THE LOST PROPHECIES.

THE LOST PROPHECIES (MEDIEVAL MURDERS 4) by The Medieval Murderers (comprising BERNARD KNIGHT, IAN MORSON, MICHAEL JECKS *, SUSANNA GREGORY *, PHILIP GOODEN, C.J. SANSOM *).

* Indicates an author I've previously read.

A mysterious book of prophecies, written by a sixth century Irish monk, has puzzled scholars through the ages. Foretelling wars, plagues and rebellions, the Black Book of Bran is said to have predicted the Black Death and the Gunpowder Plot. But is it the result of divine inspiration or the ravings of a madman? A hidden hoard of Saxon gold. A poisoned priest. A monk skinned alive in Westminster Abbey. Only one thing is certain: whoever comes into possession of the cursed book meets a gruesome end.

....... Outer back cover.

FIRST SENTENCE (Prologue): In the early morning light, the fisherman Guleesh ventured nervously from his hut above Banna Strand in the Bay of Ballyheigue.

MEMORABLE MOMENT (Page 301): They had painted the victim's names on a sheet, which was pinned across the front of their church. For the benefit of those who could not read, drawings of the dead lads' faces had been included, each with a skull below it, to represent death.

KEEP IT OR NOT?: Now there's a question.

By the Medieval Murderers? Yes, this was a novel written by not one, not two, but six well known British crime writers who each take a turn in writing an 'act' all of which are connected by the main premise which is the book of prophecies written by a sixth century Irish monk.

Albeit with a central theme, this, when all is said and done, is a collection of short stories which, as many of you know, isn't a favourite genre of mine, but I decided to give it a go as I was interested to read something else by C.J. Sansom (I love his Shardlake series) AND, secondly, I was intrigued to read for myself just whether or not this style of writing a novel would work ....... so did it?

Hmm, I have mixed feelings about this but, on the whole, would have to say that I was quite surprised at just how well it did work.

Set in the past (apart from C.J. Sansom's offering, which, the last story in the book, was set in the not too distant future) I was quite impressed at the array of different settings, one moment I found myself in an English monastery, the next in a Tartar tent in Russia, AND then there was the way in which (most of) the authors managed to bring the events and characters to life in such a relatively short time. 

On the negative side though ..... it has to be said that some of the authors style of writing suited this book more than others which didn't make for a 'constant' read in that I found myself really enjoyed one act, finding it difficult to put the book down, only to then find myself struggling laboriously with the next act.

All in all, an interesting reading experience, not one I'm sure I'd want to repeat any time soon though, I'd recommend this as something just that little bit different.

INCLUDING AMONGST OTHER THINGS HOMER SIMPSON AND SPIDERMAN

And they called it puppy pizza love.

POOCH STARTS BLAZE. A pizza loving pooch set fire to its owner's home after switching on an hob trying to get a bite of its favourite cheesy snack.

The Staffordshire bull terrier had jumped up to try to get at the pizza which had been left on top of the oven when it knocked one of its knobs, a spokeswoman for Staffordshire Fire and Rescue Service said. - The Sun (24/01/2012)

On yer bike!

BRITAIN'S ONLY TANDEM HEARSE IS UP FOR SALE. Britain's only tandem bicycle hearse has been put up for sale as its Reverend owner Paul Sinclair claims he's no longer fit enough to ride it up hill.

Although the novel idea has been popular among cycling enthusiasts and the environmentally friendly, Rev Sinclair and his wife Marian are just not up to long bike rides anymore and have struggled to find locals willing to take up their job. - Emily Hewett, The Metro (25/01/2012)

How this fairy made a whole theatre audience disappear.

A pantomime fairy appeared on stage in a puff of smoke and set off a fire alarm, causing the evacuation of Dormston Mill Theatre. - The Telegraph.

D'oh!!!!!!

SIMPSON FANS BID THOUSANDS FOR BIT OF GLUE. A 1cm piece of dried glue (pictured right) that vaguely resembles Homer Simpson (shown left) is attracting bids of over £2000 on E-Bay.

Seller Christopher Herbert, from London, noticed its uncanny resemblance to the balding character, and listed it on the auction site as 'the missing piece in any Simpsons fans collection. - Emma Gritt, The Metro (26/01/2012)

And so onto another cartoon character.

