fitted with lighting and roof supports.

In a heist similar to that seen in films such as the Bank Job, where thieves tunnel beneath a bank to get to a vault, the gang had to cut through more than 15 inches of concrete to reach the cash machine.

The police refused to reveal how much money had been taken, but said the gang only got away with "limited funds". The cash machine can hold up to £20,000 but it is believed the gang got away with just £6,000. - Richard Gray, The Telegraph (15/01/2012) The funniest thing about this being our Nephew who commented "only £6000 for six months of hard work? Why didn't they just get a job?"

I wonder if they have kissed and made up yet.

MAN CALLED 999 ASKING FOR HELP TO GET HIS WEDDING RING OFF ...... so that he could throw it at his wife.

Just one of the many stupid reasons people called the emergency services over the holiday period, others included .........

A man needing his toilet unblocked.
A woman with a cotton bud stuck in her ear.
A man who had had an itchy eye for three weeks. - Euan Stretch, The Mirror (06/01/2012)

Literally just down the road from where we live ........

NEWCASTLE PUB TO SELL BEER ..... TO DOGS. Cat-flavoured Sunday roast and meat-flavoured beer... now man's best friend can join him for a hair of the dog down at their local pub.

The Brandling Villa in South Gosforth, Newcastle, is selling a special beer designed for dogs so that drinkers’ four-legged friends can enjoy a cheeky pint at the same time.
And if their drinking makes them peckish, the pub has created a special canine menu with dog versions of human favourites, including a Sunday roast served with cat-flavoured gravy. - Richard Fletcher, The Sunday Sun (08/01/2012)

Talk about a bird with a fowl mouth (fowl/foul, get it?)

MR T TOLD TO WATCH HIS LANGUAGE. A swearing rescue parrot called Mr T is to be rehabilitated so he can help teach in schools and universities.

The green-winged macaw was rescued from a private home where he lived for seven years and was taught a number of rude words. - Alex Pielak, The Metro (09/01/2012)

Beer drinking pooches, swearing parrots ...... whatever next?

WOMAN MOVES HER HORSE INTO HER HOME. An eccentric animal-lover has infuriated her neighbours by moving a pony into her semi-detached home.

Stephanie Noble said Grey Lady Too, a Connemara pony, was "dumped" on the lawn at her former council house in the Western Isles on Christmas Eve.

After a sleepless night, she spent Christmas Day moving furniture to make space for the animal in her home.

The pensioner has since had the ceiling braced, added a gate to contain the pony and turned her adjoining kitchen, otherwise well stocked with herbs and spices, into a grain store.

The 15ft by 12ft lounge has an 8.5ft by 9ft area for the pony, with dining room chairs holding its fodder, and a view to the main road from a window. - Auslan Cramb, The Telegraph (11/01/2012)

The latest in motoring fashion, alas neither of us drives.

EYE LASHES FOR YOUR CAR. The latest way to zhoosh up your motor is unexpectedly flirtatious – lashes for your headlamps. - Sam Wollaston, The Guardian (08/01/2012). For full article click on the article headline OR to visit Lashes4Cars click HERE.

The bare cheek of it!

NO TROUSERS TUBE RIDE. Cheeky commuters left tube passengers stunned last on the 8th of January as they stripped off their trousers for an international practical joke.

Hundreds of semi-naked people flocked to the London Underground for the annual No Trousers Tube Ride

The stunt was part of the larger No Pants Day over seas, where subways and metro lines around the world were taken over by bare-legged crowds. - The Mirror (09/01/2012)

PS As always wherever possible I will endeavour to bring you the links to articles I have used in my Media Monday posts but this is not always possible.

IT TURNS OUT ........

2012-01-15T12:46:00.000Z

........ I write like

Kurt Vonnegut

1922 - 2007.

I seem to remember visiting this site before but on seeing it on Healthier And Wealthier's post, 'WHO DO YOU WRITE LIKE?' I just knew I had to visit the I WRITE LIKE site to find out, well, who I wrote like.

So, putting .......

"HER MOUTH'S ALWAYS IN GEAR, THOUGH HER BRAIN MAY BE IN NEUTRAL" Being largely confined to the house, and encouraged by Hubby, I've decided to give this blogging thing a go. Though mainly based around my love of books and silly jokes, there will, no doubt , be one or two other things thrown in as the fancy takes me so why not join me on my journey? You are all more than welcome, after all 'the more, the merrier."

in the random generator, I was told the author I wrote like was ..........

Any guesses?

No?

Well, it turns out I write like KURT VONNEGUT, a writer apparently well known for his blend of satire, gallows humour and science fiction, who it seems wrote, amongst other things,

CAT'S CRADLE which Amazon informs me is told with deadpan humour and bitter irony and .......
SLAUGHTERHOUSE-FIVE.

Hmm, not too bad a comparison, I certainly feel my posts are not without gallows humour, not sure about bitter irony though.

So come on, do tell, who do you write like?

GRANDMA AND GRANDPA.

2012-01-14T11:59:00.001Z

Grandma was driving down the motorway at 90mph while knitting at the same time.

A police car drew up next to her and the officer shouted: "Pull over."

Grandma slides down her window and shouts back to the policeman: "No, they're socks."

Grandpa died after drowning in a bowl of fruit-cake mix.

Well, there were some pretty strong currants under the surface.

IT'S OFFICIAL, THIS IS MY FIRST RANT OF 2012.

2012-01-13T15:06:00.001Z

Well, I bet that's put a few of you off stopping by but visitors or not I just have to get this off my chest.

I confess that as much as I hate the whole culture of celebrity ..... and here's why (or at least one reason why).........

Way back when I was a girl when asked what we wanted to be when we grew up the answer was very often (for us girls at least) a nurse or a vet or a teacher or, perhaps most glamorous of all, an air hostess. How unlike today when so many of our young people seem to want to be famous for, well, being famous.

Which brings me back to today's celebrity culture.

Despite part of me loathing myself for it, I admit that in previous years I've getting well and truly drawn into Celebrity Big Brother (CBB) which for those of you who don't know is a game show in which a group of contestants known as housemates live in in isolation in a house which films their every move but I digress ........

My problem with this years CBB is the contestants, the so-called celebrities who number

2 soap stars
A Hollywood 'star'
A rugby player
A self proclaimed all-round entertainer *
A pop singer
No less than 4 glamour models
A young man made 'famous' by being asked to leave another reality show after it turned out he had a drug habit and, aged, not yet 17, claimed to have slept with more than 90 woman, having 7 of their names tattooed on to his bottom ..... classy, eh?
Another young man who is best known (make that only known) as, and I quote ........ a womanising rich boy who 'starred' in yet another reality show
A woman whose only real claim to fame is her having had an eight year affair with her husbands brother who just so happens to be a professional football player

..... (Click HERE to see just who is who)

OK, I'll give you that the Hollywood star could be classed as a celebrity as could the soap stars, the rugby player, the pop singer and the 'all round singer-come dancer-come actor, as after all, believe it or not, it is generally accepted that they have a talent (even if, as in the case of the singer/dancer/actor, it seems to be the ability to do the splits and generally be annoying).

Not so the glamour girls who basically make their money being photographed wearing very little if not less, the man (and I use the term loosely, very loosely) who admits he's famous for his outrageous behaviour nor the rich womaniser and, certainly not, the woman having an affair with her brother-in-law.

Now I know this isn't a show aimed at youngsters but, like it or not, some do watch and what kind of a message is this sending? Yes, whoopee! its great to earn your money taking your clothes off for a living, and what better way to make your self known than to sleep with someone already in the public eye such as a famous football player?

Oh I don't know perhaps its just me becoming old and grumpy/grumpier but what really puzzles me is when did we start celebrating those individuals famous for these (and similar) activities and these activities alone as opposed to/alongside those with a genuine, recognisable talent?

What says you?

* NB. Having sat in my draft box for a week now, I always give myself a cooling-off period before I publish my rants, I'm led to believe that the all-round entertainer was evicted from the house this Wednesday.

AN EDUCATION INTO ............. THE LESHY.

2012-01-12T12:35:00.001Z

Up until now my folklore posts have consisted of mythological creatures that I know something of, today I thought I'd explore one totally unknown to myself, today I thought I'd find out about the Leshy, the Leshachikha/Leszachka (wives of the Leshy), and the Leshonky (children of the Leshy). Easier said than done, this creature remains somewhat mystical in that none of the sites I visited seemed to agree on just what the Leshy looked like or his 'personality' though most agreed that he is .......

A male woodland spirit in Slavic mythology, a protector of forests and the creatures that live therein.

Often heard laughing, whistling or singing, the Leshy is seldom seen and not always recognised. In human form he is often seen as a peasant though with glowing eyes and 'backward' facing shoes. Whilst at other times he is seen as a tall man with a beard and hair made of grasses, is of pale skin, has the brightest of green eyes, has a tail, hooves and horns, and, it is said, is able to change in size from the smallest blade of grass to the tallest of trees depending on where he is. Oh, and he has a pointy head, is missing his right ear and is without hat or belt. OR is he blue of skin with green hair and a long beard across his face? Then again he may appear as a giant, talking mushroom.

Of good humour, he enjoys playing jokes on people, getting enjoyment out of confusing them by magically altering paths and making trees seem to move. Also a teacher of magic to those who befriend him, be warned though he can be dangerous when angry and has been known to tickle people to death.

Sounds like a harmless enough character, right?

Not according THE WITCHER WIKI.COM who claim that in reality the Leshy is in fact a dangerous creature who hunts both woodland creatures and lone travellers. A cross between a wildcat and a bear with mighty fangs and sharp claws, the Leshy moves amongst the tree branches from which it quickly jumps to reach its prey, devouring it whole. Agreeing that it is able to shapeshift into human form, The Witcher Wiki describe the Leshy in his man form as looking old and harmless.

Whoa there, 'had your horses' as my nana would say, you mentioned tickling to death, there's nothing harmless about that.

More mischievous than anything else, the Leshy simply love a good prank such as imitating the voices of people familiar to the lone wanderer and luring them back to their caves where they are, well, playfully tickled ..... to death. Then, of course, there's the kidnapping of young woman - all good fun really.

Not wishing to hang around to see if the Leshy wants to teach you magic, tickle you to death or devour you whole, on encountering one you must turn your clothes inside out and put them on backwards, place your shoes on the opposite feet and, in the worse case scenario (and hoping you haven't been eaten/tickled to death by the time you've done this), set the forest ablaze and RUN, all the while hoping that the Leshy isn't fancying you barbecued but will be so concerned with putting the fire out that he will forget all about you.

IT COULD ONLY HAPPEN TO ME.

2012-01-11T10:36:00.001Z

I've only just realised that I didn't share with you the three pre-Christmas mishaps that had my family and (regular) friends laughing ..... OK, so to be fair some did express concern but mostly they laughed.

The first occurring thus ..........

(Picture the scene if you will) It was a blustery day, not gale force by any means but enough to see autumnal leaves being swept from the trees and rubbish bins blown down the street, when our heroine (that's moi) returned from her reading group on her trusty steed, Madge (that's my electric wheelchair).