SPIDERMAN BURGLAR STRIKES. CCTV captures a burglar conducting a Spiderman-style break-in at a supermarket by cutting a hole in the roof and abseiling down a rope into the store, from where £10,000 of cigarettes and alcohol were then stolen. - The Telegraph (29/01/2012) Click on article link to see video footage.

Does this look dangerous to you?

HAGGIS CAUSES SECURITY ALERT. British Transport Police were called to a train station in Inverness, Scotland, after worried railway staff identified a model haggis dressed in a tartan kilt as a possible security threat.

The unaccompanied papier-mache haggis was put on a train at Kirkcaldy in Fife from where it travelled for over three hours and across 114 miles to its final destination.Staff failed to see the funny side of the stunt and called in British Transport Police officials who were waiting for the package when it arrived.

The haggis, believed to have been part of a student art project, caused a major security breach when it arrived in Inverness later that day. - Mark Molloy, The Metro (26/01/2012)

Another case of 'health and safety' overcoming commonsense?

SHOPPER TRAPPED IN LIFT BECAUSE STAFF WERE NOT QUALIFIED TO PRESS A BUTTON. Shopper Janice Woodward spent 75 minutes trapped in a supermarket lift with her granddaughter after health and safety rules stopped staff pushing a button to rescue them, it is claimed.

Although staff attended the emergency they couldn't touch a control button to release the lift because they weren't qualified.

Instead Mrs Woodward said a trained technician was called out and he simply pressed the same button to free them - and hour and 15 minutes later. - The Telegraph (28/01/2012)

And now for something for all you crafty bloggers out there.

CLEANER KNITS HER CO-WORKERS. Keen knitter Sue Ball has called on her hobby to create 25cm (10in) woollen dolls of garden staff at Paignton Zoo, where she works as a cleaner.

Ms Ball, who has been knitting for 30 years, said: ‘This is the first time I’ve made figures. I saw a pattern for a knitted Father Christmas and I thought it looked like one of my colleagues, so I was inspired.’

Bill Corner clutches a chainsaw next to his woollen miniature (Picture: APEX)

Her attention to detail was so great that some of the figures she has created so far come complete with uniforms, badges and work tools. - Tariq Tahir, The Metro (26/01/2012) 

And lastly, my favourite article of the week ......

Now I'm just as annoyed by those dog owners who let their pets foul the pavements and, worse still, children's play areas BUT part of me can't help but wonder if this is a step too far.

NIGHT VISION GOGGLES USED TO SPOT DOGGY DOO. Undercover wardens are using night vision goggles to identify and fine pet owners who allow their dogs to foul in public places.

The sophisticated espionage equipment has been issued to council workers so they can catch dog walkers who believe they can get away with not gathering up their pets’ mess at night. - Murray Wardrop, The Telegraph (29/01/2012)

As always wherever possible I will endeavour to bring you the links to articles I have used in my Media Monday posts but this is not always possible.

NAMING THE FOUR SEASONS AND OTHER IMPORTANT STUFF.

The following questions were set in last year’s GED (General Educational Development) tests which, when passed, certify that the taker has American or Canadian high school-level academic skills. These are genuine answers (from 16 year olds)........... and they will breed.

Q. Name the four seasons.
A. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

Q. Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A. Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.

Q. How is dew formed?
A. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

Q. What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on?
A. If you are buying a house they will insist that you are well endowed.

Q. What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty
A. He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.

Q. What is artificial insemination?

A. When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow.

Q. How can you delay milk turning sour?
A. Keep it in the cow.

Thanks for these Urszula.

MY NAUGHTY LITTLE SISTER BOX SET.

MY NAUGHTY LITTLE SISTER BOX SET (Comprising My Naughty Little Sister, More Naughty Little Sister Stories, My Naughty Little Sister And Bad Harry, When My Naughty Little Sister Was Good, and, My Naughty Little Sister's Friends) by DOROTHY EDWARDS with illustrations by SHIRLEY HUGHES. 

My Naughty Little Sister: My naughty little sister is stubborn and greedy and full of mischief. She tries to cut off the cat's tail and eats all the trifle at Harry''''s party! How much bother can one little sister be?

More Naughty Little Sister Stories: My naughty little sister is always getting in trouble. This time she refuses to have her photo taken and shows off in front of Harry. Will she ever learn to be good?

My Naughty Little Sister and Bad Harry: My naughty little sister and Bad Harry make secret friends with a mouse and find a hiding place for their bread crusts! Whatever next?

When My Naughty Little Sister Was Good: Sometimes my naughty little sister can be good... when she helps Grannie to make a Christmas Pudding and even teaches Bad Harry a lesson or two. Has my little sister given up her naughty ways?

My Naughty Little Sister's Friends: More trouble from my naughty little sister - she goes exploring a chimney and learns how to make sweets. But this time she has more friends to help her make mischief! Will she ever learn to be good?

When My Naughty Little Sister Was Good: Sometimes my naughty little sister can be good... when she helps Grannie to make a Christmas Pudding and even teaches Bad Harry a lesson or two. Has my little sister given up her naughty ways?
...... Outer back covers.

FIRST SENTENCE (My Naughty Little Sister #1, Chapter 1: Going Fishing): A long time ago when I was a little girl, I had a sister who was littler than me.

MEMORABLE MOMENT (My Naughty Little Sister's Friends #5, Page 24): She said "I am not always a good child. But I am being very good this week!"

KEEP THEM OR NOT?: To be kept.

A childhood favourite of mine, I was delighted to receive a set of these books for Christmas. So what of my thoughts so many years later?

Well, I found all five books in the series quite charming BUT I did find My Naughty Little Sister to be more annoying than I had remembered her. OK, so she wasn't always naughty, sometimes just mischievous, and she nearly always saw the error of her ways which I suppose meant she wasn't a total brat but, even so,  she was irritating.

First published in the early 1950's I did find the stories quite dated in lots of ways (and I'm not just talking about the use of language or the construction of sentences), the books take you back to a world of hot, buttered toast and frothy milk, to a world where children, in many ways, had much more freedom, to a time when parents won't so suspicious of their neighbours - I've never known any little girl who could count so many grown men as their friends ..... in book one alone there is talk of the milkman, the baker, the coalman, the window cleaner, and the 'shoe mender man' all of whom are friends of My Naughty Little Sister.

Ah how times have changed - and not always for the better. 

Still, a great nostalgic read, I would loved to have shared these stories with our two nieces who alas are now, aged 22 and 13, probably too old to truly appreciate them as I did as a child.

TODAY IT'S ALL ABOUT ......... HOPPING VAMPIRES.

Following on from Monday which saw the beginning of the Chinese New Year today I bring you the so-called Hopping vampire, the chiang-shih, of Eastern mythology.
Apparently it is a tradition in China that corpses be buried in a standing position, that during the Qing dynasty the dead had their legs bound together making it impossible to walk should they rise from the dead. I only tell you this as it is one theory for the term hopping vampire. Another theory, a more gruesome one, being that as rigor mortis set in, the joints became inflexible and thus hopping became the only option.

Then again, the hopping is also said to result from the fact that, like a magnetic force in which positive and negative poles are brought together, the corpse's life energy does not agree with the life energy of the ground and they are literally pushed away every time they try to stay still.

Also known as gyonshi, geung si or. jiang-shi, the hopping vampire is probably best described as a reanimated corpse that, according to folk lore, has a soul (po) that has not departed the body and is in search of sustenance though unlike the Western vampire it is not generally your blood they are after so much as your chi (life energy).

Often portrayed as in a state of decay, depending on how long they have been dead it is not uncommon for these vampires to be depicted as having greenish-white furred skin with white hair covering their heads.

Hmm, my life energy? So how do I prevent a visit by a hopping vampire, garlic, a cross?

No, neither garlic nor a cross will keep the hopping vampire at bay BUT you could always try .......

• A death  blessing stuck on the forehead - no, not your forehead, the vampires
• Feng-shui mirrors
• The urine of a male virgin
• Sticky rice
• Chicken blood
• Holding your breath - believed to be blind, the hopping vampire can find humans by smelling their breath and thus a human remains 'invisible' to the vampire as long as they can hold their breath.

Ok, so presuming I've checked the male is truly a virgin, I've gotten close enough to the vampire to stick a death blessing on its forehead, AND I have some sticky rice as well as some chicken blood does this actually get rid of the vampire?

In a word, no.

To get rid of the vampire you could try the following ........