Approaching the ~~drawbridge~~ driveway, our heroine unlocks the ~~stable~~ garage door and enters only for a gust of wind to catch the said door slamming it shut. (Cue music that indicates peril.)

Oh dear, what to do? For though the door does open from the inside, alas our heroine is both too short and not strong enough to open it ...... and besides which if she were able this would be the end of a very short story.

And so she waits and waits until ........

(Picture light bulb appearing over our heroines head) she has an idea.

Why of course she will phone around and see if Husband dearest/any one of their friends may be in the area and thus able to rescue her.

But as she was to find out that day, there was no signal available in the garage - drat.

Oh dear, what to do now?

Yeah, there was nothing else for it, our heroine began to frantically bang on the garage (whoops! stable) door, shouting (as you do in such circumstances) "Hello, is anyone there?"

The answer being .... it would seem not.

Until (cue music indicating a rescue in progress) thank goodness, a mere 40 minutes later, an elderly knight in ~~shining armour~~ a Santa hat hears our maidens calls of distress and is able to free her, freezing cold but otherwise none the worse for her ordeal. Aahhh, my hero.

And so on to a brief mention of my other two mishaps - the first of which involved me falling UP the stairs (yes, that's right, I fell up the stairs) breaking a lamp and one of my toes in the process - my toe I wasn't too bothered about (after all I had broken it before and besides which I have nine others), the breaking of the lamp however did upset me.

And the second event?

Welllll, that involved both another blustery day and a door - a car door instead of a garage door this time, I hasten to add.

On returning from having my hair cut, I got out of the taxi only for a gust of wind to catch the said door slamming it shut (this is beginning to sound awfully familiar isn't it?)

The result being a trip to hospital where it was discovered that the door had chipped a bone in my wrist - ouch, not good news as though I wasn't put in plaster, my wrist was strapped up and I was ordered not to do anything that might put any undue pressure on it, no, not good and especially not when you need to use elbow crutches to get around.

Now I know that you are probably thinking this is no laughing matter, that family/friends laughing was rather cruel but believe me when you are as accident prone as I am you learn to see the funny side of these things, to accept that these things could only happen to you.

Not all bad though, the year did end well when .........

I received this award from The Golden Eagle

AND

Won these thanks to I Am Jenai.

AUGUST HEAT.

2012-01-10T11:56:00.000Z

As suspected I was too weak and found myself giving into THE TEMPTATION that is The What's In A Name 5 Reading Challenge and so give you my first read which fits perfectly into 'A book with a something you'd find on a calendar in the title' category.........

AUGUST HEAT by ANDREA CAMILLERI.

In the lazy, slow month of August, Inspector Montalbano and his girlfriend, Livia, prepare for a relaxing holiday in a villa he has found for them. It is, he assures, her far too hot for anything exciting to happen. But when Livia's friends' young son goes missing, a series of events is sparked which will certainly ruin the Chief Inspector's pleasant interlude.

A secret apartment and a grisly find in an old trunk are just the beginning: Montalbano must navigate his way though the case as well as coping with the sweltering heat, the suspicious death of an Arab labourer and the tempting lure of a beautiful girl.....
...... Outer back cover.

OPENING SENTENCE (Chapter 1): He was sleeping so soundly that not even cannon-fire could have woken him.

MEMORABLE MOMENT (Page 123): "Fazio, I didn't say we did anything wrong. I said I didn't like it."
"You mean the way we treated Filiberto?"
"Yes"
"But Chief, he's a criminal!"
"And we're not?"

KEEP IT OR NOT?: A readers group read, I have no intention of buying a copy.

Oh dear, not a good start to the new year reading wise, my first book wasn't particularly to my liking and this one was even less so.

The 10th in a series of books, none of which I have read before, I don't know if its because this just wasn't my cup of tea OR if this was just a one-off that wasn't a true representation of the authors usual high standard of writing OR if it was an indication that the series was perhaps becoming a little tired - either way I didn't enjoy the novel and would certainly question whether or not it worked as a mystery come crime novel.

Not only was there a weak plot, but the dialogue tended to be repetitive (if the heat was mentioned once it was mentioned a hundred times) ....... And as if this wasn't bad enough I found the characters ludicrously stereotypical - Montalbano being an none too faithful Italian who when dealing with women (especially a certain beautiful twin) often seemed to think with, err, how can I put this politely? an organ other than his brain - if you get my meaning. Then, of course, there were the beautiful, sexy twins who were able to feel exactly what their sibling was feeling despite not even being in the same vicinity, dodgy builders (most of them foreigners), and corrupt cops, oh and a real brat of a child - not a single one of them was even vaguely likable.

No, most certainly not my cup of tea at all though it has to be said that I do know that both this author as well as his Inspector Montalbano creation are widely loved and acclaimed as great reading.

ODE TO JOSIE.

2012-01-09T14:41:00.000Z

Apologies that there is no Monday Media today. I hope this joke will at least go some way to making you laugh.

Having lost his cat, a man asks a passerby "I'm looking for my cat with one eye, have you seen him?"

"No," replies the passerby, "but wouldn't you be better searching for him using both eyes?"

PS Wondering who Josie is? She was one of my (naughty) little sister's cats who was born, yes, you guessed it, with only one eye.

THE CASEBOOK OF VICTOR FRANKENSTEIN.

2012-01-08T12:05:00.000Z

THE CASEBOOK OF VICTOR FRANKENSTEIN by PETER ACKROYD.

Victor Frankenstein begins his anatomy experiments in a barn in the secluded village of Headington, near Oxford.

The coroner's office provides the corpses he needs - but they have often died by violent means and are damaged and putrefying. So he moves his coils and jars of electrical fluids to a deserted poetry manufactury in Limehouse. And from Limehouse, makes contact with the Doomsday Men - the ressurectionists.

Victor pays better than any hospital for the bodies of the very recently dead. Even so, perfect specimens are hard to come by .... until that Thames-side dawn when Victor, waiting, wrapped in his greatcoat on his wooden jetty, hears the splashing of oars and sees in the half-light that slung into the stern of the approaching boat is a corpse of a handsome young man, one hand trailing in the water.
....... Outer back cover.

FIRST SENTENCE (Chapter 1): I was born in the Alpine region of Switzerland, my father owning much territory between Geneva and the village of Chamonix where my family resided.

MEMORABLE MOMENT (Page 71): Once the principle of life had left them they became vacant rooms, more devoid of animation than any waxwork or mannequin. You could imagine a waxwork to be capable of breath and movement, but no act of sympathetic imagination could grant these cold limbs life.

KEEP IT OR NOT?: Bought for me as a Christmas gift I feel I should keep this.

Yeah, my first read of 2012 - shame it was such a disappointment.

To be honest with you if it wasn't for my stubborn streak that dictates that once started a book must be finished I would never have read beyond the first 50 or so pages.

A bit of a hit and miss affair throughout, the author I felt did not bring anything new to the original Frankenstein story written by Mary Shelley but instead seemed to piece together bits of just about every adaptation there was.

That said, it was great fun that Ackroyd chose to combine fictional characters with real life historical people including Mary Shelley herself, poet, Percy Shelley and Lord Byron.

It's the ending though that has me in a quandary as I can't quite decide if it was a touch of genius or the ultimate disappointment. In danger of including a spoiler here I'll say no more except ..........

For much of the book my mind kept wandering, wondering just where the story was going, just how it would end. Totally unexpectedly I can tell you, it did provide much food for thought about the nature of man though.

ANOTHER BOOKALIKE POST.

2012-01-07T17:01:00.000Z

FAREWELL TO THE SOLSTICE.

2012-01-06T12:15:00.000Z

Along with MY REVIEW of The Winter Solstice (The Sacred Traditions Of Christmas) by John Matthews and the subsequent posting of THE JOLLY OLD HAWK, I simply had to post this farewell to the solstice.

Noel is leaving us,

Sad to say,

But he will come again,

Adieu Noel.

His wife and his children

Weep as they go;

On a grey horse

They ride through the snow.

The kings ride away

In the snow and the rain;

But after twelve months,

We shall see them again.

- From an old French Epiphany carol.

A CHRISTMAS SPIRIT WRAP ........ OH, AND A FILM REVIEW.

2012-01-05T11:46:00.001Z

Having been determined to carry on with my self imposed book buying ban (grief, what a mouthful that is) I promised myself that I was only going to read festive books that were already on our shelves, books that were available at the library OR books that I'd bought at a charity shop ......... Eh? Surely that defeats the purpose of a self imposed book buying ban. No, not really. I tell myself that I'm not buying these books so much as making a donation to charity in exchange for a book - at least that's my excuse and I'm sticking to it.

Anyway with seasonal books being fairly rare in our library and none to be found in any of the charity shops I didn't do as well with this challenge as I had hoped though, that said, I still managed to read 4 books (Mistletoe level) plus 1 'children's' book (Visions of Sugar Plums level).

So just what did I read?

THE XMAS FILES (A PHILOSOPHY OF XMAS) by Stephen Law.
THE WINTER SOLSTICE (THE SACRED TRADITIONS OF CHRISTMAS) by John Matthews.
THE STUPIDEST ANGEL (A HEARTWARMING TALE OF CHRISTMAS TERROR) by Christopher Moore.
POLITICALLY CORRECT HOLIDAY STORIES by James Finn Garner.
LETTERS FROM FATHER CHRISTMAS by J.R.R. Tolkien. *

Oh, and then of course there was the seasonal Fa La La La Films that I watched as another part of the challenge. (Fa La La La being another level)

Too many to be reviewed (but suffice to say they included Elf, and, A Muppet's Christmas Carol), one however I will mention as it is positively one of the most bizarre 'Santa' films I have ever seen.

In Finnish with English subtitles this little gem was released here last year, but, in the cinemas for only a short time (two weeks here in Newcastle), blink and you'd missed it - hence our having to wait until it was released on DVD.

Rare Exports is a fairly short film (less than 90 minutes) and is hardly what you could call a family film, in fact its about as far away from the traditional Santa films as you can get.

Set in a remote Finnish village, it's Christmas Eve and deep within the Korvatunturi mountains Santa Claus (but probably not as you know him) is unearthed during an archaeological dig and soon afterwards children (along with electrical appliances) start disappearing.

And so it is up to Pietari Kontio and his father, Rauno, (along with their fellow reindeer herders) to save the day and sell Santa back to the corporation who dug him up.

Dark and full of suspense, Rare Exports is a fun, yet scary, film, the basis of which is that {rather than rewarding good children, Santa punishes the naughty ones} - spoiler in brackets, highlight if you wish to read it.

But its not so much Santa that had me hiding behind the cushions as his elves who, determined to free their leader, will go to any lengths.

A great little film, particularly ideal for anyone who is sick of festive movies with scenes of sickly candy canes, red suited Santas and overgrown elves, I highly recommend this as an alternative Christmas movie.

PS * All of my reviews can be seen by clicking on the book title apart from The Winter Solstice which can be found on the same post as The Xmas Files. AND for those of you wanting a sneaky peek of Rare Exports click HERE.

MANNERS PLEASE.

2012-01-04T11:19:00.000Z

"Manners maketh man."