• Employ a priest to act on your behalf 
• Return the body to its rightful home, ensuring proper ancestral worship
• Using Buddhist magic to bind the body to its coffin though magical lines can be drawn on the coffin to much the same effect
• Burn the body OR, better still, cause it to explode.

Well, there seems to be several means of joining the Chinese undead, none of which seem to involve being bitten, but might include .........

• Being cursed
• Buried in the wrong spot
• Dying and being buried far from home
• A violent end - murder victims and those who committed suicide were considered to be at particular risk of becoming a hopping vampire
• A shock to the system which disturbed the yin. The yin being the still point, the anchor for activity, the resting place of regeneration.

All that said, the chiang-shih is a creature that, though it originated in folk lore, is constantly being updated thanks largely to cinema and, to a certain extent, Westernised ideals and traditions. Indeed it is thanks to the popularisation of modern cinema that the term vampire is used at all, that the chiang-shih has seemingly acquired the flesh-eating and blood-drinking qualities that have earned them the name of Chinese zombies or vampires.

Want to read more Chinese folk lore? Go visit Carol for her post on THE LEGEND OF NIAN.

HAPPY ST. DWYNWEN'S DAY......... DWI'N DY GARU DI (I LOVE YOU).

Unless you are Welsh (or are watching Channel 5's The Wright Stuff) you probably won't know anything about St. Dwynwen - I know I didn't.

The equivalent of St Valentine, St Dwynwen is the Welsh patron saint of lovers and today (the 25th of January) is her 'day'.

One of Brychan Brycheiniog's (a legendary 5th century king) 24 daughters, and said to be the prettiest, Dwynwen lived during the 5th century.

The story of a love that was never meant to be, having fallen in love with a prince, Dwynen's heart was broken when she found out that alas her father had already arranged for her to marry another, and so .......

Knowing she could not marry the handsome Prince Maelon, Dwynwen begged for God's help. Her prayer being answered when, having fallen asleep, an angel was sent to Dwynwen -  an angel who appeared bearing a potion designed to erase all memory of Maelon and turn him into a block of ice.

Not the end of the story though, God then gave three wishes to the distraught Dwynwen.

Her first wish? That Maelon be thawed.

Her second ...... that God meet all the hopes and dreams of all true lovers.

And her third that she should never marry.

So, all three wishes granted, Dwynwen devoted the rest of her life to God's service, founding a convent on Llanddwyn, Anglesey, where a well named after her became a place of pilgrimage after her death, visitors believing that the sacred fish and eels living there could predict if a relationship would be happy.

THE DAUGHTER OF TIME.

THE DAUGHTER OF TIME by JOSEPHINE TEY.

Inspector Alan Grant of Scotland Yard, recuperating from a broken leg, becomes fascinated with a contemporary portrait of Richard III that bears no resemblance to the Wicked Uncle of history. Could such a sensitive, noble face actually belong to one of the world's most heinous villains - a venomous hunchback who may have killed his brother's children to make his crown secure? Or could Richard have been the victim, turned into a monster by the usurpers of England's throne? Grant determines to find out once and for all, with the help of the British Museum and an American scholar, what kind of man Richard Plantagenet really was and who killed the Little Princes in the Tower.

..... Outer back cover.

FIRST SENTENCE (Chapter 1): Grant lay on his high white cot and stared at the ceiling.

MEMORABLE MOMENT (Page 102): "Forty million school books can't be wrong," Grant said.

KEEP IT OR NOT?: A reading group book, I won't be buying a copy.

What a brilliant idea - part historical novel, part  crime thriller/mystery, and part research project, this is a book that truly combines several genres.

Why then is it not too my liking?

Well, to be totally frank I don't think it worked particularly well on any of these levels. A big fan of historical fiction that involves real life characters, I do like to learn something from my novels and yet didn't do so reading this - oh, there were plenty of theories but ultimately no answers. Then again, perhaps I was expecting too much in expecting an answer as to did he (Richard) or didn't he, perhaps the whole point of the book was to take an alternative look at Richard III in which case it could be argued that the author succeeded

Too analytical for my liking, this reads more like a transcript of a court case than a novel and as such I'm looking forward to reading Alison Weir's  The Princes in the Tower which I'm led to believe is a more 'traditional' rendering of the story. Still, a brave effort by Tey, it fascinates me that an author should choose to write a book that sets out to challenge the commonly held belief as taught to many, many school children that Richard III did indeed play a part in the murder of his nephews.

FROM SHOPPING CHICKENS TO ITCHY ANKLES.

HAPPY NEW YEAR.

Apologies for a shorter than usual Monday Media.

Not the beginning of a bad joke ...... honest.

WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE STREET if not for a spot of retail therapy?

Shoppers were stunned when a chicken was found wondering round a city centre shopping mall.

Staff called in animal rescuers after the homeless hen was stopped as it tried to pop into a John Lewis store at the mall in Cardiff.

And it has now been found a new home at a farm park, where it has been named Joan Lewis. - The Mirror (18/01/2012)

From chickens to dogs .......

A pet dog that nearly died after eating rat poison was saved thanks to an emergency blood transfusion from a neighbour's dog.
Mo, a four-year-old Staffordshire bull terrier, became ill after eating the poison and, on being rushed to the vets, her owner, Mrs Perry, was told an immediate blood transfusion was needed. As the nearest bank was 200 miles away Mrs Perry's friend Catherine Butler agreed that her Newfoundland, Molly, would donate a pint of blood to Mo who picked up within minutes and was allowed home two days later. - The Telegraph (19/01/2012) View full article HERE in This Is Dorset.

What a send off!

 A JCB digger seems a bizarre hearse, but it was exactly the send-off one late JCB driver wanted.

Honouring the unnamed 52-year-old man's last request, his coffin was taken by JCB from his home to Woodvale Crematorium in Brighton. - The Mirror (18/01/2012)

My favourite story of the week ..... The International Forum for the Study of Itch? I couldn't have made it up if I'd tried.

The ankle is the most satisfying place to scratch an itch, scientists have concluded.

In the first study of its kind, volunteers were rubbed with an irritant on their arms, ankles and backs.

Researchers at Liverpool John Moore University scratched each spot and asked how good it felt.

The ankle was itchiest, and scratching felt the best there. The arms were least itchy.

Professor Francis McGlone, a member of the International Forum for the Study of Itch, who led the research said that ankles may have evolved to be more sensitive because they came into contact with insects and germs that could be removed by scratching. - Richard Gray, the Telegraph (22/01/2012) To read more click HERE for The Sun article, the headline of which is Why scratching your ankle is as good as sex.

PS As always wherever possible I will endeavour to bring you the links to articles I have used in my Media Monday posts but this is not always possible.

INTO THE WEST ......... SIMPLY BEAUTIFUL.

I know its kind of morbid but Husband dearest and I having no children decided to write our wills some time ago and this kind of led to the discussion of just what we wanted for our funerals - as I said kind of morbid but practical.

Anyway, whilst watching The Lord Of The Rings films I was reminded of just how beautiful this song was and decided to add it to the list of songs I'd like playing ...... not that I'm planning on having it played any time soon you understand.



Annie Lennox - Into the West by barbade

PS The lyrics can be found HERE, simply beautiful, aren't they?

AN EDUCATION INTO ........ TROLLS.

There were seven and a hundred Trolls,

They were both ugly and grim,

A visit they would the farmer make,

Both eat and drink with him.

Out then spake the tinyest Troll,
No bigger than an emmet was he,
Hither is come a Christian man,
And manage him will I surelie.

- Excerpt from the Danish Ballad of Eline of Villenskov.

Inspired by Carol's Thursday's Tale:THE CAT ON THE DOVERFELL which featured a troll AND the release of the film TROLL HUNTER on DVD I thought that I'd do a post on ........ yes, you guessed, trolls - known as Huldrefolk in Norway and Vitterfolk in northern Sweden.

Oh and by the way you can find this weeks Thursday's Tales:Tamlane by Joseph Jacobs by clicking HERE.

Not a big fan of these mythological creatures, when asked about them, my first thought would be the ugly yet kind of cute doll that belonged to my mam, the second, the story book, THE THREE BILLY GOATS GRUFF which was amongst the many Ladybird books I read as a child. (Click on the book title to hear the story and/or see the video below, its great fun.)

Anyway, I digress.

Trolls ........ And I'm talking the creatures of Norse mythology here as opposed to the more modern troll who HAUNTS THE INTERNET causing all manner of technological mischief.

Pictured by me as being somewhat large, of below average intelligence, and of grotesque appearance, the troll of my imagination is a solitary individual who resides beneath bridges, feeding off any goat (be it large, medium or small) OR Christian who happens to pass by. But what of the 'reality'?