- William of Wykeham, Chancellor of England, Bishop of Winchester and founder of New College, Oxford, and Winchester College.

In a recent interview, Michelle Dockery, who plays Lady Mary in DownTon Abbey, bemoaned the lost art of chivalry commenting.......

“Those old manners – such as men standing when women arrive at the dinner table or opening doors for you – are lovely,” she said. “But young men wouldn’t think about that for a second because it’s not the culture any more.”

Or is it just that with the advent of the so-called Girl Power a whole generation of women have grown up thinking men are treating them as the weaker sex who are unable to open a door for themselves? Its either that OR a whole generation of men have grown up never for one moment even considering that a woman might actually enjoy having a door held open for her?

Hmm, I wonder.

Anyway in a Telegraph article journalist Iain Hollingshead offers this somewhat tongue-in-cheek do and don't guide to chivalry for the confused and fallible 21st-century male - click HERE to view in full.

ON THE COMMUTER TRAIN

Do ......
 Offer a pregnant woman your seat
 Check that the “pregnant” woman isn’t just a bit fat
 Check again
 Try to remain calm when you’re slapped in the face by an outraged fat woman

Don’t ......
 Put your armpit in a short woman’s face
 Hit anyone with your man bag, unless they’re a tourist
 Get on the Underground without letting people off first, unless it’s rush hour on the Northern Line, in which case it’s every man and (pregnant) woman for themselves

Do ......
 Offer to carry a woman’s bag if it looks heavy

Don’t ......
 Be too offended when she calls the police.

IN THE OFFICE

Do ......
 Congratulate a female colleague on her forthcoming marriage

Don’t ......
 Ask her when she’s going to have children – and whether this means you can take her job

Do ......
 Include your female colleagues when you visit a strip club with clients

Don’t ......
 Be surprised when they sue your firm for £10.4 million for sexual harassment

Do ......
 Take your statutory paternity leave

Don’t ......
 Tell your male colleagues how much you enjoyed it

Do ......
 Be encouraging to the girl on work experience

Don’t ......
 Show her round the stationery cupboard

ON A FIRST DATE

Do ......
 Offer to pay
 Repeat your offer when she counter-offers to “go Dutch”
 Give in gracefully when she insists for a second time

Don’t ......
 Suggest you should go Dutch straight away
 Point out that she had a more expensive starter than you and should
 pay accordingly
 Invoice her after the third date when she refuses a fourth

AT THE SHOPS

Do ......
 Hold a door open for a woman
 Hold a door open for a man

Don’t ......
 Get too upset when no one says thank you

IN THE NIGHTCLUB

Do ......
 Ask a girl to dance
 Dance well
 Try to kiss her

Don’t ......
 Lunge unsuccessfully more than once
 Dance too well

WHILE PROPOSING

Do ......
 Ask her before she asks you
 Ask her before she asks you to ask her
 Ask her father for permission unless she would definitely like you not to ask her father, but you can’t ask her to find out – you should just know
 Go down on one knee, unless she’d rather you didn’t
 Have a perfect ring, unless she’d rather choose it together
 Make it more romantic, more memorable and more impressive than all her friends’ proposals put together

Don’t .....
 Forget a single one of the dos

AT THE WEDDING

Do ......
 Say how nice the bride looks

Don’t ......
 Point out how much money they could have saved if she had only worn that nice dress she already had in her wardrobe

AT THE DINNER PARTY

Do ......
 Stand up when a woman comes into the room

Don’t ......
 Stand up if the room they’ve walked into is the lavatory

Do ......
 Flirt gently with your hostess

Don’t ......
 Ask her to leave the room after pudding so the men can talk business

Do ......
 Offer to drive your wife home

Don’t ......
 Put your keys in the bowl in the middle of the table first

IN THE PUB

Do ......
 Stand your round
 Pretend you’re interested in football

Don’t ......
 Order shandy

IN THE HOME

Do ......
 Take out the rubbish
 Put up shelves
 Deal with spiders
 Cook
 Learn how to change nappies

Don’t ......
 Complain
 Suggest that maternity leave is just a paid holiday

Do ......
 Fend off burglars

Don’t ......
 Kill them

IN THE BATHROOM

Do ......
 Use moisturiser

Don’t ......
 Tell anyone about it

ON THE MIXED DOUBLES TENNIS COURT

Do ......
 Pretend you’re trying your hardest

Don’t ......
 Slam a smash into your friend’s wife’s face

IN THE DELIVERY ROOM

Do ......
 Turn up
 Hold your wife’s hand
 Be sober

Don’t ......
 Be upset that when in the throes of labour pains your wife draws blood with her nails and calls you a ******* ****

IN THE RESTAURANT

Do ......
 Pretend you know something about wine when the sniffy maitre d’ thrusts a menu at you

Don’t ......
 Automatically choose the second cheapest

Do ......
 Sniff, swill and taste without giggling

Don’t ......
 Send the screw-top white back because it’s corked

ON THE SOFA

Do ......
 Pretend that you’re just as interested in Downton Abbey as Top Gear, Ultimate Force and Scrapheap Challenge

Don’t ......
 Take too seriously the views of an actress asked about modern manners

OR, might I suggest, a journalists article on chivalry for the confused and fallible 21st-century male.

LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION.

2012-01-03T13:45:00.001Z

BOOKS, BOOKS, and yet more BOOKS, that's the only minus thing about blogging about books.

Yes, you know exactly what I'm talking about all of you who have ever ..........

Posted about the book(s) you have read/are reading/intend to read.

Posted about book(s) just published/yet to be published.

Posted about a Book Challenge.

Posted about the latest book to find its way into your mail box.

And/Or (perhaps worst of all) recommended a book.

People like Kelly who mentioned .....

which is being hosted by Beth Fish Reads ...... click HERE for more details and to sign up.

Running from between the 1st of January and the 31st of December, this years categories are ........

1.A book with a topographical feature (land formation) in the title: Black Hills, Purgatory Ridge, Emily of Deep Valley

2.A book with something you'd see in the sky in the title: Moon Called, Seeing Stars, Cloud Atlas

3.A book with a creepy crawly in the title: Little Bee, Spider Bones, The Witches of Worm

4.A book with a type of house in the title: The Glass Castle, The Girl Who Kicked the Hornet's Nest, Ape House

5.A book with something you'd carry in your pocket, purse, or backpack in the title: Sarah's Key, The Scarlet Letter, Devlin Diary

6.A book with a something you'd find on a calendar in the title: Day of the Jackal, Elegy for April, Freaky Friday, Year of Magical Thinking

which got me thinking, only thinking mind, I haven't signed up ..... yet, as to which books I might use given that I'm also going to follow KELLY'S EXAMPLE and only use books that are already on my shelves or are library books or are bought as gifts and so here are my initial thoughts .......

Topographical feature: Valley Of Bones by Michael Gruber.
Something you'd see in the sky: Thirteen Moons by Charlie Frazier.
Creepy crawly: ????????
Type of house: Wolf Hall by Hilary Mantel.
Carried in your pocket/purse/backpack: Through The Looking Glass by Lewis Carroll.
Calender: Dry Season by Dan Smith OR August Heat by Andrea Camilleri.

THE 1ST MEDIA MONDAY POST OF 2012........

2012-01-02T14:12:00.000Z

........ Even though all of the stories are articles from the last week of 2011.

Hate your name? How about this ..........

WOMAN RENAMES HERSELF PINK SPARKLY AND ALL THINGS NICE. Beauty therapist Charlotte Price has changed her name to Pink Sparkly And All Things Nice in a bid to promote her business.

The Nottingham mother of three, who goes by the shortened version of her name, Pink Nice, is just one of 100,000 Brits who decided to change their name in 2011. - The Metro (26/12/2011)

Not a joke found inside a Christmas cracker I can assure you.

What do a tarantula in a glass case, a 6ft stuffed bear and a coffin have in common? Answer: They were amongst the items handed in at a recycling plant in Oxfordshire over the last year. - The Telegraph (27/12/2011)

And so from tarantulas to .....

Pigeons who are causing havoc at a pharmaceutical company's new headquarters after working out how to use the electronic revolving door. - The Telegraph (27/12/2011)

And onto .........

FACE OF JESUS SEEN IN A SOCK. A woman claims she can see the face of Jesus in the creases of a drying sock.

Sarah Crane, 38, said she was stunned when she saw a bearded man staring back at her from the laundry line.

They (Sarah and her boyfriend) even talked about creating a shrine to the sock but then the face was lost when they moved it. - The Metro (28/12/2011)

And now for my final article of 2011 (and another case of political correctness gone mad).

GREEN MAN TO BE REPLACED. The green man has been helping Britons cross the road for decades, but one council has now decided to offer a gender-neutral alternative.

Lincolnshire County Council is rolling out new signs at pelican crossings in Boston, and walkers are being asked to wait for the green figure before they cross.
The authority says the signs are helping to keep the streets as safe as possible, but critics have questioned whether the change has been motivated by political correctness. - The Telegraph (31/12/2011)

PS As always wherever possible I will endeavour to bring you the links to articles I have used in my Media Monday posts but this is not always possible.

WISHING YOU ALL A HAPPY NEW YEAR .......

2012-01-01T11:57:00.002Z

Remember

Life is short, break the rules,

Forgive quickly,

love truly,

laugh uncontrollably,

and

never regret anything that made you smile.

With my best wishes to each and every one of you, thank you for all the love, the laughter and making me smile,

YES!!!!!!!!!! IT'S A 100+ READING CHALLENGE WRAP.

2011-12-31T12:31:00.000Z

Many of my fellow bloggers have asked how I manage to read such a lot. Well ........

Contrary to the popular belief amongst certain of our friends I don't sit with the mouse in one hand and a book in the other.

Ok, so I do read a lot but then I have the luxury (or not) of being able to do so.

I say the luxury OR not of being able to read a lot as it really is a mixed blessing that I am able to so. Part of me longs to be able to say alas I don't have the time to read as I need to do such and such, that I need to get to X, Y and Z but the reality is due to my health problems I'm unable to work, find getting out and about difficult, and so, with daytime telly being one of the other really viable option, spend most of my days blogging and reading.

Combined with the fact that I don't sleep very well and so often spend a lot of nighttime hours with book in hand, and read a fair few books aimed at children/young adults, it means I generally read two to three books a week, more if I'm sleeping really badly or it's a shorter book or aimed at younger readers.

Anyway, onto my post proper and my .......

wrap.

It's been an amazing year book wise, I've travelled far and wide, met many different peoples, both human and otherwise over a wide period of time ........ and I've loved every minute of it - well, almost every minute of it.

And so to wrap up I thought it would be fun to award some trophies .............

My favourite book(s): The Help by Kathryn Stockett - Simply unputdownable. The Ship Of Brides by JoJo Moyes - A fictionalised account of actual events, totally memorable. Alone by Lisa Gardner - Probably the cleverest book I've read this year.
My least favourite book(s): The Blue Flower by Penelope Fitzgerald. Too political for me.
Best loved character(s): Harry Dresden in Grave Peril, Storm Front, Fool Moon, and, Summer Knight by Jim Butcher - Wizard, Private Investigator, and all round nice guy who is not without his failings.
Best villain(s): Nurse Ratched in One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest by Ken Kesey. Such a tyrannical character made all the worse because the abuse is aimed at such vulnerable individuals. Judge James Gagnon in Alone by Lisa Gardner. A man totally corrupted by the power money bought him.
Book(s) I was most disappointed by: Mrs Hartley And The Growth Centre by Philippa Gregory - A huge fan of this author I felt so let down by this particular novel. Room by Amanda Donoghue - An enjoyable enough read, it just did not live up to all the hype in my opinion.
Book(s) that most surprised me:The History Of Lucy's Love Life in 10 1/2 Chapters by Deborah Wright. I had expected to enjoy this but not to the degree I did. My Sister's Keeper by Jodi Picoult - I was surprised by just how strongly I felt about certain characters.
Best series: The Dresden Files, starring Harry Dresden, by Jim Butcher. I love the story lines, I love the characters, I love the humour.
Author(s) I'd like to read more of: Paulina Simons - I really enjoyed her book Eleven Hours and hear all of her books are good reads. Aliza Kellerman - Having read Prism which Aliza co-wrote with her mother Faye Kellerman I'd like to see what she can write as author in her own right. Jodie Picoult - I'm participating in the Jodi Picoult Project and I'd like to see if all of her books are of the same formula as My Sister's Keeper and Sing You Home.
Most nostalgic read:The Pebbles Go To Town by Michael Cooper - The first book I ever bought.
Favourite cover(s):

So, what are your memorable reads of 2011? What have you liked/disliked? What would you recommend as a good read?

PS. Oops! Nearly forgot ....... the links to all of the books mentioned above as well as all the other books read for this challenge can be found by clicking HERE. Here's to happy reading in 2012.

ALONE.

2011-12-30T10:16:00.000Z

ALONE by LISA GARDNER.

An armed man has barricaded himself in with his wife and child. Through the scope of his sniper rifle, State Trooper Bobby Dodge watches the hostage stand-off enfold - and has only a split second to react ........ Twenty-five years ago, Catherine Gagnon was buried underground during a nightmare of abduction and abuse. Now her husband has been killed and her father-in-law, Judge James Gagnon, blames Catherine.

What brings Bobby and Catherine together is a moment of violence - but what connects them is for more dangerous. A killer is loose - and no one will see death coming until it has them cornered, helpless, and alone .......
...... Outer back cover.

FIRST SENTENCE (Chapter 1): He'd put in a fifteen-hour shift the night the call came in.

MEMORABLE MOMENT (Page 175): They're gonna bring in your family. Were you a violent child, did you always love guns? They're going to dig into your lifestyle - young, single officer. Do you frequent bars, sleep around, get into brawls? Too bad you're not married with kids, it always looks better if you're married with kids. What about a dog? Do you happen to own a cute dog? A black lab or golden retriever would be perfect.

KEEP IT OR NOT?: Without a shadow of a doubt I'll be keeping this.

Oh my goodness, one of the best books I've read this year and certainly one of the cleverest.

Alone is wonderfully multi-layered, a real page turner, I was totally engrossed from page one. Bloody in places its true but this is nevertheless more of a psychological thriller than anything else.

Suspenseful and full of a gathering menace, Alone questions the rights and wrongs of the fateful evening when Dodge is called out to the Gagnon household, to just what extent a mother would go to protect her child, a husband to protect his wife, whilst looking at just how earlier childhood experiences may affect the decisions made by the characters as adults.

And talking of characters ...... brilliantly written, each and every one of them is, to some extent or other, flawed and damaged by life. Not always easy to tell the 'goodies' from the baddies' I loved the way the story unravelled in ways that were, for the most part, totally unexpected leaving the reader with an ending that, though it was full of unanswered questions, did not disappoint.

The 109th read for my 100+ Reading Challenge. Alone, which was passed on to me after being read by my mam, is a great read that we both highly recommend.

A 2011 BLOG LOOK BACK.

2011-12-29T10:30:00.002Z

First things first, may I wish a very happy first birthday to a very special little boy, our great-nephew, Little Plum, is one today. I hope to have some photographs of his birthday bash come the new year.

Having seen this 'FIRST LINES' MEME hosted by Suko featured on several blogs I thought it would be a great way to end the old year and welcome in the new.

The idea being to " take the first line of each month's first post over the past year and see what it tells you about your blogging year" I thought it would be a great trip down ......

JANUARY - Yes, I bet there are a few of you out there feeling rather the worse for wear - thankfully the little graphic to the left doesn't come with side effects so there is no danger to those of you who may be feeling, err, a little, shall we say, delicate.
FEBRUARY - Book 7 in the 100+ Reading Challenge.
MARCH -Searching the 'www'. for inspiration (as you do) I was playing around with various calender sites when I came across this ..........
APRIL - The cash-strapped government in the eastern European republic Of Romania has found a new way of raising money.
MAY - An interruption to normal service folks, I'm afraid her ladyship is feeling a tad unwell and not capable of putting finger to keyboard or pen to paper.
JUNE - ........ OR just fed-up with Blogger?
JULY - It's been a while since I last posted a poem, mainly because none really caught my attention until ..........
AUGUST - Apologies, what with few posts and very little visiting I have been a bad, bad blogger buddy of late so I promise from now on .......
SEPTEMBER - Now I know not everyone shares my love of that delightful, prickly gardener's friend, the hedgehog, but please indulge me.
OCTOBER - As promised here are some of the photographs from our recent Silver Wedding Anniversary trip spent in Pooley Bridge in the Lake District.
NOVEMBER - One of the entertainments we planned for our Anniversary Party in September was a caption competition.
DECEMBER - As promised, my memorable moment from The Winter Solstice (The Sacred Traditions Of Christmas) by John Matthews as reviewed yesterday.

Hmm, not too sure just how accurate a representation this is ....... over a 100 books read and yet there was only one mention made of a book review (February) and not a single mention of my Monday Media posts which have become an almost weekly feature. That said, there was a good mix of things that I think pretty much sum up what my blog is all about, journal entries, informative posts, a post that shows my love of the hedgehog, poems, and 'It's A Mad Old World' post, these 'first liners' also chronicle my health issues and at least one of the many battles I've had with the Blogger gremlin this year.

All great fun,

It only remains for me to thank you all, thank you for visiting me, thank you for following me, thank you for all your comments, for all your support, for all your best wishes, thank you for being you - here's to 2012.

Oh, and if like myself, SUKO and, HEALTHIER AND WEALTHIER you have posted/intend to post this meme be sure to let me know so that I can also take a walk down your Memory Lane.

RUSO AND THE DISAPPEARING DANCING GIRLS.

2011-12-28T13:00:00.003Z

RUSO AND THE DISAPPEARING DANCING GIRLS by R.S. DOWNIE.

Britannia, AD 117.

Primitive, cold, and a touch damp.

For army doctor Gaius Petreius Ruso, this oversea posting is no picnic. He has vast debts, a slave girl too clever for her own good and an overbearing hospital administrator to cope with ...... not to mention a serial killer stalking the local bar. Dancing girls are being washed up with the tide and everyone expects Ruso to investigate, even though the breakthroughs in forensic science lie centuries in the future.

Will the gods smile on Ruso before he falls prey to the murderer? If only it were possible to find good Falernian wine in Britannia, life would seem so much rosier - and perhaps the locals might stop killing each other .....
...... Outer back cover.

FIRST SENTENCE (Chapter 1): Someone had washed the mud off the body, but as Gaius Petreius Ruso unwrapped the sheet there was still a distinct smell of river.

MEMORABLE MOMENT (Page 185): Ruso closed his eyes briefly and dreamed of a world where women stayed quietly at home and sewed things and understood the value of modesty and obedience - not to mention not turning up dead in suspicious circumstances.

KEEP IT OR NOT?: Not.

I was intrigued by two things before I even started reading this novel. (1) Why was it also published under the titles of both Medicus and the Disappearing Dancing Girls as well as (in the US) Medicus: A Novel Of The Roman Empire? And (2) I've never before heard of a publisher offering money back if the reader did not find the book as good as the book(s) by another author ........ A sticker printed on the front of the book states 'As good as Lyndsey Davis or your sestertii back'.

Hmm, never having read any of the books I wasn't in a position to comment, let alone ask for my money back..... just as well as the offer ended way back in 2008.

A debut novel and the first in the Ruso series (I believe there are now another two books available) by R.S. Downie (she writes as Ruth Downie in the US) I'm sure that this series may prove popular with many readers as I feel there is plenty left to learn about main character Ruso.

As for as I'm concerned though it may well be that Ruso and I will part company at this junction as on the whole I felt it didn't really work as crime fiction and yet wasn't substantial enough to be of much interest as historical fiction either. A shame really as I'm fascinated by most 'Roman' novels.

Not altogether a bad read though. It did leave me pondering on the fate of the 'dancing ' girls (a euphemism for prostitutes) who as Ruso pointed out, at what cost the human misery that lay behind the 'entertainment' industry that served the Roman Legion?

A charity shop buy, Ruso And The Disappearing Dancing Girls was the 108th book read for my 100+ Reading Challenge.

FAMILY TREE?

2011-12-27T15:42:00.002Z

Thanks to Erica for this.

A 2011 POST FROM FC.

2011-12-26T16:09:00.001Z

Dear Friends,

Well I must say it isn't very often that we get such letters here in the North Pole ..... more often than not we receive all manner of correspondance telling us what a good boy/girl such-and-such a child has been. Not so one Petty Witter who sent the following ..........

Oh well, at least I suppose it was honest.

Seasonal greetings to you all,

THE NATIVITY STORY ....... WITH A DIFFERENCE.

2011-12-23T12:28:00.001Z

Not a fan of rap I have to admit I did quite enjoy this seasonal offering from the Reverend Graham Tyte.

And now all that remains is for me to wish you and yours a ......

See you all on the 26th or thereabouts.

UNCLE MONTAGUE'S TALES OF TERROR.

2011-12-22T13:15:00.000Z

UNCLE MONTAGUE'S TALES OF TERROR by CHRIS PRIESTLY.

Edgar likes to visit his uncle in his house beyond the woods, and hear his stories. But one day Uncle Montague tells him a particularly chilling set of tales, and Edgar discovers the house is full of objects that appear in these ghastly narratives. How did his uncle come by such a grim collection?

But there is no time for answers. Edgar must return through those wood before dark ....... or are the answers OUT THERE?
........ Outer back cover.

FIRST SENTENCE (Chapter 1): The way to Uncle Montague's house lay through a small wood.

MEMORABLE MOMENT (Page 180): "Give me a funeral over a wedding any day," said Uncle Montague with a sigh. "The conversation is almost always superior."

KEEP IT OR NOT?: Probably not as though this is a good read I think I'll find it at its best on the first reading as it is the twist in the tale that makes it so special and to know that twist will, I believe, greatly reduce the magic that is Uncle Montague's Tales Of Terror. I will, however, be passing this on to Niece #2.

Having seen this recommended by several blogger buddies and, I confess, loving the cover (it has to be one of my favourites this year) I was tempted to buy a copy but alas the voice that is my self imposed book buying ban fairy whispered in my ear and I managed to restrain myself, that is until I saw it in a charity shop for the bargain price of 75p...... well, it was for a good cause.