Having achieved international cult status both through literature and, more recently, role-playing games the troll is of Scandinavian origin and in Norse mythology the word signifies an 'uncanny' being.

Seemingly of two distinct types, the first being the troll of my imagination and fairy tales and the second, a different race altogether ..... they are said to be of human appearance though often with a tail hidden in their clothes, and are social beings who live together, farming animals, cooking and baking.

They live together? Underneath bridges, right?

Once again it seems to depend largely on what type of troll you are talking about. Some it is believed were forest dwellers - if you were in a forest and smelt cooking, you knew a troll was close at hand - whilst others dwelt in underground caves well hidden beneath large boulders in the mountains. AND in some accounts they lived in a far off land known as Trollebotten.

So what of the behaviour of the troll?

Generally accepted as being not particularly pleasant characters, though most self-respecting trolls kept themselves to themselves, it is not unknown for them, as great thieves, to sneak into human houses during feasts, stealing from plates. Also known to abduct people in order to enslave them, the greatest risk was to women who had recently given birth but not yet been 'churched' (a Christian tradition in which a blessing is given to new mothers after recovery from childbirth) the troll was also capable of spiriting individuals away.

Any protection, any way of warding off the advances of a troll?

Well, it is said they fear steel, and, as they are always, without exception, heathens (ah, so that could be where I get my belief they ate Christians), you could try uttering 'Jesus' or 'Christ' OR as some fairy tales have trolls turning into stone when exposed to sunlight you could always hope for a sunny day.

PS Want to read more about trolls? I visited several sites including MONSTROPEDIA.

BEYOND THE SPIDERWICK CHRONICLES: A GIANT PROBLEM.

BEYOND THE SPIDERWICK CHRONICLES: A GIANT PROBLEM by TONY DiTERLIZZI and HOLLY BLACK.

Talk about out of the frying pan, into the fire!

I was pretty sure that my freaky stepsister and that freaky field guide of hers would ruin my life. But now it looks like they're going to ruin all of Florida too! Okay, maybe that's not fair. Maybe all these stupid giants would be waking up anyway, but if it wasn't for her and that book, I'd be at home playing video games and this would be someone else's giant problem.
...... Outer back cover.

FIRST SENTENCE (Chapter 1): Nicholas Vargas had never been all that good at sports.

MEMORABLE MOMENT (Page 98): "He's been getting you pulled into his stories, hasn't he? Got you stabbing rocks and hills, telling you they're giants. I remember how magical it all seemed. Like we were heroes. You feel something like that?"

KEEP IT OR NOT?: A library book, I have no intention of buying a copy.

Beyond the Spiderwick Chronicles ........ perfect for the with a 'creepy-crawly' in the title category of this years WHAT'S IN A NAME Reading Challenge.

To tell you a little more about the book .......

This is the tale of Noseemum Jack, an elderly, now blind destroyer of giants, who along with Nick, his brother, Jules, their stepsister, Laurie, and Jules' girlfriend, Cindy set out to find and destroy the giants that are about to wake up and cause mass devastation.

Not just about giants though, the story also tells of the part several other mythological creatures have to play and quite frankly it is their part that I found far more interesting.

Intended for those aged 7+ I chose to read this for two reasons, one being the title and the other being that I quite enjoyed the 2008 film based on the original Spiderwick books.

A quick read (it took me just over an hour to read) I have to admit that I didn't really enjoy the story though I found the illustrations wonderful.

Not a story that reads at all well as a stand-alone, this obviously follows on from the previous books, not too mention the several 'guide'/note books that seem to accompany the series, and as such I felt that I was missing out on a lot of the background information and experiences of the characters which greatly marred my enjoyment.

To give the author credit though, his last sentence really caused me to hold my breath and almost (for a split second) had me wanting to read the next book.

INNOCENT TRAITOR.

INNOCENT TRAITOR by ALISON WEIR.

Lady Jane Grey was born into times of extreme danger. Child of a scheming father and a ruthless mother, for whom she was merely a pawn in a dynastic power game with the highest stakes, she lived a life in thrall to political machinations and lethal fervour.

Jane's astonishing and essentially tragic story was played out during one of the most momentous periods of English history.

As a great-niece of Henry VIII, and the cousin of Edward VI, Mary I and Elizabeth I, she grew up to realise that she could never throw off the chains of her destiny. Her honesty, intelligence and strength of character carry the reader through all the vicious twists of Tudor power politics, to her nine-day reign and its unbearably poignant conclusion.
....... Outer back cover.

FIRST SENTENCE (Prologue): It is over.

MEMORABLE MOMENT (Page 149): "Shall we say five hundred pounds as a down-payment, five hundred on Jane's betrothal, and the rest on her marriage?"
"Done," says Dorset, as if he were closing on a land deal rather than what effectively amounts to the sale of his daughter.

KEEP IT OR NOT?: Without a doubt I'll be keeping this.

A big fan of Philippa Gregory's historical novels I never thought I'd find an author I'd like as much - in Alison Weir I think I may well have done so though it has to be said I didn't particularly like the layout of this her first non-fiction book.

Told from the perspective of several different people, nearly all of them women, the story is narrated by the Lady/Queen Jane (Grey) who reigned for all of nine days, her household and those closest to the then royal household, and takes place in the years from October 1537 up until February 1554.

To be honest, though this was a riveting, in many ways, frightening story, I didn't really learn a lot from it having read several other novels set at this period in history (Philippa Gregory's included) BUT it was interesting to read the events from the viewpoint of so many different characters and, as always, I couldn't fail but to be shocked by how the destiny of an individual (in this case Mary's) was shaped by the politics and the power struggles of that time. How no matter how intelligent, outwardly confident and, in some cases, scheming and hungry for power (I'm thinking of Jane's mother, Frances, here) a woman was she was ultimately in the hands of some man or other.

Great reading for all fans of the historical novel and especially those with an interest in the Tudors, though many of you will know the sad outcome of the story, you may well find the ending harrowing and yourself in need of a fistful of tissues - I know I did.

A DOUBLE DOSE OF MONDAY MEDIA 2012.

At last, just when I was beginning to think there was nothing weird or wonderful or just plain silly happening along comes this article about an incompetent would-be bank robber.

ROBBER GIVES CASHIER GUN. A robber accidentally gave his gun to a cashier while meaning to hand over his swag bag.

The thief raided the Halifax bank in Cheapside in the City of London and demanded £700,000 in cash from the bank worker.

But after making his demands, the crook - who was wearing shades and a flat cap - handed over his gun to the cashier instead of a bag.

The male cashier froze as the crook realised his mistake and made a grab for his gun before running off as the security shutters came down.

Bank staff immediately raised the alarm, but the thief escaped after stealing a bank worker's bike and pedalling off.

(But do you know what made me really laugh was ........ ) A police source said: "This man is not the sharpest tool in the box. - The Telegraph (05/01/2012)

And here's another one ........

THIEF CAPTURED AFTER TRIPPING OVER HIS JEANS. A burglar attempting to run away from police felt the long arm of the law when his low-slung jeans (Grief, how I dislike this fashion trend) made him trip over.

John O’Dell had been stopped by police in Haringey, north London on Sunday afternoon.

The 41-year-old (Surely too old to be wearing his trousers in this way) was said to have suddenly tried to run from police but his low-slung trousers fell down.

He was promptly caught and arrested, a court heard. - The Metro (13/01/2012)

And another one ......

THIEVES DIG TUNNEL TO ROB CASH MACHINE. Thieves spent "months" digging an 100 foot long tunnel beneath a car park and video shop in an elaborate robbery on a cash machine but got away with just a few thousand pounds.
Detectives believe the gang may have spent up to six months digging the passageway, which extended from a railway embankment, under a car park and beneath a shop where the cash machine was located.

The tunnel, which was around 100 feet in length and 4 feet tall, had been fitted with lighting and roof supports.

In a heist similar to that seen in films such as the Bank Job, where thieves tunnel beneath a bank to get to a vault, the gang had to cut through more than 15 inches of concrete to reach the cash machine.

The police refused to reveal how much money had been taken, but said the gang only got away with "limited funds". The cash machine can hold up to £20,000 but it is believed the gang got away with just £6,000. - Richard Gray, The Telegraph (15/01/2012) The funniest thing about this being our Nephew who commented "only £6000 for six months of hard work? Why didn't they just get a job?"

I wonder if they have kissed and made up yet.