The story of Edgar who, visiting his uncle Montague in his decidedly spooky home, is told 11 stories, all of which are scary and kind of sad, especially the last one which is Uncle Montague's own story - I found the reading of this needed two tissues.

Scary to varying degrees (I certainly wouldn't recommend this as suitable for younger readers), to be honest, I found the novel as a whole a bit of a hit and miss affair with some stories hitting the mark and others, well, not.

Kind of Gothic in tone, and relying heavily on a feeling of menace, each story has a connection with an artefact belonging to Montague (a pocket watch, a telescope, and a gilt frame to name but a few) and involves a child.

But best of all is the relationship that develops between uncle and nephew as stories are told, tea drunk and cake eaten. Wonderfully written, the atmosphere positively thickens as Edgar begins to wonder just how much truth is in the telling of his elderly uncle's tales, and just where did the artefact's come from?

And that's not all - also adding to this magical little book are the pen and ink illustrations by David Roberts. Beautifully crafted, they are simple and yet wondrous to look at, complimenting the book perfectly.

The 107th book read for my 100+ Reading Challenge.

YOU CAN BLAME HD FOR THIS ONE AND MP FOR THAT ONE.

2011-12-21T09:56:00.002Z

There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses.

One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God with no actual address. He thought he should open it to see what it was about.

The letter read:

Dear God,

I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension.

Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had £100 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension payment.

Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with, have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope.. Can you please help me?

Sincerely, Edna.

The postal worker was touched.. He showed the letter to all the other workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few pounds.

By the time he made the rounds, he had collected £90, which they put into an envelope and sent to the woman.

The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends.

Christmas came and went.

A few days later, another letter came from the same old lady to God.

All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened.

It read:

Dear God,

How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me?

Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift.

By the way, there was a tenner missing.

I think it might have been those thieving ******** at the post office.

Sincerely, Edna.

- Thanks to Husband dearest for this.

A man in Scotland calls his son in London the day before Christmas Eve and says, "I hate to ruin your day but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough".

"Dad, what are you talking about?'" the son screams.

"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer", the father says. "We're sick of each other and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Leeds and tell her".

Frantically, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone, "Like hell they're getting divorced", she shouts, "I'll take care of this".

She calls Scotland immediately and screams at her father, "You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife and says, "Done! Not only are they're coming for Christmas - but they're paying their own way too."

- And thanks to Mad Priest for this.

MUTINY ON THE BOUNTY.

2011-12-20T11:06:00.001Z

MUTINY ON THE BOUNTY by JOHN BOYNE.

A fourteen-year-old boy, John Jacob Turnstile, has got into trouble with the police on one too many occasions and is on his way to prison when an offer is put to him - a ship has been refitted over the last few months and is about to set sail with an important mission. The boy who was expected to serve as the captain's personal valet has been injured and a replacement must be found immediately. The deal is struck and Turnstile finds himself on board, meeting the captain just as the ship sets sail.

The ship is HMS Bounty: the captain is William Bligh and their destination is Tahiti.
....... Inner front cover.

FIRST SENTENCE (Chapter 1): There was once a gentleman, a tall fellow with an air of superiority about him, who made it his business to come down to the marketplace in Portsmouth on the first Sunday of every month in order to replenish his library.

MEMORABLE MOMENT (Page 89):"That's not the men screaming, you damned fool," he said. "Good lord, lad, don't you recognise the pipe of the wind yet? It's sweeping across the decks, challenging us, daring us to go further. The screams are its battle-cry! The roar its strength! Know you nothing of the sea yet?"

KEEP IT OR NOT?: A reading group read, I went out and purchased this copy such was my enjoyment of the book.

As I said a reading group read, I must confess that when I saw we were going to be reading this my first response was not favourable. But hang on a minute ......... this was a new take on the story, written by none other than John Boyne, author of THE BOY IN THE BLUE STRIPED PYJAMAS, which I loved.

Hmm, I'm reminded of 'Olive Twist' to start with as we meet John Jacob Turnstile, orphan and pickpocket, who suffice to say has a choice to make after being caught, err, liberating the pocket watch of a French gentleman.

Not giving away too much, Turnstile (soon to also become known as Turnip) finds himself aboard HMS Bounty under the captaincy of one Lieutenant William Bligh.

Different from many of the film versions I've watched (I can't comment on any of the books never having read any) in Boyne's novel Bligh rather than the usually portrayed abusive, somewhat cruel individual is portrayed as a rather stubborn but kindly, often lenient, man who takes a particular interest in the young Turnstile.

Ah yes, Turnip. I found this character particularly engaging and loved how his story saw him develop from an abused boy to a young man whose experiences on board The Bounty and respect of Bligh was to transform his life, colouring everything he did.

Based of course on a real event (you can read more HERE) this fictional account was so well written that I could well believe it was an actual account. Pretty harrowing at times (especially the passages dealing with events after the mutiny)it was nevertheless funny, heartwarming, and life confirming. Filling the reader with hope, it was a very descriptive read, at times brutal, and often claustrophobic, a book I'm so glad I read.

The 106th book read for my 100+ Reading Challenge, this was a real good rollicking yarn, story telling at its best.

LITTLE PENGUIN, LITTLE PENGUIN ON THE DUSTY ROAD.

2011-12-19T11:46:00.002Z

Long gone are shepherds wearing dad's dressing gown and a tea-towel.

Shepherds and wise men are losing out to penguins and dinosaurs in school nativity plays.

Growing class sizes, trying to keep children interested and a desire to be politically correct could be behind the trend, according to Debenhams, which carried out the research. The Express (12/12/2011)

And talking of penguins ....... what a way to promote the release of a DVD.

ICE SKATING PENGUINS. Shoppers at Westfield shopping centre in Shepherd's Bush were left puzzled after seeing a small colony of penguins sliding around on the ice rink.

The six penguins waddled across the new ice rink to make a visit to the centre's Santa Claus, to ask for gifts of fish, but more so to promote the release of the DVD for Jim Carrey's film, Mr Popper's Penguins.

The movie follows Mr Popper, a businessman who inherits six penguins and decides to turn his apartment into a winter wonderland, after his family takes a liking to them, changing his life forever. - Aaron-Spencer Charles, The Metro (12/12/2011) Husband dearest and I saw this very film way back in August. Amusing in parts but it relied too much on penguin pooh jokes for my liking.

And so from penguins to .........

SQUIRREL MUNCHES SLICE OF TOAST almost as big as itself. - Jimmy Nsubuga, The Metro (14/12/2011) Hardly big news but soooooo cute.

And from penguins to toast eating squirrels to reindeer.

DOBBEY THE REINDEER HAD A VERY SHINY ~~NOSE~~ VAN. If any of Santa’s sleigh crew gets sick before the big night next week, here’s a willing replacement to help make those all-important deliveries.

Animal-lover Gordon Elliott, 68, took over rearing Dobbey (8) soon after he was born when his own mother rejected him – and now the pair go everywhere together, including trips in his van to local shops, the pub and even on and off trains and buses.

“It’s a bit of a squeeze getting him into the cab. I open the door and he just jumps in. I put him on a lead and take him for walks down the high street and we go to the burger bar or

the pub. I’ve taken him on the bus and Tube. He loves people and is always well behaved. - The Mirror (14/12/2011)

And if that didn't convince you us Brits were mad, how about these two articles? The first one being my favourite story of the week ......

UK TO HOLD FIRST EVER WORLD WATCHING PAINT DRY CHAMPIONSHIPS. Apparently the most boring thing to do is watch paint dry so what better test of endurance and concentration than the World Watching Paint Dry Championships, which are due to be held in the UK next year.

Those looking to compete in the championships must send in a picture of themselves watching paint dry and state the longest time they’ve managed to stare at a wall of drying paint without looking away.

They will also need to tell organisers what their favourite colour is and why.

A shortlist will then be drawn up and those contestants will be invited to attend an ultimate final in front of media at a location in central England.

The final stare down will see six paint watchers from around the world fight it out for the international title and an iPad. - Jimmy Nsubuga, The Metro (13/12/2011)

THUNDERBIRDS GRANDAD GO. A grandad who is obsessed with Thunderbirds has built his own version of Lady Penelope's Rolls Royce, complete with a homemade doll in the back seat.

Brian Vann, a 74-year-old retired construction worker from Evesham, Worcestershire, pimped his 10mph scooter to emulate the car from his favourite television show of the 1960s.

Using cardboard and tin foil, Vann carefully crafted the model around his scooter, painting the wood and even using a Barbie doll to create his own version of the Rolls Royce emblem on the front. - Aaron-Spencer Charles, The Metro (16/12/2011)

We've had unseasonably warm weather here in the north east of England but nothing as freaky as this.

APPLES FALL FROM THE SKY. Stunned motorists were forced to brake sharply to avoid the falling fruit, believed to be swept up by a vortex caused by freak weather conditions in Coventry.

An avalanche of more than 100 apples rained down over a main road in Keresley, Coventry on Monday night.

The street was left littered with apples after they pelted car windscreens and bonnets just after rush-hour.

The bizarre downpour may have been caused by a current of air that lifted the fruit from a garden or orchard. - Donna Bowater, The Telegraph (14/12/2011)

And so onto my last article of 2011, another tale of an incompetent thief.

THIEF CAUGHT BY TRAIL OF PINE NEEDLES. You wouldn’t need to be in special branch to have cracked this crime ......
A blundering thief left police a long line of clues after nicking Christmas trees from a nursery – a trail of pine needles.

Officers simply followed the fallen green spikes for half a mile and found the loot dumped in a garden. They were joined by the nursery’s boss John Dacre, 65. - Paul Byrne, The Mirror (17/12/2011).

Yes, you read correctly, though I shall be posting other things as normal this is my last Media Monday post of 2011, many thanks to all of you for your visits and comments and ..........

Seasonal greetings and best wishes for 2012 to all of those who are having a break over the holidays.

PS As always wherever possible I will endeavour to bring you the links to articles I have used in my Media Monday posts but this is not always possible.

PPS. I saw these advertised in some newspaper or other over the weekend (I forget which one) and so want a pack. Available from John Lewis department stores at £10 for a pack of 12 bin liners, sadly they are out of stock.

THE BOOK OF A THOUSAND DAYS.

2011-12-18T12:39:00.001Z

THE BOOK OF A THOUSAND DAYS by SHANNON HALE.

When a beautiful Lady refuses to marry the Lord her father has chosen, her father is furious. So furious he locks her in a tower with her maid.

But the maid realises there is something deeply sinister behind her Lady's fear of the Lord, something which means they could be in danger beyond the walls of the tower than imprisoned within them.......

...... Outer back cover.

FIRST SENTENCE (Day 1): My lady and I are being shut up in a tower for seven years.

MEMORABLE MOMENT (Page 91): ..... But I laid her out on the open steppes under the Eternal Blue Sky, with her feet pointed to the Sacred Mountain so her soul would know which way to walk.

KEEP IT OR NOT?: No, this is one for the charity shop.

A bit older than the average reader of this, The Book Of A Thousand Days (you can read the first few pages by clicking HERE) is aimed at a teenage audience, I found myself wondering just what all the fuss was about, just why did teenagers find this book, a Whitney Awards Best Speculative Fiction winner in 2007, so enjoyable?

The story of a lady, Saren and her maid, a 'mucker' called Dashti, the novel is based on Maid Maleen, a fairy tale recorded by the Brothers Grimm, and is told in diary format - if only I could decide which made the most mundane reading the one sentence entries OR the entries that went on for page after page?

Expecting something truly magical, a 'spellbinding story of love, fear, courage, and one true heroine' I was disappointed from the start, finding the plot plodding, the pen and ink illustrations poor, unimaginative and unexciting and as for the characters? I did not connect with a single one of them.

No, not even the 'big reveal' (not that I'm going to tell you what that was), as unexpected as it was, did anything to improve my flagging interest. Coming too late in the story, it was just too little too late, a bit of a damp squib really, I think the author could have made a lot more of this.

But what I liked least of all was the lack of detail. Ok, so the illustrations provided some clues (as did the alternative cover pictured right) but it seemed to me that the author had 'borrowed' from so many different myths and legends (she acknowledges that she had to take liberties in her quest to find Dashti's story) that it became confusing (perhaps Hale had taken a liberty too far) as to just what the characters were all about, what made them the people they were. Not important it could be argued but I like to picture my characters in my head and I'm afraid I just couldn't get a clear image of any of them.

The 105th book read for my 100+ Reading Challenge, this was not a novel without its moments, beautiful in places as my Memorable Moment shows, though all things considered I was disappointed with it.

MRS SCROOGE.

2011-12-17T10:43:00.001Z

Scrooge doornail-dead, his widow, Mrs Scrooge, lived by herself

in London Town. It was that time of year, the clocks long back,

when shops were window-dressed with unsold tinsel, trinkets, toys,

trivial pursuits, with sequinned dresses and designer suits,

with chocolates, glacé fruits and marzipan, with Barbie,

Action Man, with bubblebath and aftershave and showergel;

the words Noel and Season's Greetings brightly mute

in neon lights. The city bells had only just chimed three,

but it was dusk already. It had not been light all day.

Mrs Scrooge sat googling at her desk,

Catchit the cat

curled at her feet; snowflakes tumbling to the ground

below the window, where a robin perched,

pecking at seeds. Most turkeys,

bred for their meat, are kept in windowless barns,

with some containing over 20,000 birds. Turkeys

are removed from their crates and hung from shackles

by their legs in moving lines. A small fire crackled

in the grate. Their heads are dragged under

a water bath - electrically charged - before their necks

are cut. Mrs Scrooge pressed Print.

She planned

to visit Marley's Supermarket (Biggest Bargain Birds!) at four.

- By Carol Ann Duffy with illustrations by Posy Simmonds (2008)

Not usually a big fan of Carol Ann Duffy, I love this poem which can be read in its entirety by clicking HERE.

JENNER'S GIVING TREE OTHERWISE KNOWN AS MOLLY'S PIG.

2011-12-16T12:51:00.000Z

Inspired by Jenner's WRITER'S WORKSHOP: LETTER TO SANTA CLAUS in which she mentioned that her son's school had a giving tree, where the kids pick out a tag for a child in need and buy them some gifts for the holidays, I thought I'd share one of my festive experiences as a teaching assistant working in a primary school with boys and girls aged 3 to 11.

Now I think its pretty accurate to say that most classes have a child who, generally for no obvious reason, just isn't popular with the other children, who no-one willingly chooses to play with, who isn't gladly welcomed to birthday parties unless some mother or other, knowing they are the only child not to be invited, insists that they come, and the schools I have worked in were no different.

I well remember working with a group of 'year 2' children aged between 6 and 7 in which the child to be left out happened to be a lovely little girl whom I'll call Molly. No real difference from the other children, Molly just wasn't accepted, not that the other children bullied her in the usual sense of the word (there was none of the normal name-calling, hair pulling etc etc) they, perhaps even more cruelly, just didn't seem to notice she existed.

As a consequence lots of time was spent making sure that Molly didn't feel too left out, that the children were given every opportunity to get to know Molly and that Molly was given every opportunity to get to know them but I digress.

I don't know if Christmas cards play a part in your child's school life and if so how this is dealt with ....... as a girl we had a post-box in the school assembly hall and every day two children were chosen to act as the elves who delivered the cards to all of the classrooms and in this way no-one child was noticeably left out as if they got no cards that day, it was just presumed that they would the next.

I've never yet worked in a school that operates in this way, its often cited as a health and safety issue to have children wandering around the school. Instead they all have their own methods, one of which is for the teacher to provide a list of all the children in that class which, supposedly, makes sure that no child is left out, that each child will get a card from every other child - not so in the last school (Molly's school) I worked in, to do this was cited as a health and safety issue as it alerted parents to the names of all the children in that class (as if most of them didn't already know this).

Anyway, this particular school insisted that all cards were brought into school on one specified day as the children were felt to be distracted by the cards and it was more than enough to be distracted on one given day rather than on many.

So getting back to Molly, this year she got not one card, no, not a single boy or girl bothered to think of Molly. What to do?

It was decided that the next year we would do away with the children bringing cards into school but instead would pick a charity and encourage parents to donate the money they would have spent on cards to the school's chosen charity which happened to be Oxfam who, depending on the money raised, would send chickens/a pig/a cow/a donkey etc to a remote village in Africa.

Now Molly hadn't seemed to show any unhappiness at not getting a single Christmas card the year before, her parents, naturally upset on her behalf, saying they couldn't understand that she hadn't even mentioned any cards, BUT this year Molly was distraught, upset to the point of making herself sick, to think that a, a ........ (I think it was a pig) was being sent to someone and she hadn't helped to pick it let alone helped to wrap it as she always did with presents for her family.

Hmm, it just goes to show we may well have been worrying over something when all along we needn't have.

SMUT: TWO UNSEEMLY STORIES.

2011-12-15T14:45:00.000Z

BAH-HUMBUG!!!!! Getting away from all of those festive posts that have been appearing on Pen and Paper lately, today I thought I'd bring you a book review.

SMUT: TWO UNSEEMLY STORIES by ALAN BENNETT.

Both 'unseemly stories' in Smut concern women in middle life: Mrs Donaldson, whom sex takes by surprise, and Mrs Forbes, who is not surprised at all.
....... Inner front cover.

FIRST SENTENCE (Chapter 1, 'The Greening Of Mrs Donaldson') "I gather your my wife," said the man in the waiting room.

MEMORABLE MOMENT: (Page 139, 'The Shielding Of Mrs Forbes'): Elsewhere Mr Forbes had not been allowed to forget his despicable behaviour at the wedding and he spent several months in more or less permanent exile to the garden shed.

KEEP IT OR NOT?: A reading group read, I have no intention of buying a copy.

Chosen as one of my reading groups December read, I can hardly wait for our January meeting to find out what people thought of this one. A bit of a prude myself, I can only begin to imagine some of the comments that will be made - mind you, they could all be a lot more liberated than I expected and have really enjoyed the book.

Smut? I guess the title says it all.

Two short stories within the one book, 'The Greening Of Mrs Donaldson', and, 'The Shielding Of Mrs Forbes', smutty they might well have been but I also found them quite/very funny in that they combined the (almost) 'normal' with the outlandish bordering (or is this just me?) on the perverse.

The funniest of the two books in my opinion, 'The Greening Of Mrs Donaldson' is about a widow who, her husband having died, makes extra money by working in a hospital, playing the role of patients presenting with various ailments to student doctors, and, letting out her spare room to young couples, the first of whom set a precedence when, unable to pay the rent they, well, lets just say they find an alternative means.

The second, 'The Shielding Of Mrs Forbes', I found less funny (probably because it didn't have the advantage of the humour of the hospital scenarios) and was more predictable. The story of a middle class family headed by a mother who believes her family grander than they actually are, her beloved son is about to marry a woman who is not only ugly but, she believes, totally beneath him.

Cleverly written, it seems to me that the author has a big talent for making things sound ruder than they actually are, I would nevertheless recommend caution as though there is nothing too explicit in these stories and what there is is largely dampened with droll humour they are quite rude in an almost typically English end of pier type of way meaning that they are full of an understated, nudge-nudge-wink-wink type of humour that is full of innuendo.

The 104th book read in my 100+ Reading Challenge.

FROM BAUBELS TO GARAGE DOORS ....... WHAT NEXT FOR CHRISTMAS DECORATIONS.

2011-12-14T11:48:00.001Z

I know that many of you decorate your home for the festive season, but would you go as far as this .......

WOMAN DECORATES CEILING WITH 1,700 CHRISTMAS BAUBELS. A woman has decked out the ceiling of her living room with a whopping 1,700 Christmas baubles.

Sylvia Pope, 68, started decorating her home in Swansea at the end of September and doesn't expect to finish until Christmas Day.

She already has a bauble collection that numbers 1,700 - which has been brought from all around the world - and each year she spends a further £100 buying new decorations. - The Mirror (December 2011)

How about this?

Browsing the internet I recently came across this article in the motoring section of the Telegraph. Featuring the site Style-Your-Garage.Com, it takes a look at a German based company that produces garage door covers amongst which is a festive range, an example of which can be seen above.

Click HERE to see the Telegraph article in full - I think you'll be amazed at these Christmassy garage doors which can be viewed in their entirety by clicking on the arrows at the side of the image or you could always click HERE to visit the Style-Your-Garage site, their promotional video is kind of fun and, wow, their range of designs (Christmas, Halloween and Animals included) are really something special.

BUT

What happens when it all goes wrong?

FATHER CHRISTMAS RIPS TILES OFF PUB ROOF. Landlord Andrew Marler has had his pub partially demolished by a 'violently shaking' 30ft tall Santa Claus.

The sky-high Santa, costing £3,000, lights up at night and is so colossal it can be seen by passing planes. Six men were needed to lift it onto the chimney where it still has pride of place but has proven to be a one-man demolition derby with strong winds causing the decoration to pull down tiles from the roof of the Old Manor pub in Potters Bar. - The Metro (December 2011)

PS. Have you or are you intending to post any photos of your festive decorations? If so, please be sure to let me know.

SILENT BOY.

2011-12-13T11:01:00.001Z

SILENT BOY: HE WAS A FRIGHTENED BOY WHO REFUSED TO SPEAK UNTIL A TEACHER'S LOVE BROKE THROUGH THE SILENCE by TOREY HAYDEN.

When Torey Hayden first met fifteen-year-old Kevin, he was barricaded under a table. Desperately afraid of the world around him, he hadn't spoken a word in eight years. He was considered hopeless and incurable, but Hayden refused to believe it, though she realized it might well take a miracle to break through the walls he had built around himself.

With unanswering devotion and gentle, patient love, she set out to free him - and slowly uncovered a shocking violent history and a terrible secret that an unfeeling bureaucracy had simply filed away and forgotten.

But she never gave up on this tragic 'lost case'. For a trapped and frightened boy desperately needed her help - and she knew in her heart she could not rest easy until she had rescued him from the darkness.
....... Inner front cover.