MAN CALLED 999 ASKING FOR HELP TO GET HIS WEDDING RING OFF ...... so that he could throw it at his wife.

Just one of the many stupid reasons people called the emergency services over the holiday period, others included  .........

• A man needing his toilet unblocked.
• A woman with a cotton bud stuck in her ear.
• A man who had had an itchy eye for three weeks. - Euan Stretch, The Mirror (06/01/2012)

Literally just down the road from where we live ........

NEWCASTLE PUB TO SELL BEER ..... TO DOGS. Cat-flavoured Sunday roast and meat-flavoured beer... now man's best friend can join him for a hair of the dog down at their local pub.

The Brandling Villa in South Gosforth, Newcastle, is selling a special beer designed for dogs so that drinkers’ four-legged friends can enjoy a cheeky pint at the same time.
And if their drinking makes them peckish, the pub has created a special canine menu with dog versions of human favourites, including a Sunday roast served with cat-flavoured gravy. - Richard Fletcher, The Sunday Sun (08/01/2012)

Talk about a bird with a fowl mouth (fowl/foul, get it?)

MR T TOLD TO WATCH HIS LANGUAGE. A swearing rescue parrot called Mr T is to be rehabilitated so he can help teach in schools and universities.

The green-winged macaw was rescued from a private home where he lived for seven years and was taught a number of rude words. - Alex Pielak, The Metro (09/01/2012)

Beer drinking pooches, swearing parrots ...... whatever next?

WOMAN MOVES HER HORSE INTO HER HOME. An eccentric animal-lover has infuriated her neighbours by moving a pony into her semi-detached home.

Stephanie Noble said Grey Lady Too, a Connemara pony, was "dumped" on the lawn at her former council house in the Western Isles on Christmas Eve.

After a sleepless night, she spent Christmas Day moving furniture to make space for the animal in her home.

The pensioner has since had the ceiling braced, added a gate to contain the pony and turned her adjoining kitchen, otherwise well stocked with herbs and spices, into a grain store.

The 15ft by 12ft lounge has an 8.5ft by 9ft area for the pony, with dining room chairs holding its fodder, and a view to the main road from a window. - Auslan Cramb, The Telegraph (11/01/2012)

The latest in motoring fashion, alas neither of us drives.

EYE LASHES FOR YOUR CAR. The latest way to zhoosh up your motor is unexpectedly flirtatious – lashes for your headlamps. - Sam Wollaston, The Guardian (08/01/2012). For full article click on the article headline OR to visit Lashes4Cars click HERE.

The bare cheek of it!

NO TROUSERS TUBE RIDE. Cheeky commuters left tube passengers stunned last on the 8th of January as they stripped off their trousers for an international practical joke.

Hundreds of semi-naked people flocked to the London Underground for the annual No Trousers Tube Ride

The stunt was part of the larger No Pants Day over seas, where subways and metro lines around the world were taken over by bare-legged crowds. - The Mirror (09/01/2012)

PS As always wherever possible I will endeavour to bring you the links to articles I have used in my Media Monday posts but this is not always possible.

IT TURNS OUT ........

........ I write like

 Kurt Vonnegut

1922 - 2007.

I seem to remember visiting this site before but on seeing it on Healthier And Wealthier's post, 'WHO DO YOU WRITE LIKE?' I just knew I had to visit the I WRITE LIKE site to find out, well, who I wrote like.

So, putting .......

"HER MOUTH'S ALWAYS IN GEAR, THOUGH HER BRAIN MAY BE IN NEUTRAL" Being largely confined to the house, and encouraged by Hubby, I've decided to give this blogging thing a go. Though mainly based around my love of books and silly jokes, there will, no doubt , be one or two other things thrown in as the fancy takes me so why not join me on my journey? You are all more than welcome, after all 'the more, the merrier."

in the random generator, I was told the author I wrote like was ..........

Any guesses?

No?

Well, it turns out I write like KURT VONNEGUT, a writer apparently well known for his blend of satire, gallows humour and science fiction, who it seems wrote, amongst other things,

• CAT'S CRADLE which Amazon informs me is told with deadpan humour and bitter irony and .......
•  SLAUGHTERHOUSE-FIVE.

Hmm, not too bad a comparison, I certainly feel my posts are not without gallows humour, not sure about bitter irony though.

So come on, do tell, who do you write like?