FIRST SENTENCE (Chapter 1): Zoo-boy.

MEMORABLE MOMENT (Page 58): ......"Yes, I do this for fun. And I'm having it. Why aren't you?"
Charity looked startled. "Well, I guess maybe I am," she said. "I just didn't know it."

KEEP IT OR NOT?: Not, though I shall be passing it onto my (naughty) little sister who I'm quite sure has not read it.

Now I don't know about you but when reviewing books I more often than not find myself if not exactly justifying why then explaining why I did/didn't enjoy certain things about the plot, about the characters etc, what I don't usually find myself justifying is why I chose that particular book ....... why then do I find myself doing it with this type of memoir?

I guess you could say this genre of book was a guilty pleasure of mine, though pleasure is the wrong word to use as I nearly always finding these books difficult reading and always feel as uncomfortable as if I'd been caught eavesdropping on someone else's conversation. That said, I do think some of these stories need to be told and, certainly with regard to this author's books (Torey is an educational psychologist and teacher who has worked with many disturbed and vulnerable children over the years) feel there is something to be learnt as as a qualified teaching assistant myself I find some of her techniques interesting. Enough said of this though and onto my thoughts of Silent Boy.

Having read several of Torey's books before, (my (naughty) little sister introduced me to her work a while ago), I have to say that though this book was based on an adolescent as opposed to the children who had featured in the other books I had read, and was a lot more sinister in content, Silent Boy very much followed the formula laid down in her other books ....... so much so that the extended title of 'He was a frightened boy who refused to speak - until a teacher's love broke through the silence' could have been added to any of them for that it seems is what Torey does, takes a damaged child and with the power of her love breaks through the 'barriers'. Yes, I guess what I'm saying is that, in my opinion, once you have read one of Torey's books you have pretty much read them all (give or take the particulars of the child concerned and their particular circumstances). That said, I know this will be enjoyed by many hardcore fans and newcomers alike.

So, what exactly is the book about? Well, I think the blurb on the inner front cover just about sums it up. Kevin is a young man, also known as Zoo Boy, who, when Torey first meets him, does not communicate with anyone and chooses to barricade himself under tables between chair legs - hence his nick-name. Deemed as a hopeless case Silent Boy chronicles Torey's difficulties in breaking through Kevin's fears to reach the person she knows lay hidden there. Not exactly pleasant reading as a whole series of childhood abuse is uncovered.

My final thought on the book.....

Whilst I obviously found Kevin's story disturbing, I was also disturbed by some of the comments made by Torey and her fellow professionals. Now I know time has passed since this book was written (it was first published in 1983 but there is no indication as to when the events actually took place) as have the titles we label people with and the borders in which we work but I was shocked to read some of the residents actually officially labelled with the titles of loopy and retard. Not as shocked though as reading of some of the conditions in which Torey was allowed to work not only with Kevin but also Charity who is another child who features in the book though very much in a secondary role. Not wishing to include any major spoilers I won't go into great details here but suffice to say I don't think that in this day and age of 'child protection' policies any professional would find themselves allowed to work in this way without certain restrictions.

Ex-library stock, Silent Boy was the 103rd book read in my 100+ Reading Challenge.

FOLLOW THE, ERR, PINK ROAD???????

2011-12-12T10:36:00.000Z

It obviously doesn't take much .......

COWS SPOOKED BY PINK ROAD. A herd of cows were spooked by a new pink-coloured road and suddenly turned tail, rushed into a garden leaving one trapped in a ditch.

The cow belonged to farmer Robert Wells who was herding the cows down when it became spooked and rushed into the front garden of a house next to the post office. He said he believed it was because the road had been resurfaced pink and this confused the cows. - The Telegraph (05/12/2011)

Sticking with animals .......

Last week we had the woman who had spent thousands of pounds on her pet dog but it still isn't Britain's happiest dog, that honour goes to .......

ALFIE THE COCKAPOO. Alfie the cockapoo is one dog that never looks ruff – and he’s certainly got something to smile about after he was named Britain's happiest dog.

The nine-month-old pup beat dozens of others to be named top dog in the competition, organised by Penguin Books.

It was a close call but Alfie, who lives in Bristol, won the judges over with his big grin and furiously wagging tale.

His owner Dan Salt said: ‘Alfie is a cross between a cocker spaniel and a poodle and he is a very happy dog. - Tariq Tahir, The Metro (07/12/2011)

And now, thanks to husband dearest, its ........

RABBITS WITH £10,000 HI-TECH HUTCH. Norfolk pet owner and hutch builder Jason Batterbee has created a luxury hi-tech home for his two pet rabbits Hunnie and Runnie.More down hill skiing than an ice rink.

Decked out in in pinewood and stainless steel, the well-appointed rabbit residence has its own security cameras, mood lighting and even artwork on the walls. - Mike Liggins, BBC News (08/12/2011) You simply have to see the video to appreciate just how spoilt these bunnies are. - BBC News. You simply have to watch the video (link above) to appreciate just how spoilt these critters are.

More like down-hill skiing than an ice rink.

ICE RINK BUILT ON A SLOPE. Dozens of excitable children were left distraught when their winter ice rink was shut down – because contractors had built it on a slope.

The youngsters had been waiting with baited breath for the temporary attraction to open but council inspectors were forced to pull the plug, without a single skate cutting the ice. - Ann Lee, The Metro (06/12/2011)

Mine and Madge's (Madge being my electric wheelchair) favourite two articles .......

SUPERCHARGED MOBILITY SCOOTER SEIZED. A supercharged mobility scooter has been seized by Doncaster council officers after being driven at speeds of up to 60mph, scaring wild deer and annoying residents in the area.

Converted to be driven by a supercharged 140cc petrol engine, the mobility scooter was described as a 'feat of engineering' by Cynthia Ransome, Doncaster council's communities officer.

As well as the engine, it had been 'pimped' with go-kart wheels and a large exhaust. - Joanne McCabe, The Metro (07/12/2011)

Going way back to June this year, how did I miss this one?

GREAT-GRANDFATHER CONVERTS MOBILITY SCOOTER INTO BATMOBILE. Brian Vann spent weeks transforming his electric scooter into the superhero’s car.

He can be spotted riding the Batmobile, which has a top speed of 8mph, around the ‘Batcave’ – the sheltered housing complex where he lives in Evesham, Worcestershire. - The Metro (26/06/2011)

PLEASE NOTE : Wherever possible I will endeavour to bring you the links to articles I have used in my Media Monday posts but this is not always possible.

MR AND MRS R AND THE CHRISTMAS CARD LIST.

2011-12-11T11:53:00.000Z

Shall I cross them off?

It's twenty years since we last met.

Of course Mr R and I once thought

we were made for each other –

Ah, that heart-stopping moment

by the kitchen sink, when he took off

his spectacles and fiercely kissed me.

But all that lasted less than a week

And what I recall more vividly

Is Mrs R's good advice:

Always plunge your lemons in hot water

before you squeeze them.

One more year perhaps.

- Connie Bensley.

The Twelve Poems of Christmas, Volume Two.

'DEER' BLOGGER BUDDIES.

2011-12-10T09:50:00.000Z

What do you call a deer with no eyes?

- I've no idea.

What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?

- I've still no idea.

Sometimes the old ones really are the best.

A man went into a posh hotel and asked the chef how he prepared the turkeys for Christmas.
"We tell them from the start they aren't going to make it."

Thanks to Jack for this one.

And this ones for Betty as I know The little Drummer Boy is one of her favourite Christmas songs.

LETTERS FROM FATHER CHRISTMAS.

2011-12-09T13:11:00.001Z

LETTERS FROM FATHER CHRISTMAS by J.R.R. TOLKIEN.

Every December an envelope bearing a stamp from the North Pole would arrive for J.R.R. Tolkien's children. Inside would be a letter in strange spidery handwriting and a beautifully coloured drawing or some sketches.

The letters were from Father Christmas.

{They told wonderful tales of life at the North Pole: how all the reindeer got loose and scattered presents all over the place; how the accident-prone Polar Bear climbed the North Pole and fell through the roof of Father Christmas's house into the dining room; how he broke the Moon into four pieces and made the Man in it fall into the back garden; how there were wars with the troublesome horde of goblins who lived in the caves beneath the house!}
........ Inner front cover (Please note the above may contain too much information for those wishing to read the book, if you wish to read then simply highlight the section in brackets).

FIRST Letter (Page 6): Christmas House, North Pole,
22nd December 1920

Dear John,
I heard you ask daddy what I was like and where I lived. I have drawn me and my house for you. Take care of the picture. I am just off now for Oxford with my bundle of toys - some for you. Hope I shall arrive in time: the snow is very thick at the North Pole tonight. Your loving Father Christmas.

MEMORABLE MOMENT (Page 78): ........ Father Christmas was taking a last look round in the English Delivery Room about 10 o'clock when water poured through the ceiling and swamped everything: it was soon 6 inches deep on the floor. Polar Bear had simply got into the bath with both taps running and gone fast asleep with one hind paw on the overflow. He had been asleep two hours when we woke him.

KEEP IT OR NOT?: Husband dearest's book, I know he will not be wanting to part with this.

Obviously a very proud dad, Tolkien's love for his children shines through in this delightful book which he wrote and illustrated for them.

Keeping the children updated with the happenings at the North Pole, the letters, some much longer than others, are mainly written by Father Christmas (Tolkien) and, when he is too busy, his elf secretary, Ilbereth, with contributions from the North Polar Bear (aka referred to as NPB), I loved that the letters incorporated mention of actual real world events such as this 1940 post-war entry in which Father Christmas writes ........

This horrible war is reducing all our stocks, and in so many countries children are living far from their homes.

Chronicling the adventures of not only FC himself but also, my favourite character, the North Pole Bear who is forever having mishaps of kind or another (amongst other things he breaks his leg one year, takes the skin off his nose another year and, as mentioned in my memorable moment, manages to flood the English Delivery Room another), the letters also tell the tales of NPB's nephews, Pasku and Valkotukka, The Snow Man, and, of course, this being Tolkien, a smattering of elves, goblins and gnomes.

Written between December 1920 and December 1940, this is an updated version in which, though we are given only a few examples of Father Christmas's actual writing, we get to see replicas of almost all of the pictures that were sent including NPB's alphabet which he devised from Goblin drawings on the walls of the caves where he was lost.

A delightful read, I know I was totally charmed by it, Tolkien's writing, though filled with such love for his children, is, dare I say it, somewhat formal and proper, no, it's the actual pictures themselves that make this such a beautiful book for me - detailed, colourful, intricate, and yet somehow almost childlike at the same time they really bring life to the letters.

The 102nd book read in my 100+ Reading Challenge and the 5th in my Christmas Spirit Challenge.

POLITICALLY CORRECT HOLDAY STORIES.

2011-12-08T11:21:00.000Z

POLITICALLY CORRECT HOLIDAY STORIES by JAMES FINN GARNER.

Holiday tales have long delighted and entertained us, but until now they've always been burdened with society's skewed values and mores. Stories that reinforce the stifling class system (Dickens's A Christmas Carol), legitimize the stereotype of a merry, over-weight patriarchal oppressor (Santa Claus in The Night Before Christmas), and justify the domestication and subjugation of wild animals (Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer) abound in the literature and lore of this season.

Now James Finn Garner has stepped in to revise and improve these familiar tales to free our social consciousness from the ghost of prejudice past. From the newly revised 'Nutcracker' to 'Frosty the Persun of Snow' these stories rekindle the true holiday spirit and redefine the idea of 'good will to all men' to include wowyn, pre-adults, and companion animals as well.
........ Outer back cover

FIRST SENTENCE (Page 1): Twas the night before solstice and all
through the co-op
Not a creature was messing the calm
status quo up.

MEMORABLE MOMENT (Page 34): ....... He sought out Rudolph among the herd and, wearing his humblest and most pleading face, asked him "Rudolph, with your nose so bright, won't you guide my sleigh tonight?"
The young reindeer looked him over carefully. After a few moments of silence, he said "No."

KEEP IT OR NOT?: Taken off the shelves, it shall be returned there.

According to Amazon's product description, Politically Correct Holiday Stories is .......

A collection of Christmas stories, retold for readers of evolved consciousness, liberated from archaic, sexist, ageist, classist, lookist and other environmentally unsound prejudices.

Hmm, not too sure how much I agree with this.

The fourth book I've read in the Politically Correct series - I read Politically Correct Bedtime Stories and Once Upon A More Enlightened Time way back in March of this year, you can see my reviews by clicking HERE - and have to say this was probably my least favourite.

Taking a politically correct and satirical look at five well known Christmas classics Garner, obviously enjoying poking fun at political correctness, brings us 'Twas the night before Solistice', 'Frosty the Persun of Snow', 'The Nutcracker', my personal favourite, 'Rudolph the Nasally Empowered Reindeer' (I love the idea of Rudolph's life ambition being to, and I quote, 'improve the fortunes of the working reindeer and overthrow the oppressive tyranny of Santa Claus') and, my least favourite, the over long, not very funny 'A Christmas Carol'.

Now don't get me wrong, this isn't a read without humour, just not rolling on the floor, clutching your sides, laugh out loud humour, its just that it was perhaps a tad too dry, a touch too satirical for my liking.

Book number 101 in my 100+ Reading Challenge, this was the fourth book read in the Christmas Spirit Challenge. A short read, measuring only 18 x 13 x 2 cm and with less than 100 pages, I read this in only an hour or two.

AND THE WINNER OF THE 2011 AWARD FOR BAD SEX IN FICTION GOES TO .........

2011-12-07T12:34:00.001Z

"There is nothing more English than bad sex, so on behalf of the entire nation I would like to thank you"

- So said novelist Rowan Somerville, author of THE SHAPE OF HER who won last years Bad Sex (In Fiction) Award. To prevent my blushes I won't print any of his award winning words but if you so desire (and want a laugh, yes, it really is that bad) you can click HERE.

Wondering what I'm wittering on about now? You need look no further than THIS POST in which I told of the Bad Sex Awards, the 2011 winner of which was announced last night.

Hmm, strange, not even mentioned on the list of nominees that I saw, the winner is ..........

David Guterson for his fifth novel, ED KING, which is I'm informed is a modern retelling of the story of Oedipus.

An American, yeah, it's normally a British author who wins, Guterson it seems won the award largely due to his overusage of terms such as "family jewels", "back door" and "front parlour". I've included an example (a less blush worthy one) in brackets below which you can highlight if you should wish to do so.

{ "In the shower, Ed stood with his hands at the back of his head, like someone just arrested, while she abused him with a bar of soap. After a while he shut his eyes, and Diane, wielding her fingernails now and staring at his face, helped him out with two practiced hands, one squeezing the family jewels, the other vigorous with the soap-and-warm-water treatment. }

Not too bad until you realise that Ed is a grown man, Diane his mother.

And the prize?

An abstract statue representing sex in the 1950s. Oh, and what else but of course a box of cigars.

BEFORE THE STORM.

2011-12-06T09:36:00.000Z

BEFORE THE STORM by DIANE CHAMBERLAIN.

What if your child was accused of mass murder?

When the local church is razed to the ground, dozens of trapped children manage to escape - many helped by fifteen-year-old Andy Lockwood. Born with Foetal Alcohol Spectrum Disorder; Andy is more like a little boy than a teenager, but in the eyes of the people he saved, he's a hero.

Laurel lost her son once through neglect and has spent the rest of her life determined to make up for her mistakes. Yet when suspicion of arson is cast upon Andy, Laurel must ask herself how well she really knows her son - and how far she'll go to protect him.
...... Outer back cover.

FIRST SENTENCE (Laurel): They took my baby from me when he was only ten hours old.

MEMORABLE MOMENT (Page 467): Sometimes relief feels like a trickle from a faucet. Other times, its a tidal wave.

KEEP IT OR NOT?: A definite keep, I'm adding the sequel, Secrets She Left Behind, to my wish list.

Said by many to be 'the new Jodi Picoult', 'the southern Jodi Picoult', to be honest, I found this book more enjoyable. Now I like Picoult's books (at least I found the two I've read, My Sister's Keeper and Sing You Home, click HERE for my reviews, enjoyable) but it has to be said I found this book much more readable, less emotive, I was able to concentrate more on the novel itself as opposed to sobbing into a tissue or ranting at some character or other to the point I swear I could feel my blood pressure rising.

Like an onion, this book was multi-layered in that just as you peeled away one layer you found another (not all of them expected either). Told by both Andy, his mother (Laurel), his elder sister (Maggie) and his Uncle (Marcus), Before The Storm, as well as dealing with the fire and Andy's possible involvement, also takes a look at several other issues including alcoholism, postnatal/postpartum depression, Foetal Alcohol Spectrum Disorder (FASD) , as well as what it is to be disabled, to be seen as being different.

Wonderfully well written, despite having some issues with the behaviour of some of the characters, unlike in Picoult's books (grief, did I dislike Sara in My Sister's Keeper), I found myself unable to really dislike any of the characters in this novel, to see any of them as 'the baddy' as it were, instead seeing them as individuals with flaws, as people who, yes, had made mistakes.

Not one of the best stories I have read this year BUT certainly one of the best books I've read this year, I think it was interesting (not too mention brave) that the author chose FASD, a less well known condition, as Andy's disability. Fascinating that she looked at some of the issues of what it is to be a disabled child, of what it is to be seen as being 'normal', of being desperate to fit in a world that is not always accepting.

Yeah!!!!! The 100th book read for my 100+ Reading Challenge, Before The Storm was a a Book Club magazine freebie, I paid only packaging and postage.

I COULD BE GUESSING BUT I THINK THIS (MA)MITE BE ANOTHER MONDAY MEDIA POST.

2011-12-05T12:33:00.000Z

Talk about barking mad!

WOMAN SPENDS £100,000 on her ........ DOG. In the seven years she’s had her diva dog, Lola, Louise Harris has splashed out more than £100,000 on all sorts of extravagant treats.

Lola is the proud owner of a £5,000 hand-made designer bed and her own jewellery collection. She also has hundreds of hand-made dresses, costing up to £400 each.

In fact, the fashion-conscious dog now has so many clothes she needs her own adult-size walk-in wardrobe and her own chest of drawers at Louise’s home near Stansted, Essex. - Sue Crawford, The Mirror (28/11/2011)

Thank Hovis .......

LOAF OF BREAD SAVED MY LIFE. Car crash victim Liz Douglas has said that she is still alive thanks to a loaf of bread which acted as an air bag when she flipped her car on to its roof.

The white sliced loaf flew out of her shopping bag on the back seat and became wedged between her head and the roof of the car after she hit a telegraph pole and lost control.

The £1.15 Hovis Soft White was still in place when firefighters arrived to cut her from the wreckage an hour later. - Emily Hewett, The Metro (28/11/2011)

And talking of bread ....... Marmite, love it or hate it, surely it's better spread on bread rather than all over a road.

23.5 TONNES OF MARMITE SPILLED ON MOTORWAY. A large-scale clean-up operation was launched after a tanker carrying more than 20 tonnes of yeast extract - believed to be Marmite - overturned on the busy M1 motorway in SouthYorkshire near Sheffield. - Andy Bloxham, The Telegraph ( 29/11/2011)*

Staying with food, how about .........

A TUB OF YOGHURT COMPLETE WITH A ROTTEN TOOTH? 43-year-old David Casey was sitting comfortably in front of the TV eating the fudge-flavoured snack when he bit down on something hard and was disgusted to find the object was a tooth — complete with filling.

The furious ex-squaddie put the tooth in a bag and drove straight to the Tesco superstore at Coventry's Arena Park shopping centre, where he bought the yoghurt pot, to complain and was given a 68p refund. - Bella Battle, The Sun (28/11/2011) I hope he kept the tooth to put under his pillow for the Tooth Fairy, I'm sure it would have fetched more than his meagre 68p refund.

And so onto two car related articles, both from the 29th of November 2011, the first appeared in The Telegraph, the second in The Metro.

BMW SHOWROOM TO PROVIDE UMBRELLAS. A BMW showroom was forced to provide umbrellas to customers because of an "aerial bombardment" from seagulls attracted to a nearby waste site.

The gulls have been blamed for peppering the cars and customers with droppings, dive-bombing staff and even dropping leftover chicken carcasses.

The problem has got so bad, bosses at the Vines dealership in Guildford, Surrey, are now handing customers brollies and telling them to beware of the gulls.

YOU DID SAY A FLOATING CAR? Conditions in the Bristol Channel today present moderate to good visibility with some showers – and the chance of spotting a floating Vauxhall Corsa.

Authorities in the region are asking ships to keep an eye out for the car, after it was submerged after being parked on a slipway near Swansea yesterday afternoon.

A spokesman for the Swansea Coastguard said: 'We broadcast navigation warnings every four hours, and in that broadcast today we have asked vessels to look out for a silver Vauxhall Corsa.

'It is possible it could be anywhere in the Bristol Channel.'

"He knows if you've been bad or good

So be good for goodness sake!" went the words of that well known Christmas song, SANTA CLAUS IS COMING TO TOWN and according to the Coco-Cola truck's 'bad' Santa .........

BROOKE RARITY IS ON THE NAUGHTY LIST. The magic of Christmas was ruined for one little girl – after Santa Claus told her she was on his Naughty List.

Four-year-old Brooke Rarity was thrilled to be meeting Father Christmas on the famous Coca-Cola truck and was going to ask him for “anything pink”.

But, just like in a scene from the hit 2003 film BAD SANTA starring Billy Bob Thornton, he reduced her to tears. - Steve White, The Mirror (02/12/2011). In pretty bad taste I know but what can I say except I'm a Brit with a typical warped sense of humour.

PLEASE NOTE : Wherever possible I will endeavour to bring you the links to articles I have used in my Media Monday posts but this is not always possible.

*PS I'm loving these marmite puns ......

"Did it affect the yeastbound carriageway?"
"My mum's driving down the M1 to see me. I'm worried marmite be late."
"At least the holdup was caused by marmite and not the usual traffic jam."